Relationship Coach Reveals The 4 Red Flag Behaviors That Predict Break-Ups Even Though Society Has Normalized Them Bored Panda Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app Continue in app Continue in browser Like what you're reading? Subscribe to our top stories Please enter email address By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. We respect your privacy. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. Almost finished... To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Almost finished... To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Are you leaving already? Are you sure you want to post this? We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted this warning is a mistake x x Let's fight boredom together! Continue with Facebook Continue with Google or Log In Don't have an account? Sign Up Forgot your password? Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's Terms of Service 0, text: error()"> Become a member Sign Up Have an account? Login Forgot your password? Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's Terms of Service 0, text: error(), css: errorCssClass"> Password reminder Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. Send Have an account? Login Don't have an account? Sign Up Get our top 10 stories in your inbox: Finish 0, text: error(), css: errorCssClass"> Please enter your email to complete registration Finish 0, text: error(), css: errorCssClass"> Activate to continue Your account is not active. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. I have already activated my account Resend activation link We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide social media features, and analyze our traffic. You can read more about it and change your preferences here. Agree Bored Panda iOS App Available on App Store Continue in App Bored Panda Android App Available on Google Play Continue in App By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. You can change your preferences here. Agree BoredPanda Login Add Post Search ArtPhotographyAnimalsFunnyTravelIllustrationComicsDIYGood NewsParentingChallengeAsk Pandas More Featured Trending Latest Newsletter The Bored Panda iOS app is live! Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. Bored Panda Relationship Coach Reveals The 4 Red Flag Behaviors That Predict Break-Ups Even Though Society Has Normalized Them Home Partnership Advertise Success stories Jobs About us Contact 80points People, Relationships1 year ago

Relationship Coach Reveals The 4 Red Flag Behaviors That Predict Break-Ups Even Though Society Has Normalized Them Interview

Jonas Grinevičius and
Mindaugas Balčiauskas
Relationships are a lot of work and both partners need to be putting in the effort to make it work. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out. And while many of us can keep guessing why our friends, seemingly 'perfect' couples, broke up, the fact is that we don't have an inside view into their relationships. However, relationship experts can tell when a couple's likely to break up, even if some behaviors have been normalized by society. In an informative video, relationship and self-love coach Alex Scot goes into detail about the 'Four Horsemen' behaviors that are initial predictors of divorce and break-ups so that people learn to stay away from them. These behaviors are: contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and criticism. Check out Alex's full video below and let us know what you think of her analysis in the comment section, dear Pandas. Which of the four behaviors have you had to deal with and which do you personally find to be the worst? Relationship coach Alex based her video on The Gottman Institute's research into what makes relationships more likely to fall apart. Alex told Bored Panda that even the 'Four Horsemen' of relationships doesn't have to mean that the relationship is finished: there are 'solutions' to each red flag behavior. "Each Horseman has what Gottman calls an 'antidote,' meaning these behaviors can be fixed," the relationship coach said, adding that the relationship can be saved, as long as both sides are "willing and committed to course-correcting." More info: TikTok Instagram YouTube AlexScot.com

Alex explained what the Four Horsemen of relationships are in a viral TikTok video

@thealexscot#relationshiptopics #relationshiplesson #toxicrelationshipgoals #toxiclovers #healthyrelationshipafteratoxicone #healthylovelife #relationshipdonts♬ original sound – Alex Scot For instance, Alex explained to Bored Panda what the antidote for criticism is according to Gottman. In this case, it's a so-called 'soft-start-up.' "This is basically leading with an 'I' statement to state your feelings, and then requesting to discuss the subject now. For example, "I'm still feeling overwhelmed from what occurred the other night. Is now a good time for you to discuss it?" And here's the catch: your partner is allowed to say 'no,' and to propose a time that does work for them," relationship coach Alex went into detail with Bored Panda. "The goal here is to stop initiating heated discussions with character accusations like, 'You're so lazy! You never pick up after yourself,' and instead to use the soft start-up to get the ball rolling and to prevent your partner from getting defensive." Meanwhile, the antidotes for defensiveness and stonewalling are, respectively, taking responsibility for your part in the relationship, as well as focusing on self-soothing and taking the time to calm yourself down.

These behaviors all make it more likely that the relationship will end

Image credits: thealexscot Image credits: thealexscot

Alex shared some other great relationship tips and tricks in some of her other videos which you can watch in full right here

@thealexscot#fightfair #healthyfight #argument #relationshipargument #relationshipconflict #relationshipfightsbelike #relationshipfights♬ Calm LoFi song(882353) – S_R @thealexscot#healthyrelationshipafteratoxicone #healthylovelife #partnership_goals #relationshipsgoal #lovelifegoal #healthylover #healthyrelationships2021♬ Lazy Sunday – Official Sound Studio Image credits: thealexscot

The relationship coach also explained how some people can spread toxicity in their relationships without even realizing it

@thealexscot#toxiclovers #toxicorhealthy #toxicrelationshipchallenge #toxicrelationshipscheck #unhealthylove #unhealthyrelationships #relationshipchecheck♬ original sound – Alex Scot Image credits: thealexscot I was also very interested to learn more about how Alex became a relationship coach and decided that she wants to help people with their love lives. She was very open about the fact that she became a coach by accident. "I was raised in a household with narcissistic abuse and religious trauma, which led me to be married at 20 and divorced at 23. I found myself single at the peak of the dating app craze, and after a few toxic relationships found on Bumble and Hinge, I hit my rock bottom-and that's when the magic happened. I realized that I was the common denominator within all of my relationships, so I asked myself, 'What is so broken inside of you that allows you to accept mistreatment?'" She continued: "It was then that I started digging and researching during my free time, and that led me to connect the dots between my adult love life and my childhood. That's when I learned about how our bodies and brains are designed to keep us 'safe' by seeking out what they're familiar with-even if we logically know it's bad for us. So, for me, I was gaslit and verbally, emotionally, and mentally abused throughout my childhood, and as a result, I was attracting and picking men with the same behaviors." That's when Alex focused on unlearning the things that she was taught as a child while also "emotionally regulating to get my nervous system onboard," and picking up new healthy relationship skills that would, in turn, lead to a healthy and secure relationship that she craved. Thankfully, things turned out well. "I'm happy to report that I did it! Now I am so thankful to have a partner who understands my past, loves me through and through, is dedicated to his personal development, and grows with me as a couple. I'm passionate about what I do because I know what broken and hopeless feels like, and I don't feel anyone on this planet deserves to feel that way. If I can impact the world by teaching people the tools and techniques I've implemented to change my own life for the better, then I'm all for it!" Alex added that she's always open to hearing from people via social media and other channels and all that she cares about is that others get what they want out of life. She also offers one-on-one coaching, as well as two courses (one of which is all about developing your relationship skills, the other focusing on self-healing techniques, cultivating self-love, and discovering your authentic self). "I would just like to say that anyone out there who has experienced the same type of relationship over and over again, or feels like they are doomed when it comes to love: you are worthy of the love that you dream about, and it absolutely is possible to achieve if you are willing to heal and learn new skills."

Here s how some TikTok users reacted to relationship coach Alex s informative video

The biggest and baddest of the 'Four Horsemen,' contempt, is pretty much self-explanatory: it's when you feel superior to your partner and you openly show this while talking to them. The Gottman Institute points out that those couples that are contemptuous of each other actually have weakened immune systems and are therefore more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses like colds and the flu. Meanwhile, defensiveness is all about not being open-minded enough. Instead of hearing out your partner and being open to changing your beliefs, you always play devil's advocate. The third red flag is stonewalling aka shutting down completely aka the silent treatment, while the fourth and final 'Horseman' is criticism. The latter is fine if it's a specific action or situation that you're complaining about, however, it's not all right to criticize your partner's character as a whole. For instance, being upset that your partner didn't take out the trash (again, for the tenth time this month) and complaining about it is fine. But saying that they're rotten to the core and lazy because they can't even complete a simple chore would be an absolutely horrendous thing to do. Relationship coach Alex aims to help millennial women "stop the crazy train of volatile relationships by healing past wounds and developing the skills necessary for healthy, stable, and enjoyable love." Anyone can write on Bored Panda. Start writing! Follow Bored Panda on Google News! Follow us on Flipboard.com/@boredpanda! Share on Facebook Jonas Grinevičius Follow Unfollow Jonas Grinevičius Writer, BoredPanda staff Jonas is a Bored Panda writer who previously worked as a world news journalist elsewhere. After getting his bachelor's degree in Politics and International Relations at the University of Manchester, he returned home and graduated from Vilnius University with a master's degree in Comparative Politics. Jonas enjoys writing articles ranging from serious topics like politics and social issues to more lighthearted things like art, pop culture, and nature. In his spare time, Jonas writes books and short stories and likes to draw lighthearted illustrations. A huge fan of literature, films, philosophy, and tabletop games, he also has a special place in his heart for anything related to fantasy or science fiction. Read more » Mindaugas Balčiauskas Mindaugas Balčiauskas Author, BoredPanda staff Photo editor at Bored Panda. Mindaugas has worked as a freelance photographer mainly doing events, product photography and has a recurring passion for macro photography. Read more » Show All Contributors Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! Download Bored Panda app! You May Like 30 Funny "Break Up Lines" That People Came Up With Denis Tymulis Woman Goes Viral With 7.7M Views When She Shares That Her Date Called Her An Uber To Go Home After He Saw How She Was Dressed Konstancija Gasaitytė 30 Things Women Don't Understand About Men Justinas Keturka Popular on Bored Panda Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics) 50 ‘Weird Facts’ About The World That Might Give You A Fresh Perspective Overworked Employee Quits Because He Wasn't Getting A Fair Wage, Costs The Company $40 Million 40 Embarrassing Moments People Didn't Know Who They Were Talking To And Made A Fool Of Themselves 30 Of The Most Hectic Homes As Shared On 'The Broke Agent' Instagram Account Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics) 50 ‘Weird Facts’ About The World That Might Give You A Fresh Perspective Overworked Employee Quits Because He Wasn't Getting A Fair Wage, Costs The Company $40 Million Leave a comment POST Hans Hans Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 year ago Statistics can never "prove" a thing. Statistics can be used to give you an idea of the likelihood of something happening by a cause and not randomly. Even if there are valid statistics, where are they cited? The advice on how to treat your partner is valid and absolutely warranted, but implying scientific backing where there is none (or where the OP fails to correctly reference it) is very questionable. I also do no think that "Society Has Normalized" "red flag behaviours" as the title suggests – again, there is no evidence for that other than anecdotal truth. 23 23points reply Loretta Loretta Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 year ago Yeeah man, thanks for the correction! As a statistics enthusiast I really appreciate your comment :) 5 5points reply Load More Replies... Hans Hans Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 year ago *g*, I get downvoted for stating facts and promoting statistical literacy. This reveals quite a bit about the level of education of those who downvote. 4 4points reply Hans Hans Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 year ago Thanks to all who upvote and distinguish between critical remarks (that I want to make) and negativity (which I do not seek). 2 2points reply Paddling Panda Paddling Panda Community Member • points posts comments upvotes 1 year ago "Statistical literacy". I love this. 1 1point reply Karen Cunningham Karen Cunningham Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 year ago Hans, credit for the 4 Horsemen goes to Drs. John And Julie Gottman. They are the founders of research based couples therapy. 3 3points reply Thorfin Wolfsbane Thorfin Wolfsbane Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 year ago I agree. Don't know why you're getting down-voted. Statistics can be twisted to mean whatever you want them to mean. Also, nobody really cares about statistics - example: 50% of marriages end in divorce. Does everyone still want to get married despite the odds of failure? You bet they do. Nobody cares. 2 2points reply Azure Adams Azure Adams Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 year ago Hey here's an idea "coach". You are NOT a professional therapist nor are you Gottman trained as you have to be a licensed therapist as a masters level minimum. This is the problem with these "coaches" out there. There is no official training or certification, just bogus online stuff; anyone can advertise themselves as some kind of "coach" and watch a few free online videos then call themselves some kind of expert. Be very cautious taking any kind of advise or information from any of them. BTW anyone can go watch videos by the Gottman Institute on their youtube page or official website. Don't pay some hobum your good money for tools you can get free with a little on line research and a library card. Or go seek professional help/assistance from a licensed and trained professional. Not some hobum on tik tok 6 6points reply Mike Ieva Mike Ieva Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 year ago Again tiktok????? If want to see that s**t I would download that app.... 6 6points reply Load More Comments POST Hans Hans Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 year ago Statistics can never "prove" a thing. Statistics can be used to give you an idea of the likelihood of something happening by a cause and not randomly. Even if there are valid statistics, where are they cited? The advice on how to treat your partner is valid and absolutely warranted, but implying scientific backing where there is none (or where the OP fails to correctly reference it) is very questionable. I also do no think that "Society Has Normalized" "red flag behaviours" as the title suggests – again, there is no evidence for that other than anecdotal truth. 23 23points reply Loretta Loretta Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 year ago Yeeah man, thanks for the correction! As a statistics enthusiast I really appreciate your comment :) 5 5points reply Load More Replies... Hans Hans Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 year ago *g*, I get downvoted for stating facts and promoting statistical literacy. This reveals quite a bit about the level of education of those who downvote. 4 4points reply Hans Hans Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 year ago Thanks to all who upvote and distinguish between critical remarks (that I want to make) and negativity (which I do not seek). 2 2points reply Paddling Panda Paddling Panda Community Member • points posts comments upvotes 1 year ago "Statistical literacy". I love this. 1 1point reply Karen Cunningham Karen Cunningham Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 year ago Hans, credit for the 4 Horsemen goes to Drs. John And Julie Gottman. They are the founders of research based couples therapy. 3 3points reply Thorfin Wolfsbane Thorfin Wolfsbane Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 year ago I agree. Don't know why you're getting down-voted. Statistics can be twisted to mean whatever you want them to mean. Also, nobody really cares about statistics - example: 50% of marriages end in divorce. Does everyone still want to get married despite the odds of failure? You bet they do. Nobody cares. 2 2points reply Azure Adams Azure Adams Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 year ago Hey here's an idea "coach". You are NOT a professional therapist nor are you Gottman trained as you have to be a licensed therapist as a masters level minimum. This is the problem with these "coaches" out there. There is no official training or certification, just bogus online stuff; anyone can advertise themselves as some kind of "coach" and watch a few free online videos then call themselves some kind of expert. Be very cautious taking any kind of advise or information from any of them. BTW anyone can go watch videos by the Gottman Institute on their youtube page or official website. Don't pay some hobum your good money for tools you can get free with a little on line research and a library card. Or go seek professional help/assistance from a licensed and trained professional. Not some hobum on tik tok 6 6points reply Mike Ieva Mike Ieva Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 year ago Again tiktok????? If want to see that s**t I would download that app.... 6 6points reply Load More Comments Popular on Bored Panda I Used AI To See What These 23 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life 30 Y.O. 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