Rosie Green: Is it ever acceptable to have an affair? Discuss. Fashion Beauty Celebrity Health Life Relationships Horoscopes Food Interiors Travel Sign in Welcome!Log into your account Forgot your password? Password recovery Recover your password Search Sign in Welcome! Log into your account Forgot your password? Get help Password recovery Recover your password A password will be e-mailed to you. YOU Magazine Fashion Beauty Celebrity Health Life Relationships Horoscopes Food Interiors Travel Home Life Relationships Rosie Green The one thing no relationship can survive By Rosie Green - September 11, 2022 ‘You’re breathing too heavily,’ said my daughter when we shared a bed on a recent holiday. It was 6am and my audible respiration was grating on her. To rectify the situation she persuaded me to buy her some earplugs (sensible) and some rose quartz crystals (more dubious). The latter was justified by her on the grounds of their calm-boosting properties. She was mollified and harmony was restored. Anything for sleep. I wasn’t too bothered. My inhalation/ exhalation cycle is just one of the many things about me that drive her mad. Others include using too many emojis in WhatsApps, talking too loudly, wearing tragic trainers and singing the wrong lyrics to her pop songs. David Venni But does my heavy breathing bug my boyfriend, I wondered? Back home and reunited with him, I woke up one morning with my head resting on his chest. He told me I had been snoring. When I expressed disbelief (a classic defence mechanism) he produced his phone, on which he had recorded my little piggy snorts, and played them back to me. We laughed. A lot. There was zero irritation on his part. When you are in love those sort of quirks are endearing. Small dent in the car? Adorably scatty. Culinary failures like toasting the pine nuts to cremation every single time? Cute. Compulsive cushion buying? Lovable. When I think back to my married days there were many quirks my ex and I had that, over time, became irritations to each other. The main one for me was his cough. I always say there were three of us in that relationship. At some point, any kindness and compassion for his ailment became subsumed by irritation that he refused to go to the doctor and kept us all awake with his hacking. I’m not proud of it – but there it is. Meanwhile, I always turned up five minutes late, got dates wrong, was lax at turning off lights and blowing out candles and failed to stack the dishwasher properly. Interestingly, for a high percentage of the men I’ve dated, the dishwasher has been a major cause of friction in their previous relationships. Their partners’ failure to put the knives in the correct section of the basket or choose the appropriate programme were actions that seem minor from the outside but compounded to cause big feelings of resentment. For my ex, I think those irritations hardened into contempt (definition: the feeling that a person or a thing is worthless or beneath consideration). I remember reading about a marriage counsellor who said they could fix anything except contempt. Contempt, according to eminent marriage researcher Dr Gottman, is the number-one predictor of relationship breakdown. He says it’s the ‘sulphuric acid of love’. He noticed that where contempt exists there was a massive increase in the likelihood of divorce. So splits are often caused by contempt rather than infidelity or money woes. Gottman says that contempt manifests itself by sarcasm, eye-rolling, regular interruption, criticism and impatience. I’ve seen this played out by both men and women, as I’m sure have you. In the dying days of my marriage I felt that my ex was looking at me with contempt. It was a weird and entirely foreign experience. Contempt, the experts say, often stems from deep-seated resentment. Unexpressed anger that simmers to form a concentrate of disgust and hostility. So how to stop that or change it? Therapist Ken Fremont-Smith says it’s about calmly communicating your frustrations to your partner without blame. And then about changing your mindset to appreciation. A successful relationship correlates with the number of ‘appreciations’ a couple give to each other. So I tell the boyfriend he is great. And then to cover all bases I gift him some earplugs and rose quartz. @lifesrosie Read more of Rosie Green’s columns here RELATED ARTICLESMORE FROM AUTHOR Rosie Green Will this be the winter of our discontent Rosie Green Want to find true love Follow your nose Rosie Green I have a love rival – his phone DON' T MISS Fiona Bruce Sometimes I struggle not to cry November 14, 2021 17 beautiful 2021 diaries to help you to look forward to December 4, 2020 Why women leave men for women What’ s fuelling the rise of April 28, 2019 Hollywood veteran Laura Linney on plastic surgery friendship and her stellar July 3, 2017 You can shop the khaki jumpsuit from Holly Willoughby’ s new M& S July 17, 2019 The secrets and lies behind this happy family photo April 11, 2021 It’ s cocktail hour Olly Smith’ s cocktail recipes and Eleanor Maidment s canapé November 14, 2021 BBC One has revealed its Christmas TV schedule and there’ s lots December 2, 2020 YOU Beauty Box August Reviews August 1, 2017 Rome has been named the cheapest major city to visit in August 7, 2019 Popular CategoriesFood2704Life2496Fashion2240Beauty1738Celebrity1261Interiors684 Sign up for YOUMail Thanks for subscribing Please check your email to confirm (If you don't see the email, check the spam box) Fashion Beauty Celebrity Life Food Privacy & Cookies T&C Copyright 2022 - YOU Magazine. 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