MIL Keeps Criticizing Daughter's Performances Right To Her Face, Family Drama Ensues When Mom Tells Husband To Stop Inviting Her Bored Panda Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app Continue in app Continue in browser Like what you're reading? Subscribe to our top stories Please enter email address By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. We respect your privacy. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. Almost finished... To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Almost finished... To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Are you leaving already? Are you sure you want to post this? We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted this warning is a mistake x x Let's fight boredom together! Continue with Facebook Continue with Google or Log In Don't have an account? Sign Up Forgot your password? Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's Terms of Service 0, text: error()"> Become a member Sign Up Have an account? Login Forgot your password? Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's Terms of Service 0, text: error(), css: errorCssClass"> Password reminder Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. Send Have an account? Login Don't have an account? Sign Up Get our top 10 stories in your inbox: Finish 0, text: error(), css: errorCssClass"> Please enter your email to complete registration Finish 0, text: error(), css: errorCssClass"> Activate to continue Your account is not active. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. I have already activated my account Resend activation link We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide social media features, and analyze our traffic. You can read more about it and change your preferences here. Agree Bored Panda iOS App Available on App Store Continue in App Bored Panda Android App Available on Google Play Continue in App By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. You can change your preferences here. Agree BoredPanda Login Add Post Search ArtPhotographyAnimalsFunnyTravelIllustrationComicsDIYGood NewsParentingChallengeAsk Pandas More Featured Trending Latest Newsletter The Bored Panda iOS app is live! Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. Bored Panda MIL Keeps Criticizing Daughter s Performances Right To Her Face Family Drama Ensues When Mom Tells Husband To Stop Inviting Her Home Partnership Advertise Success stories Jobs About us Contact 132points User submission 1.8K 354.6K Parenting, People6 months ago

MIL Keeps Criticizing Daughter s Performances Right To Her Face Family Drama Ensues When Mom Tells Husband To Stop Inviting Her

355Kviews Ieva Gailiūtė and
Denis Tymulis
Some grandmas can be brutally honest and go straight to the point without considering the heavy weight their words carry. Sadly, this behavior sometimes leads to them completely erasing the line that shouldn't be crossed. A few days ago, Reddit user vertical-shift-1967 took her story to the AITA community to ask for guidance after an argument with her husband and mother-in-law. The user and her partner have a 13-year-old daughter who plays the piano and sometimes participates in plays and recitals outside of school. The part that's troubling the user is that her spouse always invites his mother to every single one of the girl's performances. "Not saying he shouldn't - BUT many times she'd put my daughter down and point out where she 'messed up' and what she needed to work on," the user wrote. So the woman decided it was time to put an end to her daughter feeling miserable and unsure of her own abilities. She told her husband the grandmother should stop attending their daughter's plays unless she quits giving "constructive criticism" right to her face. However, imagine the user's surprise when her husband sided with his mother. Continue scrolling to find out the whole story and be sure to share your thoughts about it in the comments.

Recently this woman opened up about an argument that occurred after she had enough of her mother-in-law constantly criticizing her daughter

Image credits: bradjavernick (not the actual photo)

She turned to the AITA subreddit to ask whether or not she went too far

Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual photo)

Later on the user added some more context to the story

To learn more about how to better deal with such incidents and why so often family members tend to be our worst critics, we reached out to Judy Bartkowiak, a family therapist, coach, and author of Understanding Children and Teens: A Practical Guide for Parents, Teachers and Coaches. She told Bored Panda that we cannot control what others do, "especially not critical grannies!" The therapist suggested it would be better to find another way to tackle the issue rather than exclude the grandmother. "Instead, try 'Mother, we really appreciate you taking the time to attend our daughter's performances and it's really helpful for her to know what she did well as she's already so self-critical. This would be so helpful, maybe for the next piece, listen for what you liked in particular'." This is what the therapist calls a "feedback sandwich", and it also focuses on the behavior you prefer rather than concentrating on things you don't want. "What we focus on, we notice more, and therefore we actually encourage it," Bartkowiak explained. As the woman wrote in her post, the girl takes her grandmother's words to heart and is often left feeling upset. The therapist guessed such behavior could relate to the lady's own childhood, or it could be nerves. "But more likely, it is what we call in NLP [Neuro-linguistic programming] a 'mismatch pattern' where we naturally notice what's wrong." "You'll find this in scientists particularly because that's what makes them good surgeons, doctors, etc. because they pay attention to what's wrong," Bartkowiak added. "Instead of being critical back - think of a way to ease her into more of a matching pattern but do it gently as she may really not be aware of how it's impacting your daughter." She advised that people should be on the lookout for the positive intention and assume there is one. When asked why the husband sided with his mother on this issue, the family therapist mentioned he's "possibly used to this pattern and knows she means no harm and loves her granddaughter." Bartkowiak added that the grandmother seems attentive and wants to be helpful. "Her son needs to gently point out that whilst he appreciates she's trying to show her love by being helpful, we all learn differently. Some learn by wanting to correct what they got wrong and others learn by doing more of what they got right," she said and added that his mother probably fails to realize her granddaughter learns differently. "Once she realizes and focuses on what she's done well, all will be well."

Here s what Redditors had to say about this situation

Anyone can write on Bored Panda. Start writing! Follow Bored Panda on Google News! Follow us on Flipboard.com/@boredpanda! 355Kviews Share on Facebook Ieva Gailiūtė Ieva Gailiūtė Author, BoredPanda staff Ieva is a writer at Bored Panda who graduated in Scandinavian studies from Vilnius University. After learning the Swedish language and getting completely lost in the world of Scandinavian mythology, she figured out that translating and writing is what she's passionate about. When not writing, Ieva enjoys making jewelry, going on hikes, reading and drinking coffee. Read more » Denis Tymulis Follow Unfollow Denis Tymulis Author, Community member Denis is a photo editor at Bored Panda. After getting his bachelor's degree in Multimedia and Computer Design, he tried to succeed in digital design, advertising, and branding.
Also, Denis really enjoys sports and loves everything related to board sports and water. Read more » Show All Contributors Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! Download Bored Panda app! You May Like 30 Times Rich People Made It Clear To Everyone Else Just How Out Of Touch They Are Without Even Trying Ieva Pečiulytė 50 Times Old People Had No Right To Be This Wholesome And Awesome Akvile Petraityte 50 Times People Surprised Family Members In Funny And Ridiculous Ways They Didn't See Coming Simona Kinderytė Popular on Bored Panda Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics) 50 ‘Weird Facts’ About The World That Might Give You A Fresh Perspective Overworked Employee Quits Because He Wasn't Getting A Fair Wage, Costs The Company $40 Million 40 Embarrassing Moments People Didn't Know Who They Were Talking To And Made A Fool Of Themselves 30 Of The Most Hectic Homes As Shared On 'The Broke Agent' Instagram Account Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics) 50 ‘Weird Facts’ About The World That Might Give You A Fresh Perspective Overworked Employee Quits Because He Wasn't Getting A Fair Wage, Costs The Company $40 Million Start the discussion POST Chris M Chris M Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago To paraphrase Dear Prudence, this isn't an MIL problem, this is a husband problem. 73 73points reply A Jones A Jones Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago Yeah, he is feeding the fire. 13 13points reply Load More Replies... CL Rowan CL Rowan Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago It's both. Granny is going for Mom's throat through the grandchild. 4 4points reply Xander Kurtz Xander Kurtz Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago It's a both problem . He's toxic and abusive/enabling of it cause she was always abusing him in similar ways too. It's ridiculous to put all the blame on the husband when she's the one who raised him and is being the direct negatife influence to the child 4 4points reply dolores eilerts dolores eilerts Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 5 months ago Another Mama's boy,he learned his rudeness, and criticism from mama. Two peas in a pod. You think his controlling with backup mama is bad ,rude,and disgusting towards a child now. You haven't seen anything yet. As he gets older , I can guarantee it will get worse. Towards you and the 13 yo. . He will destroy all self respect,self love, and ability too deal with life BB in this child,she already k no owns, in grandmas eyes she is a loser. Those two need too bee removed from her activities immediately. Keep her in her piano,etc. BB do not let them negatively control her life,all will regret it. And the child will suffer long term 0 0points reply - - Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago (edited) It's the piano teacher's job to dole out criticism. It sounds as if the grandmother is trying to get the 13-year-old to stop playing the piano and the mama's boy is in cahoots. Musical education is not a waste. It builds self-discipline, appreciation for the arts (which helps ticket sales so that professional musicians can make a living), it's good for the brain, amateur musicians can collaborate with other musicians which builds social bonds, and some amateurs hold concerts to raise funds for charity. 61 61points reply Mine Truly Mine Truly Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago (edited) In this world, piano skill can be a much more practical way to make extra money than a typical part time job. You can try to pull 20 hours a week at target in addition to your day job, or you can offer a service from home through Fiverr that very few people are able to. Most kids aren't building real world job skills anyway. 18 18points reply Load More Replies... Lara M Lara M Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago I made $20/hour with my piano skills when I was 15-16. I accompanied an elementary school choir at the school where my mother taught. It was way more fun and paid way better than flipping burgers. 7 7points reply Xander Kurtz Xander Kurtz Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago (edited) What does "real world job skills" even mean? Performing music and teaching instruments are both real world jobs where playing the instrument is a core job skill. It's by definition, a real world job skill and has been for centuries. 6 6points reply Lizzy Crit Lizzy Crit Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago (edited) It's also good for manual dexterity. Lots of surgeons also play piano, similar to how ballet can help an athlete. I know the kid doesn't want to be a doctor but it might get dad and MIL to back off a little.But yes she should divorce this asshat if he won't go to marriage counseling 9 9points reply Jo L. Jo L. Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago Yes! I'm a stenographic court reporter, and writing on a stenograph machine is exactly like playing chords on a piano. Of course I didn't know when I was 7 years old that piano would be directly applicable to my future career, but my point is you never know! It's still useful to learn a variety of skills. On a more directly applicable note to the topic, though, I remember distinctly at age 15 playing a real bad wrong note during a concert as the accompaniment to a 60-something student choir with a couple hundred attendees, and even then no one criticized me - not one. The choir director commended me on my smooth recovery and that was that. Two and a half years later for my graduation project from that program, I decided to perform a piano solo in concert (Etude Allegro by Yoshinao Nakada), and I think it was the best I'd ever played. Performing well takes practice in and of itself, and critics need to understand that. 6 6points reply Lorrie F Lorrie F Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 5 months ago It is also an excellent stress reliever. As a Nursing student I choose to take piano lessons for part of the A.A. degree. The practice time helped clear my mind of everything else that was stressful in College. It also helps to lower the brain's "chatter" to help clarify difficult situations. 0 0points reply Stannous Flouride Stannous Flouride Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago Numerous studies have shown that learning a musical instrument is helpful in all sorts of seemingly unconnected ways. It teaches discipline, enhances mathematical skills, improves physical stature, etc. 9 9points reply Mindy Haun Mindy Haun Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago She is, I'm sure. There's a part that says the mother in law is uncomfortable with the concept of the granddaughter playing the piano because it's wasting the husband's money and is a distraction with zero benefits because they (husband and grandma) want her to become a doctor. Daughter doesn't want to be one. 5 5points reply Caro Caro Caro Caro Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago NTA. Here's a tip. Every time your husband does something you criticize it with a smile. He will eventually explode, you sweetly say it's constructive criticism. Keep it up but don't explain. See how he likes that! I expect he'll run to his mummy and tell her and while he's there you change the locks on all the doors, give you daughter a hug and all will be well. What an a*****e little man who loves his mummy more than his daughter. YUK 50 50points reply Zero Zero Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago Both husband and MIL. She also needs to be on the receiving end of every little criticism OP can think of. 41 41points reply Load More Replies... Terri Messner Terri Messner Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 5 months ago Has anyone asked the daughter of she wants to continue piano. She may be sick of it all and find something that SHE enjoys 0 0points reply Keisha Keisha Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago I wouldn't do any of that I would have been filing for a divorce the next day gone home and packed his crap and dropped it off on dear old mom's doorstep. Changed the locks and let the two be horrible,miserable people together. Nobody would treat my child that way. My loyalty is to my children. Husband's are options. And at 13 she can choose to see dad and grandma if she wants but I doubt she would choose to be around this gruesome twosome. 9 9points reply SweetsEve SweetsEve Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 5 months ago That's a terrible idea. Making the entire household miserable to prove a point is not helpful for children. Why not just have a grown up conversation with MIL? Why is it easier to be petty? 0 0points reply Carrie Whitaker Carrie Whitaker Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 5 months ago Because she's already tried, and he responded by defending the MIL, as noted in the post? 1 1point reply SweetsEve SweetsEve Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 5 months ago I didn't say the husband I said the mother in law. As a grown up have a conversation with the grown up mother in law. Look, I've been married for 20 years. No marriage is perfect there are good and bad aspects, but if the complaint here is how the daughter feels about grandma's comments shouldn't mom talk to at least her daughter to see if she'd feel better in a divorced household because of the comments. Would the daughter feel like it's a complete over reaction. 0 0points reply Load More Comments POST Chris M Chris M Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago To paraphrase Dear Prudence, this isn't an MIL problem, this is a husband problem. 73 73points reply A Jones A Jones Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago Yeah, he is feeding the fire. 13 13points reply Load More Replies... CL Rowan CL Rowan Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago It's both. Granny is going for Mom's throat through the grandchild. 4 4points reply Xander Kurtz Xander Kurtz Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago It's a both problem . He's toxic and abusive/enabling of it cause she was always abusing him in similar ways too. It's ridiculous to put all the blame on the husband when she's the one who raised him and is being the direct negatife influence to the child 4 4points reply dolores eilerts dolores eilerts Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 5 months ago Another Mama's boy,he learned his rudeness, and criticism from mama. Two peas in a pod. You think his controlling with backup mama is bad ,rude,and disgusting towards a child now. You haven't seen anything yet. As he gets older , I can guarantee it will get worse. Towards you and the 13 yo. . He will destroy all self respect,self love, and ability too deal with life BB in this child,she already k no owns, in grandmas eyes she is a loser. Those two need too bee removed from her activities immediately. Keep her in her piano,etc. BB do not let them negatively control her life,all will regret it. And the child will suffer long term 0 0points reply - - Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago (edited) It's the piano teacher's job to dole out criticism. It sounds as if the grandmother is trying to get the 13-year-old to stop playing the piano and the mama's boy is in cahoots. Musical education is not a waste. It builds self-discipline, appreciation for the arts (which helps ticket sales so that professional musicians can make a living), it's good for the brain, amateur musicians can collaborate with other musicians which builds social bonds, and some amateurs hold concerts to raise funds for charity. 61 61points reply Mine Truly Mine Truly Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago (edited) In this world, piano skill can be a much more practical way to make extra money than a typical part time job. You can try to pull 20 hours a week at target in addition to your day job, or you can offer a service from home through Fiverr that very few people are able to. Most kids aren't building real world job skills anyway. 18 18points reply Load More Replies... Lara M Lara M Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago I made $20/hour with my piano skills when I was 15-16. I accompanied an elementary school choir at the school where my mother taught. It was way more fun and paid way better than flipping burgers. 7 7points reply Xander Kurtz Xander Kurtz Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago (edited) What does "real world job skills" even mean? Performing music and teaching instruments are both real world jobs where playing the instrument is a core job skill. It's by definition, a real world job skill and has been for centuries. 6 6points reply Lizzy Crit Lizzy Crit Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago (edited) It's also good for manual dexterity. Lots of surgeons also play piano, similar to how ballet can help an athlete. I know the kid doesn't want to be a doctor but it might get dad and MIL to back off a little.But yes she should divorce this asshat if he won't go to marriage counseling 9 9points reply Jo L. Jo L. Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago Yes! I'm a stenographic court reporter, and writing on a stenograph machine is exactly like playing chords on a piano. Of course I didn't know when I was 7 years old that piano would be directly applicable to my future career, but my point is you never know! It's still useful to learn a variety of skills. On a more directly applicable note to the topic, though, I remember distinctly at age 15 playing a real bad wrong note during a concert as the accompaniment to a 60-something student choir with a couple hundred attendees, and even then no one criticized me - not one. The choir director commended me on my smooth recovery and that was that. Two and a half years later for my graduation project from that program, I decided to perform a piano solo in concert (Etude Allegro by Yoshinao Nakada), and I think it was the best I'd ever played. Performing well takes practice in and of itself, and critics need to understand that. 6 6points reply Lorrie F Lorrie F Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 5 months ago It is also an excellent stress reliever. As a Nursing student I choose to take piano lessons for part of the A.A. degree. The practice time helped clear my mind of everything else that was stressful in College. It also helps to lower the brain's "chatter" to help clarify difficult situations. 0 0points reply Stannous Flouride Stannous Flouride Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago Numerous studies have shown that learning a musical instrument is helpful in all sorts of seemingly unconnected ways. It teaches discipline, enhances mathematical skills, improves physical stature, etc. 9 9points reply Mindy Haun Mindy Haun Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago She is, I'm sure. There's a part that says the mother in law is uncomfortable with the concept of the granddaughter playing the piano because it's wasting the husband's money and is a distraction with zero benefits because they (husband and grandma) want her to become a doctor. Daughter doesn't want to be one. 5 5points reply Caro Caro Caro Caro Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago NTA. Here's a tip. Every time your husband does something you criticize it with a smile. He will eventually explode, you sweetly say it's constructive criticism. Keep it up but don't explain. See how he likes that! I expect he'll run to his mummy and tell her and while he's there you change the locks on all the doors, give you daughter a hug and all will be well. What an a*****e little man who loves his mummy more than his daughter. YUK 50 50points reply Zero Zero Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago Both husband and MIL. She also needs to be on the receiving end of every little criticism OP can think of. 41 41points reply Load More Replies... Terri Messner Terri Messner Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 5 months ago Has anyone asked the daughter of she wants to continue piano. She may be sick of it all and find something that SHE enjoys 0 0points reply Keisha Keisha Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 6 months ago I wouldn't do any of that I would have been filing for a divorce the next day gone home and packed his crap and dropped it off on dear old mom's doorstep. Changed the locks and let the two be horrible,miserable people together. Nobody would treat my child that way. My loyalty is to my children. Husband's are options. And at 13 she can choose to see dad and grandma if she wants but I doubt she would choose to be around this gruesome twosome. 9 9points reply SweetsEve SweetsEve Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 5 months ago That's a terrible idea. Making the entire household miserable to prove a point is not helpful for children. Why not just have a grown up conversation with MIL? Why is it easier to be petty? 0 0points reply Carrie Whitaker Carrie Whitaker Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 5 months ago Because she's already tried, and he responded by defending the MIL, as noted in the post? 1 1point reply SweetsEve SweetsEve Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 5 months ago I didn't say the husband I said the mother in law. As a grown up have a conversation with the grown up mother in law. Look, I've been married for 20 years. No marriage is perfect there are good and bad aspects, but if the complaint here is how the daughter feels about grandma's comments shouldn't mom talk to at least her daughter to see if she'd feel better in a divorced household because of the comments. Would the daughter feel like it's a complete over reaction. 0 0points reply Load More Comments Popular on Bored Panda I Used AI To See What These 23 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life 30 Y.O. 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