5 Ways to Be a Better Step-Grandparent Javascript must be enabled to use this site. Please enable Javascript in your browser and try again. × Search search POPULAR SEARCHES SUGGESTED LINKS Join AARP for just $9 per year when you sign up for a 5-year term. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine. Leaving AARP.org Website You are now leaving AARP.org and going to a website that is not operated by AARP. A different privacy policy and terms of service will apply.

5 Ways to Be a Better Step-Grandparent

With the right approach step-grandparents can play an important role in families

Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/Getty Images John Reed plays a big role in the life of his step-grandson Roman. Courtesy John Reed There’s plenty of advice out in the world for grandparents, but for step-grandparents? Not so much. And, as families get more complicated, grandparenting can be , too.
Take this story from Courtney Fields McVey, a licensed clinical social worker in Atlanta. She describes herself as the child of “” who saw step-grandparents come and go. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine. Even at 44, she remembers one stinging holiday when her step-grandparents gave gifts to their biological grandchildren but not to her. If you’re a step-grandparent, or about to become one, consider her experience a warning. “You don’t have to force it to feel like that person’s been there all your life,” says McVey, owner and therapist at the Divorce Resource Center of Georgia. “But I do think it’s important to still offer the type of unconditional love and regard that you would automatically feel inclined to give to a biological relationship.”

Blending families not always easy

You likely know a step-grandparent or are one, partly due to longer life spans and the increasing divorce rate among people over 50. Perhaps you married someone with grandchildren, or your child married someone with children, or your stepchild had a child. have at least one step -relative in their family. And among adults ages 51 and older who are grandparents, nearly 22 percent of grandfathers and 20 percent of grandmothers , according to 2018 research published in the Journals of Gerontology Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences. Creating a new “blended” family is hard work, says Patricia Papernow, a Boston-based psychologist and author of Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn’t. Papernow, 75, is a stepparent, parent, grandmother and step-grandmother , and takes issue with language that oversimplifies the bonding process. Flowers & Gifts 25% off sitewide and 30% off select items See more Flowers & Gifts offers > “People go into this expecting blending,” says Papernow. “I always put it in quotes because it captures the longing but not the reality, often, of the stepfamily.” She and other experts caution that it’s the responsibility of the adults in the family to put children’s interests first and not make them feel like go-betweens or caught in the middle. For example, keep safe and neutral; don’t make them a place to discuss difficulties or iron out relationships, says McVey. “Anything that you do that ups the tension between the adults is hard on kids,” says Papernow. “And that includes saying snarky things about another parent or ex-spouse . Encourage your adult children not to do that, as well.”

Step-grandparents are important

John Reed, 66, of Little Rock, Arkansas, lives in a four-generation household that includes his 90-year-old mother and his wife, plus his wife’s daughter and the daughter's son, Roman, 9. Reed, known to his step-grandson as "Poppy, " has been part of Roman’s life since shortly after he was born. Although Reed has two sons of his own, neither has kids. His wife, Angie, does have other children and grandchildren who are all part of Roman’s world. AARP NEWSLETTERS %{ newsLetterPromoText }% %{ description }% Subscribe Susan Moeller is a contributing writer who covers lifestyle, health, finance and human-interest topics. A former newspaper reporter and editor, she also writes features and essays for the Boston Globe Magazine and her local NPR station, among other outlets. More on home-family AARP NEWSLETTERS %{ newsLetterPromoText }% %{ description }% Subscribe AARP VALUE & MEMBER BENEFITS See more Health & Wellness offers > See more Flights & Vacation Packages offers > See more Finances offers > See more Health & Wellness offers > SAVE MONEY WITH THESE LIMITED-TIME OFFERS