15 annoying neighbours we all have – YOU Magazine Fashion Beauty Celebrity Health Life Relationships Horoscopes Food Interiors Travel Sign in Welcome!Log into your account Forgot your password? Password recovery Recover your password Search Sign in Welcome! Log into your account Forgot your password? Get help Password recovery Recover your password A password will be e-mailed to you. YOU Magazine Fashion Beauty Celebrity Health Life Relationships Horoscopes Food Interiors Travel Home Life 15 annoying neighbours we all have By You Magazine - October 4, 2020 Tempted to snitch on Covid rule-breakers? With locals like these, says Flic Everett, the decision gets so much easier to make… 1 The car parkers The family with two cars – or three, including ‘the little runaround’ they bought for their eldest’s 17th. They mark their unofficial parking areas like tom cats, using stolen cones, wobbly painted lines and icy disapproval of anyone who noses an inch of Honda Civic into ‘their’ plum spots. 2 WhatsApp mum All day the street WhatsApp group pings with unfunny memes, questionable politics and easily google-able queries. ‘Anyone know what time Co-op shuts?’ ‘Sue’s started a petition about number 6’s van. EVERYONE SIGN!!!’ And you can’t leave, ever, because she’ll know. 3 The garden DJ Whenever the sun struggles from behind a cloud he’s there, decks, speakers and throbbing beats shaking the neighbourhood. You want to be cool about it but the kids can’t sleep and you’re about to go and say something. Or maybe your partner is, as you’re a bit scared… 4 The students Unemptied bins, damp pizza boxes and slammed doors mark the student neighbours. They’re the ones shouting ‘I could murder a kebab’ at 3am while shoving each other into your hedge. But they do make handy babysitters. 5 The stressed parents Next door’s kids are outside again – the enormous trampoline is creaking like a galleon in a storm and someone is sobbing. But the parents are too busy yelling ‘Shut it, Kyle!’ from indoors, while their eldest attacks his brother with a plastic spade. Are those high-pitched screams of fun? 6 The DIY-ers If it’s not the ear-splitting saw it’s repetitive hammering at 7am. They’ll need to use your loo as theirs has ‘been taken out’. The three vans parked across your drive have Magic FM belting out. And once they finish the hall, they’re starting on the living room. 7 The skip people What’s that reverberating crash? Just the neighbours chucking more metal beams into their giant skip. Rusting like a North Sea trawler, overflowing with dusty MDF, six months on, the entire street now uses this vast bin as a repository for ancient stereos and kaput kettles. It’s probably harbouring cholera and brought down house prices by 30 per cent. ‘Is that seven people going into number 21?’. Image: Alpha Press 8 The note writers Why talk openly when a passive-aggressive note will do? Poked into the letterbox, all-caps blue Biro on lined paper: ‘We would appreciate you not leaning a bicycle on the shared fence’; ‘Please ensure your tree drops no more fruit in our garden’; ‘Your bathroom light shines directly into our kitchen at 2am’. Tackle them face to face – they’ll be petrified. 9 The perfect family Their house and garden are perfect. They are perfect. Everything from their Hague Blue hall to geometric koi pond shows up your scruffy attempts at elegant living. There’s always a Whole Foods Market van unloading outside or a Conran sofa being delivered. They are happy, helpful and hateful. 10 The musician One day, you may be able to say you lived next door to him. Chances are it’ll be in court after you finally snap due to another midnight rendition of ‘Paradise City’. Thin walls and rock-star dreams do not mix well when your neighbour’s musical talent is measurable in teaspoons. If drums are his instrument of choice, no jury will convict. 11 The elderly widower Somehow you’ve ended up making him regular hot meals, collecting prescriptions and checking his rights with the council. Even though he’s perfectly capable and voices views that make Genghis Khan look soft. 12 The fighters It’s not the swearing and yelling, or the crash of crockery that’s most cripplingly awkward, it’s the cheery waving next morning as you head to your cars. While you’re mildly interested in the screaming row about what his sister said last Christmas, you do object to lying awake as their noisy make-up sex rattles the party wall. 13 The curtain twitcher Want to know where number 32 has gone? ‘Ibiza, for a fortnight.’ Why is next door up for sale? ‘She’s run off with her personal trainer.’ The Twitcher’s job is to know everything and tell you, at length. They never invite you in though – they’d hate anyone to know their business. 14 Bin-day man The street’s self-appointed admin manager, rising at 4am to trundle rogue wheelie bins into the correct positions. There he’ll be, as you hastily belt your dressing gown: ‘Actually, the blue bin is cardboard only and you’ve disposed of a plastic-cardboard hybrid packaging, which causes havoc at the recycling plant.’ 15 The popper She’s just popping by to tell you about the cake sale or to borrow a drill… Ms Popper has no concept of boundaries or personal space. Although she’s very useful for watering the plants when you’re away on holiday. 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