50 Jokes About Being Married That Are Funny Even If You re Not
50 Jokes About Being Married That Are Funny Even If You're Not Bored Panda Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app Continue in app Continue in browser Like what you're reading? Subscribe to our top stories Please enter email address By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. We respect your privacy. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. Almost finished... To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Almost finished... To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Are you leaving already? Are you sure you want to post this? We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted this warning is a mistake x x Let's fight boredom together! Continue with Facebook Continue with Google or Log In Don't have an account? Sign Up Forgot your password? Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's Terms of Service 0, text: error()"> Become a member Sign Up Have an account? Login Forgot your password? Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's Terms of Service 0, text: error(), css: errorCssClass"> Password reminder Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. Send Have an account? Login Don't have an account? Sign Up Get our top 10 stories in your inbox: Finish 0, text: error(), css: errorCssClass"> Please enter your email to complete registration Finish 0, text: error(), css: errorCssClass"> Activate to continue Your account is not active. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. I have already activated my account Resend activation link We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide social media features, and analyze our traffic. You can read more about it and change your preferences here. Agree By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. You can change your preferences here. Agree BoredPanda Login Add Post Search ArtPhotographyAnimalsFunnyTravelIllustrationComicsDIYGood NewsParentingChallengeAsk Pandas More Featured Trending Latest Newsletter The Bored Panda iOS app is live! Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. Bored Panda 50 Jokes About Being Married That Are Funny Even If You’ re Not Home Partnership Advertise Success stories Jobs About us Contact 126points x Facebook Pinterest Twitter Funny, Jokes9 months ago
Justė Kairytė - Barkauskienė
Publish Not your original work? Add source When you think of it, married life seems like quite an odd thing - you choose a similarly weird person like yourself, fall in love, and decide to stay weird together for the rest of your lives. The weirdness starts to fade over time, you both get more serious (up to a point where you start to get weirder and weirder again), and you might even produce a spawn that'll share half of you and half of your significant other. And though it might seem like a good idea and a peachy kind of path, in all truthfulness, married life is full of hilarious misunderstandings, silly miscommunications, and miserably missed signs. All of which are entirely natural, yet, at the same time, great fodder for married life jokes! To which we are dedicating this whole article, because if you don't laugh at your woes… Well, you don't laugh at your woes. As stated above, these jokes will mainly discuss the three Horsemen of married life - the misunderstandings, miscommunication, and missed signs. And although those might seem like quite severe problems, those are actually often what make marriage fun and lively. You can trust me on that, since I have had my own weirdo for several years now, so talking from experience here. And if you feel that some of these relationship jokes are just too serious, you just haven't reached that point in your marriage yet. So, married or not, let's find our way to the hilarious jokes, which are just an inch or so lower. You can definitely reach them by scrolling or swiping just a tiny bit, and then you'll be able to witness these married life jokes (also appropriate for those in long-term relationships) with your very own eyes! Don't forget to vote for the ones that struck your heartstrings and share this article with your S.O., your mom, or maybe read them out loud to your office co-workers. This post may include affiliate links. #1 Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”
“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”
“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”
“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’” Report 361points POST Lovin' Life Lovin' Life Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Oldie but goodie! One of my favorites 85 85points reply View more comments #2 Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: "I need to buy some arsenic." Pharmacist:" Why do you need arsenic?" Woman: "I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband." Pharmacist: "WHAT?" Woman: "You heard me! I want to kill my husband!" Pharmacist: "Why on earth would you want to do that?" Woman: "Because he's having an affair with YOUR wife!!!" Pharmacist: "Well why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?" Report 332points POST Travis Fox Travis Fox Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago This should be higher lol! 47 47points reply View more comments #3 My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you," she pointed out.
"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," I said.
She looked mystified. "How do you figure?"
"I married better," I replied. Report 321points POST Candia Lee Candia Lee Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago This should be higher. Positive, not neg, like most of these jokes 70 70points reply View more comments #4 "Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.
As I'd hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.
When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?"" Report 285points POST Meredith Hill-Mulligan Meredith Hill-Mulligan Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Oh my goodness! I almost spat out my pop laughing at that! 68 68points reply View More Replies... View more comments #5 When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said. "If you smile, put them back." Report 285points POST Joanna Werman Joanna Werman Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Very well said 64 64points reply View more comments #6 "When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist," said my husband's grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, "Now look how much I got. That's what I call an investment!" Report 281points POST Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Great attitude 65 65points reply View more comments #7 "I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?" Report 264points POST catrin Watts catrin Watts Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago 1 person could have got married twice 57 57points reply View More Replies... View more comments #8 On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.
"For example," he began, pointing to my husband, David, "do you know your wife's favorite flower?"
David answered, "Pillsbury All Purpose." Report 259points POST Mushroomlover Mushroomlover Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago That’s actually more impressive than knowing her favorite flower!!!! 134 134points reply View More Replies... View more comments #9 A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!" Report 230points POST Buren Buren Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Bahahahha 41 41points reply View More Replies... View more comments #10 "My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"
"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not home?"
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?"" Report 227points POST ShriSha Kamboj ShriSha Kamboj Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago pretend i am on an airplane 55 55points reply View More Replies... View more comments #11 "My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."
"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.
"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."" Report 225points POST Kiran Kiran Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago The bridge is always the winner. 27 27points reply View more comments #12 My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield.
When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. "I really think you love me," she said. "At least 70 people called and told me so." Report 209points POST Jessica Gunn Jessica Gunn Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago This is actually a fantastic romantic idea! 46 46points reply View more comments #13 A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor... A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.” - Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois Report 198points POST Vicky Z Vicky Z Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Could be a mum also! Don't you dare step on a wet floor after your mum has mopped 24 24points reply View More Replies... View more comments #14 "The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."
"That's okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home like that." Report 194points POST ShriSha Kamboj ShriSha Kamboj Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago experience 26 26points reply View more comments #15 Both my fiancé and I are in our 40s. I thought it was both amusing and touching when he assumed the classic position to propose to me—down on one bended knee.
"Are you serious?" I asked, laughing.
"Of course I'm serious," he said. "I'm on my bad knee." Report 194points POST Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago (edited) oh i understand that! that's a lifetime commitment! 39 39points reply View more comments #16 Do you want dinner?
Sure, what are my choices?
Yes and no. Report 187points POST Lovin' Life Lovin' Life Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Perfect 37 37points reply View more comments #17 My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home. The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear.
When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug. "It's okay, Mom," she said. "The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again." Report 180points POST william mcgloin william mcgloin Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Hope she didn't tell daddy to leave so mommy could get pregnant. 26 26points reply View more comments #18 The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. "Well," said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, "she's there." Report 166points POST StormWolf StormWolf Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Read that staring on the second line and it takes on a whole new meaning ;) 22 22points reply View More Replies... View more comments #19 A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.” Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked. “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.” Report 158points POST Arctic Fox Lover Arctic Fox Lover Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Yep. She sold 2 dolls for $47,500 each! :D 25 25points reply View more comments #20 'If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.
"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"
"Would she live in my house?"
"It's all paid up, so yes."
"Would she drive my car?"
"It's new, so yes."
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"No. She's left-handed." Report 152points POST Jo Johannsen Jo Johannsen Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Oops. 58 58points reply View more comments #21 Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She answered, “I do.” -Michael Jordan, Moss Point, Mississippi Report 140points POST KritiKrish Thambidurai KritiKrish Thambidurai Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago that's so sweet 12 12points reply View more comments #22 For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini incision, which, along with the previous scars, would form an arrow on my tummy. "Honey," my husband joked when I told him, "after 13 years and 4 kids, I hardly need directions." Report 135points POST Angela B Angela B Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Snort laugh..... 17 17points reply View more comments #23 My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.
"With this ring…" I began romantically.
"We could pay off Visa," he responded. Report 127points POST william mcgloin william mcgloin Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago That moment you realize you've been had by the diamond industry... 66 66points reply View More Replies... View more comments #24 Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener! Report 125points POST ShriSha Kamboj ShriSha Kamboj Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago bitter truth but sweet joke 21 21points reply View more comments #25 As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties, and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor." Report 119points POST XenoMurph XenoMurph Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago I used to love jokes like this, but not anymore. I'm an ex tractor fan. 56 56points reply View More Replies... View more comments #26 "Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me, drew a deep breath, and whispered, "Mmm … that Vicks smells good." Report 119points POST Vicky Z Vicky Z Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Even though it's expired for the last 20 years it still smells good 35 35points reply View more comments See Also on Bored Panda Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics) 50 ‘Weird Facts’ About The World That Might Give You A Fresh Perspective #27 "My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me." Report 116points POST C C C C Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago "Nothing. I'm fine." 15 15points reply View more comments #28 My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," he was the first one to click Like. Report 116points POST tuzdayschild tuzdayschild Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago As long as everyone's happy 22 22points reply View more comments #29 "Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store. But it wasn't until I got home that I read the label.
"This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband. "I can't believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing like wild in the yard!"
"See?" he said. "You're smarter already." Report 116points POST Jo Johannsen Jo Johannsen Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago And she immediately knew where to bury the body. 41 41points reply #30 "My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. "What?!" he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. "Turn over—you're snoring," I said. He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, "That's nothing; you should hear my wife snore."" Report 109points POST Theoretical Empiricist Theoretical Empiricist Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Sounds like it's time for his & hers CPAP machines. 29 29points reply View More Replies... View more comments #31 "My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.
"Who would you pick to portray you?" she asked me.
I thought about it for a minute, then answered, "Dennis Quaid."
"In that case," she said, "I'll play myself." Report 109points POST Auntriarch Auntriarch Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Snort-laugh! 12 12points reply View More Replies... View more comments #32 "Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, "Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?" "Not really," I replied. "Did you marry him for his money?" "Definitely not," I laughed. "He didn’t have any." "So," he said, "You just felt sorry for him." - Linda Watson, Edinburgh, Scotland Report 103points POST Candia Lee Candia Lee Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Big heart and a great sense of humor. 16 16points reply View more comments #33 "My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was.
"Oh, we've been married ten years," I said."
"Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy." Report 103points POST Kristal Kristal Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Goals 15 15points reply #34 An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.
"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."
The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"
She said, "Six."
The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."
Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas." Report 102points POST K J K J Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago bruh.. 20 20points reply View more comments #35 "During an attack of laryngitis, I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant "Give me a kiss." Two taps meant "No." Three taps meant "Yes"—and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."" Report 102points POST Buren Buren Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago But...but..there are notepad, phone and foreheads to write on. To be fair, you would need mirror to read what is written on the forehead 2 2points reply View More Replies... View more comments #36 I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to sleep, baby.” Report 101points POST Lioness Nature Lioness Nature Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Baby fever is real. 12 12points reply See Also on Bored Panda Overworked Employee Quits Because He Wasn't Getting A Fair Wage, Costs The Company $40 Million 40 Embarrassing Moments People Didn't Know Who They Were Talking To And Made A Fool Of Themselves #37 "I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.
"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."" Report 101points POST r tommo r tommo Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago This is so my parents :) 6 6points reply View more comments #38 "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment." Report 97points POST Tom Bolton Tom Bolton Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Depends on if you're married to a lawyer or a psychologist. 17 17points reply View more comments #39 Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. "Your wife must like rolls," he said. "How do you know these are for my wife?" I asked. "Because your mother wouldn't send you out in weather like this." Report 95points POST tuzdayschild tuzdayschild Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago huh...true 15 15points reply View more comments #40 A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!" The hypnotherapist shakes his head. "Not again …" - Alan lynch, Ithaca, New York Report 93points POST M M Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago uh-oh... 7 7points reply View more comments #41 Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
Friend: “Why not?”
Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.” Report 88points POST Lovin' Life Lovin' Life Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Hahaha 13 13points reply View more comments #42 A husband-and-wife photography team we know shoot their pictures together, do their developing and printing together—in fact, they're together 24 hours of the day. We wondered how they managed to keep up such good working relations.
"Well, frankly," the wife said, "it wouldn't work out if one of us didn't have a good disposition."
"Which one?" we asked.
"Oh," she laughed, "we take turns." Report 83points POST Catherine Catherine Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Aww reminds me of one I've read before. Someone asked their grandmother who had been married for 60 years what the secret was to a lasting marriage and the grandmother replied we both never wanted a divorce on the same day. And being married 17 years myself, I felt that 14 14points reply #43 "On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, "I have a confession." She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, "Darling, so do I." Recoiling, he says, "Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks."" - Justin Ezzi, Wilmington, California. Report 80points POST Owen Owen Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! 1 1point reply View more comments #44 "On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items." - Glen Zeider Report 75points POST Kevin Swanepoel Kevin Swanepoel Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago On my best friends wedding his mother calmly walked up to the happy couple, turned to the bride and said, "... He's your problem now..." Legend! 25 25points reply View more comments #45 One night when I dropped in at the police station on my news beat, a large, efficient-looking woman in uniform who packed a service revolver at her waist was behind the sergeant's desk. After checking the blotter, I returned to the car, where my wife was waiting for me.
"You should see the new woman on the force," I said. "She's tremendous, and wearing a .38."
I didn't notice the silence until my wife broke it icily with, "I wear a 38." Report 74points POST Candia Lee Candia Lee Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Good joke. 16 16points reply #46 After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.” Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.” - John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma Report 71points POST william mcgloin william mcgloin Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Oh honey, you're not a has been. You're a never was. 24 24points reply View More Replies... View more comments See Also on Bored Panda 30 Of The Most Hectic Homes As Shared On 'The Broke Agent' Instagram Account Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out #47 "Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy" - Groucho Marx Report 67points POST Tee Witt Tee Witt Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Must admit I have always wondered where that cam from. 2 2points reply #48 A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.” Report 67points POST FrozenThunderbolt FrozenThunderbolt Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Chronic torpidity 29 29points reply View more comments #49 Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Report 64points POST Okie (she/her) Okie (she/her) Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 5 months ago Marriage isn’t always a man and a woman… 6 6points reply View More Replies... View more comments #50 I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was. After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?” “Yes,” said the customer. - "My husband". —A.H. via rd.com Report 59points POST Note: this post originally had 195 images. It’s been shortened to the top 50 images based on user votes. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. Start writing! Follow Bored Panda on Google News! Follow us on Flipboard.com/@boredpanda! Add Your Answer! Not your original work? Add source Publish Change image Upload Photo Ooops! Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. Upload Upload Edit Image Error occurred when generating embed. Please check link and try again. Render conversation
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Title Update Robertas Lisickis Follow Unfollow Robertas Lisickis Writer, BoredPanda staff Robertas, nicknamed the Comma Inquisitor by friends, is a Bored Panda writer and content creator. After his studies at LCC International University, where he got a BA in English Language and Literature, Robertas went on to do freelance teaching, translation, and copywriting work, primarily specializing in IT. He spent nearly three years writing about all things Wi-Fi, eventually being picked up by Bored Panda. Whenever there’s free time, he spends it playing Gwent, or hosting Dungeons & Dragons sessions for his mostly chaotic neutral team. Read more » Saulė Tolstych Follow Unfollow Saulė Tolstych Author, BoredPanda staff Saulė is a photo editor at Bored Panda with bachelor's degree in Multimedia and Computer Design. The thing that relaxes her the best is going into YouTube rabbit hole. In her free time she loves painting, embroidering and taking walks in nature. Read more » Aivaras Kaziukonis Aivaras Kaziukonis Author, BoredPanda staff Aivaras is a SEO listicles curator. Aivaras is a student trying to pave the way to his career in Marketing and advertisment creation. Also Aivaras like's to watch and play sports, especially football. Read more » Justė Kairytė - Barkauskienė Justė Kairytė - Barkauskienė Writer, BoredPanda staff Justė is a copywriter here at Bored Panda, and though her studies at the Veterinary Academy seemingly have nothing to do with writing, the passion for animals and nature helps in creating the most interesting and engaging posts. She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier.
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Woman Takes DNA Test For Fun Only To Discover Her Long-Term Boyfriend Is Her Full Sibling "I Just Said Thank You And Left": Man’s Nice Gesture Is Praised After Pizza Hut Driver Got A $20 Tip On A $938 Order Join the conversation POST Not A Panda Not A Panda Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Were these all taken from 40 year old Readers Digests or something? 17 17points reply Wandaluzt Wandaluzt Community Member • points posts comments upvotes 9 months ago Oh I'm sure they were copied and pasted from as many joke pages they could find on Google. 0 0points reply Load More Replies... Roshan Deapal Roshan Deapal Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago This comment is hidden. Click here to view. Google pay 97$ per hour my last pay check was $8500 working 1o hours a week online. My younger brother friend has been averaging 12k for months now and he works about 22 hours a week. I cant believe how easy it was once I tried it outit.. HERE ???.??????????.??? -9 -9points reply Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago This reminds me of r/arethestraightsokay 10 10points reply Jessica LanSpe Jessica LanSpe Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago I must have NO sense of humor. MOST of these aren't funny, or get even a slight chuckle from me. 8 8points reply Load More Comments POST Not A Panda Not A Panda Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Were these all taken from 40 year old Readers Digests or something? 17 17points reply Wandaluzt Wandaluzt Community Member • points posts comments upvotes 9 months ago Oh I'm sure they were copied and pasted from as many joke pages they could find on Google. 0 0points reply Load More Replies... Roshan Deapal Roshan Deapal Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago This comment is hidden. Click here to view. Google pay 97$ per hour my last pay check was $8500 working 1o hours a week online. My younger brother friend has been averaging 12k for months now and he works about 22 hours a week. I cant believe how easy it was once I tried it outit.. HERE ???.??????????.??? -9 -9points reply Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago This reminds me of r/arethestraightsokay 10 10points reply Jessica LanSpe Jessica LanSpe Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago I must have NO sense of humor. MOST of these aren't funny, or get even a slight chuckle from me. 8 8points reply Load More Comments Popular on Bored Panda I Used AI To See What These 23 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life 30 Y.O. 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50 Jokes About Being Married That Are Funny Even If You’ re Not
Robertas Lisickis, Saulė Tolstych, Aivaras Kaziukonis andJustė Kairytė - Barkauskienė
Publish Not your original work? Add source When you think of it, married life seems like quite an odd thing - you choose a similarly weird person like yourself, fall in love, and decide to stay weird together for the rest of your lives. The weirdness starts to fade over time, you both get more serious (up to a point where you start to get weirder and weirder again), and you might even produce a spawn that'll share half of you and half of your significant other. And though it might seem like a good idea and a peachy kind of path, in all truthfulness, married life is full of hilarious misunderstandings, silly miscommunications, and miserably missed signs. All of which are entirely natural, yet, at the same time, great fodder for married life jokes! To which we are dedicating this whole article, because if you don't laugh at your woes… Well, you don't laugh at your woes. As stated above, these jokes will mainly discuss the three Horsemen of married life - the misunderstandings, miscommunication, and missed signs. And although those might seem like quite severe problems, those are actually often what make marriage fun and lively. You can trust me on that, since I have had my own weirdo for several years now, so talking from experience here. And if you feel that some of these relationship jokes are just too serious, you just haven't reached that point in your marriage yet. So, married or not, let's find our way to the hilarious jokes, which are just an inch or so lower. You can definitely reach them by scrolling or swiping just a tiny bit, and then you'll be able to witness these married life jokes (also appropriate for those in long-term relationships) with your very own eyes! Don't forget to vote for the ones that struck your heartstrings and share this article with your S.O., your mom, or maybe read them out loud to your office co-workers. This post may include affiliate links. #1 Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”
“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”
“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”
“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’” Report 361points POST Lovin' Life Lovin' Life Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Oldie but goodie! One of my favorites 85 85points reply View more comments #2 Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: "I need to buy some arsenic." Pharmacist:" Why do you need arsenic?" Woman: "I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband." Pharmacist: "WHAT?" Woman: "You heard me! I want to kill my husband!" Pharmacist: "Why on earth would you want to do that?" Woman: "Because he's having an affair with YOUR wife!!!" Pharmacist: "Well why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?" Report 332points POST Travis Fox Travis Fox Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago This should be higher lol! 47 47points reply View more comments #3 My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you," she pointed out.
"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," I said.
She looked mystified. "How do you figure?"
"I married better," I replied. Report 321points POST Candia Lee Candia Lee Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago This should be higher. Positive, not neg, like most of these jokes 70 70points reply View more comments #4 "Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.
As I'd hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.
When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?"" Report 285points POST Meredith Hill-Mulligan Meredith Hill-Mulligan Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Oh my goodness! I almost spat out my pop laughing at that! 68 68points reply View More Replies... View more comments #5 When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said. "If you smile, put them back." Report 285points POST Joanna Werman Joanna Werman Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Very well said 64 64points reply View more comments #6 "When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist," said my husband's grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, "Now look how much I got. That's what I call an investment!" Report 281points POST Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Great attitude 65 65points reply View more comments #7 "I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?" Report 264points POST catrin Watts catrin Watts Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago 1 person could have got married twice 57 57points reply View More Replies... View more comments #8 On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.
"For example," he began, pointing to my husband, David, "do you know your wife's favorite flower?"
David answered, "Pillsbury All Purpose." Report 259points POST Mushroomlover Mushroomlover Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago That’s actually more impressive than knowing her favorite flower!!!! 134 134points reply View More Replies... View more comments #9 A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!" Report 230points POST Buren Buren Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Bahahahha 41 41points reply View More Replies... View more comments #10 "My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"
"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not home?"
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?"" Report 227points POST ShriSha Kamboj ShriSha Kamboj Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago pretend i am on an airplane 55 55points reply View More Replies... View more comments #11 "My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."
"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.
"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."" Report 225points POST Kiran Kiran Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago The bridge is always the winner. 27 27points reply View more comments #12 My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield.
When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. "I really think you love me," she said. "At least 70 people called and told me so." Report 209points POST Jessica Gunn Jessica Gunn Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago This is actually a fantastic romantic idea! 46 46points reply View more comments #13 A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor... A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.” - Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois Report 198points POST Vicky Z Vicky Z Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Could be a mum also! Don't you dare step on a wet floor after your mum has mopped 24 24points reply View More Replies... View more comments #14 "The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."
"That's okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home like that." Report 194points POST ShriSha Kamboj ShriSha Kamboj Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago experience 26 26points reply View more comments #15 Both my fiancé and I are in our 40s. I thought it was both amusing and touching when he assumed the classic position to propose to me—down on one bended knee.
"Are you serious?" I asked, laughing.
"Of course I'm serious," he said. "I'm on my bad knee." Report 194points POST Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago (edited) oh i understand that! that's a lifetime commitment! 39 39points reply View more comments #16 Do you want dinner?
Sure, what are my choices?
Yes and no. Report 187points POST Lovin' Life Lovin' Life Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Perfect 37 37points reply View more comments #17 My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home. The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear.
When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug. "It's okay, Mom," she said. "The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again." Report 180points POST william mcgloin william mcgloin Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Hope she didn't tell daddy to leave so mommy could get pregnant. 26 26points reply View more comments #18 The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. "Well," said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, "she's there." Report 166points POST StormWolf StormWolf Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Read that staring on the second line and it takes on a whole new meaning ;) 22 22points reply View More Replies... View more comments #19 A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.” Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked. “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.” Report 158points POST Arctic Fox Lover Arctic Fox Lover Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Yep. She sold 2 dolls for $47,500 each! :D 25 25points reply View more comments #20 'If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.
"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"
"Would she live in my house?"
"It's all paid up, so yes."
"Would she drive my car?"
"It's new, so yes."
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"No. She's left-handed." Report 152points POST Jo Johannsen Jo Johannsen Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Oops. 58 58points reply View more comments #21 Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She answered, “I do.” -Michael Jordan, Moss Point, Mississippi Report 140points POST KritiKrish Thambidurai KritiKrish Thambidurai Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago that's so sweet 12 12points reply View more comments #22 For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini incision, which, along with the previous scars, would form an arrow on my tummy. "Honey," my husband joked when I told him, "after 13 years and 4 kids, I hardly need directions." Report 135points POST Angela B Angela B Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Snort laugh..... 17 17points reply View more comments #23 My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.
"With this ring…" I began romantically.
"We could pay off Visa," he responded. Report 127points POST william mcgloin william mcgloin Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago That moment you realize you've been had by the diamond industry... 66 66points reply View More Replies... View more comments #24 Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener! Report 125points POST ShriSha Kamboj ShriSha Kamboj Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago bitter truth but sweet joke 21 21points reply View more comments #25 As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties, and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor." Report 119points POST XenoMurph XenoMurph Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago I used to love jokes like this, but not anymore. I'm an ex tractor fan. 56 56points reply View More Replies... View more comments #26 "Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me, drew a deep breath, and whispered, "Mmm … that Vicks smells good." Report 119points POST Vicky Z Vicky Z Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Even though it's expired for the last 20 years it still smells good 35 35points reply View more comments See Also on Bored Panda Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics) 50 ‘Weird Facts’ About The World That Might Give You A Fresh Perspective #27 "My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me." Report 116points POST C C C C Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago "Nothing. I'm fine." 15 15points reply View more comments #28 My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," he was the first one to click Like. Report 116points POST tuzdayschild tuzdayschild Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago As long as everyone's happy 22 22points reply View more comments #29 "Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store. But it wasn't until I got home that I read the label.
"This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband. "I can't believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing like wild in the yard!"
"See?" he said. "You're smarter already." Report 116points POST Jo Johannsen Jo Johannsen Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago And she immediately knew where to bury the body. 41 41points reply #30 "My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. "What?!" he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. "Turn over—you're snoring," I said. He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, "That's nothing; you should hear my wife snore."" Report 109points POST Theoretical Empiricist Theoretical Empiricist Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Sounds like it's time for his & hers CPAP machines. 29 29points reply View More Replies... View more comments #31 "My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.
"Who would you pick to portray you?" she asked me.
I thought about it for a minute, then answered, "Dennis Quaid."
"In that case," she said, "I'll play myself." Report 109points POST Auntriarch Auntriarch Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Snort-laugh! 12 12points reply View More Replies... View more comments #32 "Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, "Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?" "Not really," I replied. "Did you marry him for his money?" "Definitely not," I laughed. "He didn’t have any." "So," he said, "You just felt sorry for him." - Linda Watson, Edinburgh, Scotland Report 103points POST Candia Lee Candia Lee Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Big heart and a great sense of humor. 16 16points reply View more comments #33 "My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was.
"Oh, we've been married ten years," I said."
"Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy." Report 103points POST Kristal Kristal Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Goals 15 15points reply #34 An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.
"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."
The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"
She said, "Six."
The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."
Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas." Report 102points POST K J K J Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago bruh.. 20 20points reply View more comments #35 "During an attack of laryngitis, I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant "Give me a kiss." Two taps meant "No." Three taps meant "Yes"—and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."" Report 102points POST Buren Buren Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago But...but..there are notepad, phone and foreheads to write on. To be fair, you would need mirror to read what is written on the forehead 2 2points reply View More Replies... View more comments #36 I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to sleep, baby.” Report 101points POST Lioness Nature Lioness Nature Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Baby fever is real. 12 12points reply See Also on Bored Panda Overworked Employee Quits Because He Wasn't Getting A Fair Wage, Costs The Company $40 Million 40 Embarrassing Moments People Didn't Know Who They Were Talking To And Made A Fool Of Themselves #37 "I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.
"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."" Report 101points POST r tommo r tommo Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago This is so my parents :) 6 6points reply View more comments #38 "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment." Report 97points POST Tom Bolton Tom Bolton Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Depends on if you're married to a lawyer or a psychologist. 17 17points reply View more comments #39 Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. "Your wife must like rolls," he said. "How do you know these are for my wife?" I asked. "Because your mother wouldn't send you out in weather like this." Report 95points POST tuzdayschild tuzdayschild Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago huh...true 15 15points reply View more comments #40 A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!" The hypnotherapist shakes his head. "Not again …" - Alan lynch, Ithaca, New York Report 93points POST M M Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago uh-oh... 7 7points reply View more comments #41 Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
Friend: “Why not?”
Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.” Report 88points POST Lovin' Life Lovin' Life Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Hahaha 13 13points reply View more comments #42 A husband-and-wife photography team we know shoot their pictures together, do their developing and printing together—in fact, they're together 24 hours of the day. We wondered how they managed to keep up such good working relations.
"Well, frankly," the wife said, "it wouldn't work out if one of us didn't have a good disposition."
"Which one?" we asked.
"Oh," she laughed, "we take turns." Report 83points POST Catherine Catherine Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Aww reminds me of one I've read before. Someone asked their grandmother who had been married for 60 years what the secret was to a lasting marriage and the grandmother replied we both never wanted a divorce on the same day. And being married 17 years myself, I felt that 14 14points reply #43 "On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, "I have a confession." She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, "Darling, so do I." Recoiling, he says, "Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks."" - Justin Ezzi, Wilmington, California. Report 80points POST Owen Owen Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! 1 1point reply View more comments #44 "On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items." - Glen Zeider Report 75points POST Kevin Swanepoel Kevin Swanepoel Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago On my best friends wedding his mother calmly walked up to the happy couple, turned to the bride and said, "... He's your problem now..." Legend! 25 25points reply View more comments #45 One night when I dropped in at the police station on my news beat, a large, efficient-looking woman in uniform who packed a service revolver at her waist was behind the sergeant's desk. After checking the blotter, I returned to the car, where my wife was waiting for me.
"You should see the new woman on the force," I said. "She's tremendous, and wearing a .38."
I didn't notice the silence until my wife broke it icily with, "I wear a 38." Report 74points POST Candia Lee Candia Lee Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Good joke. 16 16points reply #46 After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.” Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.” - John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma Report 71points POST william mcgloin william mcgloin Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Oh honey, you're not a has been. You're a never was. 24 24points reply View More Replies... View more comments See Also on Bored Panda 30 Of The Most Hectic Homes As Shared On 'The Broke Agent' Instagram Account Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out #47 "Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy" - Groucho Marx Report 67points POST Tee Witt Tee Witt Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Must admit I have always wondered where that cam from. 2 2points reply #48 A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.” Report 67points POST FrozenThunderbolt FrozenThunderbolt Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Chronic torpidity 29 29points reply View more comments #49 Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Report 64points POST Okie (she/her) Okie (she/her) Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 5 months ago Marriage isn’t always a man and a woman… 6 6points reply View More Replies... View more comments #50 I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was. After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?” “Yes,” said the customer. - "My husband". —A.H. via rd.com Report 59points POST Note: this post originally had 195 images. It’s been shortened to the top 50 images based on user votes. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. Start writing! Follow Bored Panda on Google News! Follow us on Flipboard.com/@boredpanda! Add Your Answer! Not your original work? Add source Publish Change image Upload Photo Ooops! Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. Upload Upload Edit Image Error occurred when generating embed. Please check link and try again. Render conversation
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Title Update Robertas Lisickis Follow Unfollow Robertas Lisickis Writer, BoredPanda staff Robertas, nicknamed the Comma Inquisitor by friends, is a Bored Panda writer and content creator. After his studies at LCC International University, where he got a BA in English Language and Literature, Robertas went on to do freelance teaching, translation, and copywriting work, primarily specializing in IT. He spent nearly three years writing about all things Wi-Fi, eventually being picked up by Bored Panda. Whenever there’s free time, he spends it playing Gwent, or hosting Dungeons & Dragons sessions for his mostly chaotic neutral team. Read more » Saulė Tolstych Follow Unfollow Saulė Tolstych Author, BoredPanda staff Saulė is a photo editor at Bored Panda with bachelor's degree in Multimedia and Computer Design. The thing that relaxes her the best is going into YouTube rabbit hole. In her free time she loves painting, embroidering and taking walks in nature. Read more » Aivaras Kaziukonis Aivaras Kaziukonis Author, BoredPanda staff Aivaras is a SEO listicles curator. Aivaras is a student trying to pave the way to his career in Marketing and advertisment creation. Also Aivaras like's to watch and play sports, especially football. Read more » Justė Kairytė - Barkauskienė Justė Kairytė - Barkauskienė Writer, BoredPanda staff Justė is a copywriter here at Bored Panda, and though her studies at the Veterinary Academy seemingly have nothing to do with writing, the passion for animals and nature helps in creating the most interesting and engaging posts. She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier.
Justė's not only an avid equestrian, but she's also a walking encyclopedia. Ask her anything! Read more » Show All Contributors Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! Download Bored Panda app! 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Woman Takes DNA Test For Fun Only To Discover Her Long-Term Boyfriend Is Her Full Sibling "I Just Said Thank You And Left": Man’s Nice Gesture Is Praised After Pizza Hut Driver Got A $20 Tip On A $938 Order Join the conversation POST Not A Panda Not A Panda Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Were these all taken from 40 year old Readers Digests or something? 17 17points reply Wandaluzt Wandaluzt Community Member • points posts comments upvotes 9 months ago Oh I'm sure they were copied and pasted from as many joke pages they could find on Google. 0 0points reply Load More Replies... Roshan Deapal Roshan Deapal Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago This comment is hidden. Click here to view. Google pay 97$ per hour my last pay check was $8500 working 1o hours a week online. My younger brother friend has been averaging 12k for months now and he works about 22 hours a week. I cant believe how easy it was once I tried it outit.. HERE ???.??????????.??? -9 -9points reply Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago This reminds me of r/arethestraightsokay 10 10points reply Jessica LanSpe Jessica LanSpe Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago I must have NO sense of humor. MOST of these aren't funny, or get even a slight chuckle from me. 8 8points reply Load More Comments POST Not A Panda Not A Panda Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago Were these all taken from 40 year old Readers Digests or something? 17 17points reply Wandaluzt Wandaluzt Community Member • points posts comments upvotes 9 months ago Oh I'm sure they were copied and pasted from as many joke pages they could find on Google. 0 0points reply Load More Replies... Roshan Deapal Roshan Deapal Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago This comment is hidden. Click here to view. Google pay 97$ per hour my last pay check was $8500 working 1o hours a week online. My younger brother friend has been averaging 12k for months now and he works about 22 hours a week. I cant believe how easy it was once I tried it outit.. HERE ???.??????????.??? -9 -9points reply Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago This reminds me of r/arethestraightsokay 10 10points reply Jessica LanSpe Jessica LanSpe Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 9 months ago I must have NO sense of humor. MOST of these aren't funny, or get even a slight chuckle from me. 8 8points reply Load More Comments Popular on Bored Panda I Used AI To See What These 23 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life 30 Y.O. 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