114 Stand-Up Comedy Jokes That Just Don't Disappoint Bored Panda Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app Continue in app Continue in browser Like what you're reading? Subscribe to our top stories Please enter email address By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. We respect your privacy. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. Almost finished... To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Almost finished... To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Are you leaving already? Are you sure you want to post this? We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted this warning is a mistake x x Let's fight boredom together! Continue with Facebook Continue with Google or Log In Don't have an account? Sign Up Forgot your password? Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's Terms of Service 0, text: error()"> Become a member Sign Up Have an account? Login Forgot your password? Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's Terms of Service 0, text: error(), css: errorCssClass"> Password reminder Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. Send Have an account? Login Don't have an account? Sign Up Get our top 10 stories in your inbox: Finish 0, text: error(), css: errorCssClass"> Please enter your email to complete registration Finish 0, text: error(), css: errorCssClass"> Activate to continue Your account is not active. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. I have already activated my account Resend activation link We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide social media features, and analyze our traffic. You can read more about it and change your preferences here. Agree By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. You can change your preferences here. Agree BoredPanda Login Add Post Search ArtPhotographyAnimalsFunnyTravelIllustrationComicsDIYGood NewsParentingChallengeAsk Pandas More Featured Trending Latest Newsletter The Bored Panda iOS app is live! Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. Bored Panda 114 Stand-Up Comedy Jokes That Just Don t Disappoint Home Partnership Advertise Success stories Jobs About us Contact 40points x Facebook Pinterest Twitter Funny, Jokes2 months ago

114 Stand-Up Comedy Jokes That Just Don t Disappoint

Žydrūnė Trukanavičiūtė and
Justė Kairytė - Barkauskienė
Publish Not your original work? Add source How can one thing be so loathsome and so hilarious at the same time? Is it some sort of magic? Is it the divine illumination of our differing perceptions? Heck if we know, but here it is - stand-up comedy jokes that will either make you writhe in laughter or call for an ambulance for scoffing too hard. While there's no denying that stand-up comedy is a form of art requiring the performer to be really present, know how to interact with audiences, and have a stellar sense of humor, there's also no denying that some get it wrong on so many levels. So, if you'd like to steer clear from dumb jokes and humiliation on the occasion you'll try to climb up on that stage yourself, these hand-picked and thoroughly hilarious jokes might be the inspiration you need. And even if you have a niche sense of humor, you'll find at least one very cool joke that'll resonate with you, for we've picked more than a hundred of them. See, the odds are ever in your favor here! Another perk of stand-up comedy is definitely the long jokes! How so, you ask? Well, the longer the jokes, the more space you get for interpretation and showing off your undeniable acting skills! Convinced to try it? Well, at least to try and read these funny jokes? If so, then scroll on down below and check them out! This post may include affiliate links. #1 "Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die." - Bill Murray Report 125points POST Lover_of_Princess_Leia Lover_of_Princess_Leia Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I love bacon as well 20 20points reply View more comments #2 "If your coffee shop has one of those passive aggressive "no wifi pretend it's the old days" signs, I'm going to smoke in there and pay 50 cents for coffee." Report 120points POST Kamie Jones Kamie Jones Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago This is hilarious I see it. 20 20points reply View more comments #3 "I found out on Fiverr.com you can buy 1000 likes for $5. The only thing is that the likes come from the Middle East and they have Arabic names. So when I saw that my friend tweeted "Excited for my flight to New York City!"... I immediately spent the best $5 of my life." - Richard Sarvate Report 107points POST LennytheCat LennytheCat Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Absolutely hilarious!! 22 22points reply View more comments #4 “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” - Jerry Seinfeld Report 106points POST MegaPanda MegaPanda Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Dead on 25 25points reply View More Replies... View more comments #5 "My friends will ask me,"Hey, since you were adopted, would you ever consider adoption?" I'm like, “Yes. Absolutely. If I ever have kids, I want them to go to a good home." - Jamie Ward Report 103points POST Lucy Lucy Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Lol 7 7points reply View more comments #6 "So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I'm nervous I'm secretly a giant spider." - Jeremy Kaplowitz Report 102points POST Vic Vic Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago (edited) I have Acrophobia, now I'm wondering if I'm secretly tall.. 22 22points reply View More Replies... View more comments #7 “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” - Demetri Martin Report 101points POST Mark Berry Mark Berry Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago So visual! 16 16points reply View more comments #8 "My ex and I used to roleplay in the bedroom a lot. Her favorite game was "Handsome Librarian!” Which is where I'm not allowed to talk and she reads a book instead." - Kill Devil Hills Report 101points POST It_is_what_it_is It_is_what_it_is Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Omg, I'm so trying that! 22 22points reply View more comments #9 "Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list." - Denis Leary Report 99points POST Vic Vic Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago True words... 17 17points reply View more comments #10 "When I told everyone I was gonna become a professional stand up comedian, they all laughed… Well, they’re not laughing now!" Report 97points POST UpQuarkDownQuark UpQuarkDownQuark Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time! I can’t find who said it. I showed my wife and, after she burst out laughing, she said, “I need to find out who said that so I can leave you for them!” 30 30points reply View More Replies... View more comments #11 "A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!" Report 92points POST Rosey Red Rosey Red Community Member • points posts comments upvotes 2 months ago Yuk yuk yuk kneeslap. Now that there's funny. 10 10points reply #12 "I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? 'Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.'" - Chris Rock Report 91points POST mateo pineda mateo pineda Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago love chris rock 16 16points reply View more comments #13 "I'm a first grade teacher. Which is awesome because when I'm in a room full of first graders. I'm by far the coolest person in the room. Because I can usually open a Capri Sun. The kids are in awe of me. They're like, "Mr. Geoff, you can tie your shoes?!?” "Yea", I dabble. "When I'm not counting to one hundred!"" - Geoffrey A. Report 88points POST Stephanie Guthrie Stephanie Guthrie Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Hilarious! 7 7points reply View more comments #14 "The people who see something horrible happen in the world and they run to the Internet. And they run to their social media, Facebook, Twitter, whatever they got. "My thoughts and prays..."Do you know what that's worth? Nothing.
You are not giving any of your time, your money or even your compassion. All you are doing, all you are doing, is saying, "Don't forget about me today." Report 85points POST Mark Berry Mark Berry Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago (edited) Too dead-on accurate to be funny. 48 48points reply View More Replies... View more comments #15 "Disney is creating live-action versions of their films, and everyone from my high school is having kids. Unnecessary remakes of something I grew up with are being shown to unnecessary remakes of something I grew up with." - Nat Baimel Report 81points POST Sassy Squatch Sassy Squatch Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Well crafted...lol 13 13points reply #16 "My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone Report 81points POST Kay Phillips Kay Phillips Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Swimming was the easy part. What was difficult was getting out of the bag 43 43points reply View More Replies... View more comments #17 “Google Earth is amazing. They’ve photographed every road in the world and put them on the computer. You just type it in and you go there. You sit in front of the computer and you think, ‘I can go anywhere in the world. Where shall I go?’ And we all come to the same conclusion: ‘My house.'” - Michael McIntyre’s Report 80points POST Mark Berry Mark Berry Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago It's a great way to preview a place you have to go to, but haven't been to before. I just can't find "my peace and happiness ". Otherwise it's great! 15 15points reply View more comments #18 "I told this joke today when asked to stand up and introduce yourself to the group, and say something interesting about yourself... So this guy dies and goes to hell. He finds himself in a nice room with a group of other people. Satan stands up and says, "Welcome to Hell!" The guy thinks to himself, "well, this doesn't seem so awful." Then Satan says, "I'd like each of you to introduce yourself, and tell us something interesting about yourself." Report 78points POST Kamie Jones Kamie Jones Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I absolutely agree with this 18 18points reply View more comments #19 "Well, if God drinks, do you think God gets stoned once in a while? Just look at the platypus!" - Robin Williams Report 77points POST 75/Sunny 75/Sunny Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I miss Robin Williams 48 48points reply View More Replies... View more comments #20 "Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius. Because I am NOT dead." - Kevin Schwartz Report 76points POST PixxelDust PixxelDust Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Mood 9 9points reply View more comments #21 "My Uber driver didn't say a word to me during our 45 minute ride. It's truly upsetting they'd employ someone like this without giving me the option of rating him 6 stars." - NatBaimel Report 76points POST Kamie Jones Kamie Jones Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I don't mind usually but most of the time small talk just takes way too much effort to me. 14 14points reply View more comments #22 "When I was a kid my parents put me into boxing- which is a great sport to put your kid into. If you think that hitting your kid is wrong, but you still feel like someone should be hitting your kid." Report 75points POST Daniel Medela Trigoso Daniel Medela Trigoso Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Problem is, sometimes they are the ones that end hitting...but then they make money out of it, right? 4 4points reply #23 “Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.” - Tommy Cooper Report 71points POST Gizmo TeknoDekkeR Gizmo TeknoDekkeR Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Legend 10 10points reply View more comments #24 "When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen. And I could just have his motorcycle." - Riki Lindhome Report 67points POST It_is_what_it_is It_is_what_it_is Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Hahaha, wait...should I laugh at that? 26 26points reply View more comments #25 “I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg Report 67points POST Just E Just E Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Sorry for the convenience 37 37points reply View More Replies... View more comments #26 “Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard Report 67points POST Contented potato. Contented potato. Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Hold up 15 15points reply View More Replies... View more comments #27 "You want to know the best part about being a stand up comic with a stutter? For my eight minute slot, I only have to write 45 seconds worth of material." Report 66points POST Lisa H Lisa H Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Drew Lynch?! 15 15points reply View More Replies... View more comments #28 "Horror movies with jump scares are like if a comedian went into the audience and tickled everyone. "Technically you laughed! I'm funny!" - Jeremy Kaplowitz Report 65points POST Cathy Hurd Cathy Hurd Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago To me tickling is the cruelest form of torture. 26 26points reply View more comments #29 "In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do. The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign. Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself’.” The man shrugged and said, “Not much to say; my wife told me to stand here.” - Oscar Nuñez Report 64points POST Teresa Francis Teresa Francis Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago 3 3points reply View more comments #30 "My friends take fields trips to breweries. They have apps that track the name of the beers they have tried. At this point craft beer is just pokemon for dudes with beards." - Lawrence Rosales Report 62points POST Jessica Allred Jessica Allred Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago So, we need to do a Pokemon theme song parody. "I wanna drink the very best..." 10 10points reply View More Replies... View more comments #31 "My neighbor's house doesn't have any numbers on its door or mailbox. And I just feel like that's something that needs to be addressed." Report 61points POST Sassy Squatch Sassy Squatch Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Well crafted dad joke...lol 14 14points reply View more comments #32 "It really doesn't make you feel safe when you're walking home at night and some guy's like, "Hey gorgeous, get home safe." Felt a little safer before you just said that." Report 59points POST Lisa H Lisa H Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago THIS IS WHY CAT-CALLING IS NOT OKAY!!!!!! 21 21points reply View More Replies... View more comments #33 "I enjoy doing stand-up, especially now because life is so busy and it's so hectic, and with stand-up, I can just go out and relax, and enjoy the silence." - Steve Martin Report 59points POST It_is_what_it_is It_is_what_it_is Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago (Crickets) 13 13points reply View more comments #34 "What would you do if you cracked an egg for breakfast and a mouse came out and then time froze and God came down and said to forget what you saw or else?" "I'd tell everyone, but I'd make it seem like a joke." - James Etchison Report 57points POST Lucy Lucy Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Hehehe 1 1point reply View more comments #35 "Just because a woman is nice to you, doesn't mean that she likes you. I found that out the hard way by reading my mother's diary!" - RealDerekMeyers Report 55points POST Teresa Francis Teresa Francis Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago ??? 4 4points reply #36 "I'm a realist. l ask kids what they want to be if they grow up." - Nat Baimel Report 54points POST Joshua David Joshua David Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I'm 40 and feel 15. 6 6points reply View More Replies... View more comments #37 "I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." - Elayne Boosler Report 54points POST Ashley Schriber Ashley Schriber Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I am a lady and I think this is what I want. 33 33points reply View More Replies... View more comments #38 “My name is Adam. My father’s name is Adam. Having the same name as your father, it’s alright until your voice changes. My friends would always call up, “Is Adam there?” My father would say, “This is Adam.” My friends would say, “Adam, you were so wasted last night.” — Adam Sandler Report 53points POST Becca Hauck Becca Hauck Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago This happened the other way around in my home. My daughter and I sound alike since she hit puberty. So my sister would call, hear the hello, and start telling my 15 year old daughter about what happened with the guy she went out with. Luckily, she was not scarred for life. 16 16points reply View more comments #39 "Artists, don't let anyone crush your dreams. If you're a real artist, chances are you're self destructive enough to crush them yourself." - Erikka Innes Report 51points POST Jessica Allred Jessica Allred Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago This one is just sad. 10 10points reply View More Replies... View more comments #40 "When we were kids, my friend and I used to shoplift. Our rule was to only steal from large corporaions. Do you get it? Even as a middle schoolers we had a stronger moral compass than large corporations." - Ben Rosenfeld Report 50points POST #41 "The day my buddy's daughter was born he said, "I already love
her so much, and I know that I would die for her." I said, "Dude.... you just met her... you always do this""- Mike Speirs Report 50points POST DDmaybeandor DDmaybeandor Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago ? This deserves to be way higher 0 0points reply #42 "A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice: “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!” He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?” “No, this is the rink manager!” - Emmy Award Report 49points POST #43 "Abortion is such a divisive issue. Conservatives argue that life begins at conception, while hipsters insist you haven't lived until you try Sriracha on a hot dog." - NatBaimel Report 47points POST It_is_what_it_is It_is_what_it_is Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Or avocado toast 9 9points reply View More Replies... View more comments #44 "I see people getting married to people they've known for like a year and a half. A year and half? Is that really enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the rest of your life with them? I mean, I've had sweaters for a year and a half... And I was like, "What was I doing with this sweater!" Report 46points POST It_is_what_it_is It_is_what_it_is Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago And you can't thrift a spouse! 15 15points reply View More Replies... View more comments #45 “Aaron is the worst name. It’s the first name in The Baby Name Book. How lazy can your parents be?” - Michael McIntyre’s Report 46points POST SheamusFan1987 SheamusFan1987 Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Think A-A-Ron instead: To O'Shag-Hen-Nessy's office now!!! 18 18points reply View More Replies... View more comments #46 "I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later." - Margaret Cho Report 45points POST Actively Lazy Cat Actively Lazy Cat Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago A tattoo is easier to get rid of.. 5 5points reply View More Replies... View more comments #47 “I’m sick of following my dreams - I’m just going to ask them where they are going and hook up with them later.” - Natasha Leggero Report 43points POST Maggie Maggie Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Yes 2 2points reply View more comments #48 “If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.'” – Eddie Izzard Report 43points POST W.D. Callahan W.D. Callahan Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Well maybe it wasn't the very first line, but check Isaiah 40:22. 11 11points reply View More Replies... View more comments #49 I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said: “How flexible are you?”
I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” – Tommy Cooper Report 43points POST $cagsy $cagsy Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago You know, it's easy to read these Tommy Cooper jokes and almost just nod at them as you scroll by. I just scrolled back up to say that I think that's because we have heard his jokes for decades, from our parents, our grandparents and maybe even more people than that. They have become a part of our everyday lives and our culture. Imagine hearing that gag for the first time. I bet they were rolling in the aisles. I would have been. 13 13points reply #50 “My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson Report 42points POST Lisa H Lisa H Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago This would be my paternal grandparents, assuming they could draw enough of a breath, but they were heavy smokers, too. 6 6points reply #51 “Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones Report 41points POST Mark Berry Mark Berry Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago That's me in the spot...light! 9 9points reply View more comments #52 "It took Marvel all of 20 seconds to create Wolverine and Deadpool. "They're Canadian right? Give them powers based on healthcare." - Danish Anwar Report 40points POST Teresa Francis Teresa Francis Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Yup?? 4 4points reply View more comments #53 "I just got fired as a mailman. I'm also a part time stand up. I'm funny but have to work on my delivery." Report 40points POST The pizza girl is here! The pizza girl is here! Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago That could work with a midwife too 9 9points reply #54 "I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long." Report 40points POST Just E Just E Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Mitch Hedberg 9 9points reply #55 “I bought a new pair of scissors. But they were in this extremely tight, plastic cover thing. And I realised, the only way to get my new scissors out of the packaging was to get scissors and cut the scissors out with scissors. The thing I needed was staring at me.” - Michael McIntyre’s Report 40points POST Lawrence mcalistar Lawrence mcalistar Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I recently had same issue but with a screwdriver it was screwed into the package so i needed a screw driver to get the screw driver out 6 6points reply View more comments #56 "I saw an item on the menu that said "Chef's recommendation." What is all the other stuff then? Is the chef just like "I could make it..." "I would NOT recommend it." - Richard Sarvate Report 39points POST Stephanie Goadsby Stephanie Goadsby Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago It a possibility that it's whatever is close to spoiling... or already has, depending on the quality of restaurant, unfortunately. 6 6points reply #57 "Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives." - Sue Murphy Report 38points POST Becca Hauck Becca Hauck Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Nope. He's pretty focused. 3 3points reply View more comments #58 “Who’s phoning radio stations to warn of traffic jams? Who in their right mind gets stuck and thinks, ‘Get me the phone, I must warn the others. It’s too late for me…'” - Michael McIntyre’s Report 37points POST Sneha Wilson Sneha Wilson Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Well. It's actually one of their employees calling to say that they are going to be late for work because of the traffic 4 4points reply See Also on Bored Panda Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics) 50 ‘Weird Facts’ About The World That Might Give You A Fresh Perspective #59 "Someone posted a win online recently. She said a boy in high school chemistry told her she'd never work at NASA and laughed at her. That was the day she decided to become an engineer, and, surprise surprise: she's now a scientist at NASA. That's proof that bullying works." - Sasha Rosser Report 35points POST *Displayname*=idk *Displayname*=idk Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago (edited) Someone once told me it was weird that girls like me like engineering and that is all the more reason why I want to be an engineer. (Edit: grammar) 6 6points reply View more comments #60 "A homeless woman has broken into my parents home 5 times this month. It's heartbreaking. She visits more than I do." Report 34points POST Sassy Squatch Sassy Squatch Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago It's nice that they have someone...lol 12 12points reply #61 “My father was a night watchman, but he was a victim of technology. He was replaced by a lock.” - Colin Quinn Report 34points POST Daniel Medela Trigoso Daniel Medela Trigoso Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago That is dumb. Replace him with a camera. -3 -3points reply View More Replies... View more comments #62 "My friend said the other day, “Doing comedy is so brave! What's your secret to keep doing it year after year despite all the failure?” I'm like, “My secret is not being afraid. Not being afraid to borrow money from my mom even though I'm in my 30s.” Report 33points POST #63 “If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld Report 33points POST Navindu Wijewardena Navindu Wijewardena Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago One of my favourite Seinfeld moments was when someone in the audience said "Jerry I love you!". Then Jerry said "Thank you. I love you too. But I do feel the need to see other people" 17 17points reply View more comments #64 “If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?” - Michael McIntyre’s Report 32points POST Sassy Squatch Sassy Squatch Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Because God has a messed up sense of humor just like the rest of us. Everyone laughs when their friend biffs it hard when skiing, or stubs the same toe on the same piece of furniture for like the 20th time that day lol 5 5points reply View more comments #65 “I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.” - Steven Wright Report 31points POST Junior Farrell Junior Farrell Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago (edited) So he Wrights music, and does stand-up comedy. 6 6points reply View More Replies... View more comments #66 "I love the troops. Because if they weren't the troops, I would be the troops. And I would be the worst troops." - Mike Birbiglia Report 31points POST Contented potato. Contented potato. Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I read that, then read who said it, then read it again in Mike Birbiglia’s voice 12 12points reply #67 "My husband is white and I'm black. I love being in an interracial relationship because I teach him about soul food and why Black Lives Matter; and he teaches me about filing taxes and showing up to places on time." Report 31points POST Sassy Squatch Sassy Squatch Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Hucking filarious! LOL 1 1point reply View more comments #68 "My wife is very manipulating. My friends say, 'Then why'd you marry her?' 'Because she is very manipulative!'" - Eric Navarro Report 29points POST ljbeanfield ljbeanfield Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago What? -2 -2points reply View More Replies... View more comments See Also on Bored Panda Overworked Employee Quits Because He Wasn't Getting A Fair Wage, Costs The Company $40 Million 40 Embarrassing Moments People Didn't Know Who They Were Talking To And Made A Fool Of Themselves #69 “If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!” - Milton Jones Report 28points POST *Displayname*=idk *Displayname*=idk Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago How do you know... ?? 1 1point reply #70 “I joined a mom’s group in Los Angeles. Yeah, I don’t find any of these mom's particularly interesting or fun, but when you’re a new mom on maternity leave, it’s like The Walking Dead – you just gotta hook up with a crew to survive.” — Ali Wong Report 28points POST #71 “A man walked into the doctor’s, he said ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.’
The doctor said ‘well don’t go there any more.’” - Tommy Cooper Report 27points POST #72 "My wife is always trying to get rid of me. Last night she told me to put the garbage out. I told her I already did. She told me to go keep an eye on it." - Rodney Dangerfield Report 27points POST Jenna Jenna Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I don't think I get it 3 3points reply View More Replies... View more comments #73 “My girlfriend needs 'space.' And this is what space means, guys. It means, ‘I need you to help me break up with you.’’’ - Yannis Pappas Report 27points POST Mark Berry Mark Berry Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago "We need to talk"..."things aren't working out"... 1 1point reply View more comments #74 "When I was 14, my family visited my uncle who lived in Queens. This was early Thursday morning, and my uncle was like, "I have something to show you." I had never heard of Thanksgiving. And my first day in America, he showed me the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I was like, "This is every day in America! As advertised!" "They have so much money, they have a party for Garfield everyday! Mariah Carey is here!" No other day has lived up to that first day." Report 26points POST #75 “My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. She read hers out: ‘One, George Clooney; two, Brad Pitt; three, Justin Timberlake; four, Jake Gyllenhaal; five, Johnny Depp.’ I thought, I’ve got the better deal here: ‘One, your sister…’”- Michael McIntyre’s Report 26points POST Mark Berry Mark Berry Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago ...the babysitter...your coworker... 4 4points reply View more comments #76 “So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.” - Tim Vine Report 25points POST Curly potato Curly potato Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Tim vine is hilarious! Any Not Going Out fans here??? 4 4points reply View more comments #77 “My son’s got two words: car and map, that’s all he can say. ‘Car, car, map, car!’ I’m fairly worried he’s trying to escape. So if the next word is passport, we’re in serious trouble.” - Michael McIntyre’s Report 25points POST #78 “DIY stands for “you should’ve married someone with more money.” — Ali Wong Report 24points POST Upper Enchilada Upper Enchilada Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Love her! 0 0points reply See Also on Bored Panda 30 Of The Most Hectic Homes As Shared On 'The Broke Agent' Instagram Account Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out #79 “You learn about humans when you have a baby. Like girls. Girls are so much more advanced than boys. I seriously think that girls are born in conversation. Like, they come out of the womb, talking: ‘Are you my mother? Lovely to put a face to a name.'” - Michael McIntyre’s Report 24points POST #80 “I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him. ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!’ He went insane.” - Carrot Top Report 23points POST Bob Bob Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I believe Steven Wright used this joke first 13 13points reply View More Replies... View more comments #81 "It is your job, as a parent, to make sure your child has the necessary tools to make their life easier than yours was. My child looks white. My job is done." - Silas Lindenstein Report 23points POST #82 “Advice to children crossing the street: Damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain’t never killed nobody.” — Moms Mabley Report 23points POST Ivan Petrov Ivan Petrov Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago That is not a joke, it's a life lesson. My sister got hit by a cat, that crossed on a red light. She was only slightly grazed, her bf pulled her back. Watch the cars. 7 7points reply View More Replies... View more comments #83 "If God had really intended man to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport." - Jonathan Winters Report 22points POST #84 "Here's my only thing with "Harry Potter.... They go to this school, and they take classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions and Divination, but they should be taking math also, right? Why are there no math teachers at Hogwarts? Or history, or geography? They're getting tested on Care of Magical Creatures - never heard of the Holocaust." - Kumail Nanjiani Report 22points POST Kayla Hewey Kayla Hewey Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago They have a magical history taught by a ghost but yeah no wizards in england know math they could all be taken down by a ponzie scheme 8 8points reply View more comments #85 "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" - Warren Hutcherson Report 22points POST The Captain The Captain Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago The little ones are kindling to get the big ones going. 10 10points reply View more comments #86 "New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved." - Johnny Carson Report 22points POST Steve C Steve C Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Heyoooo! 0 0points reply #87 "I used to want to be a skydiver because I thought skydiving was the most extreme sport. Then I found out that only 13 people died last year skydiving, but 1,000 people died from autoerotic asphyxiation - so I guess I'm already a lot more extreme when I thought." Report 21points POST Junior Farrell Junior Farrell Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I have no idea what that means. Can someone help me out? 8 8points reply View More Replies... View more comments #88 "For me trying to have just one beer is kinda like trying to fall down just one step of a staircase." - Tommy Gill Report 21points POST tnd hemanth tnd hemanth Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Once you start falling... you cannot stop till you reach the end or someone stops you. So you having a buttload of Beer or what? 1 1point reply View more comments See Also on Bored Panda I Used AI To See What These 23 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life 30 Y.O. Woman Takes DNA Test For Fun Only To Discover Her Long-Term Boyfriend Is Her Full Sibling #89 "One good thing about being chubby is I can get most of the wrinkles out of my clothes just by wearing them." - Antonio Report 21points POST #90 “Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now.” — Ali Wong Report 21points POST Callista Griffin Callista Griffin Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Yeah, I used to have a nice buffet line till my son ate it all... UU 4 4points reply #91 “Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.” — David Letterman Report 21points POST Daniel Medela Trigoso Daniel Medela Trigoso Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Damn, sounds nasty 0 0points reply #92 "There was a point in time when we were in (Disneyland) where I lost my daughter. But I knew eventually I would run into her again, so I took that time to get on rides she couldn't get on. When I saw her she was crying. I was like, 'It's not your birthday. Today's not about you.'" - Kevin Hart Report 20points POST Rosey Red Rosey Red Community Member • points posts comments upvotes 2 months ago He still wasn't able to ride them all due to the height requirements. 24 24points reply #93 "Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there's your diamond in the rough." - Larry David Report 20points POST David Geurtsen David Geurtsen Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I just re-read this in Bernie Sanders’ voice. 0 0points reply View more comments #94 "I tried therapy once a few years ago. The doctor gave me a CD with his voice speaking calmly to reduce my chances of having anxiety attacks. He told me to listen to it when I started to feel overwhelmed. For $100 a session he prescribed me his mixtape." - Mike Sicoli Report 20points POST #95 "I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow." - Margaret Smith Report 20points POST *Displayname*=idk *Displayname*=idk Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I don't get it. Help por favor! 0 0points reply View More Replies... View more comments #96 “Why is it that when people say ‘have you got a pen?’ You know you don’t have a pen but you still frisk yourself? You really want to help them as well. You start talking about pens you had. ‘I had a pen! I can see the pen in my mind. If you have come to me earlier you’d be writing right now, I’m so sorry!'” - Michael McIntyre’s Report 20points POST Ivan Petrov Ivan Petrov Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Because of my work, I would usually have a pen, a marker, and a folding knife on me. 5 5points reply View More Replies... View more comments #97 "I think I gamble too much. I don't even use a cell phone case. But when I drop my phone and it doesn't crack, I feel a rush like I just won 800 dollars." - Erics Obczak Report 18points POST #98 "I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian. I can stand up, now all I need is comedy." Report 18points POST See Also on Bored Panda "I Just Said Thank You And Left": Man’s Nice Gesture Is Praised After Pizza Hut Driver Got A $20 Tip On A $938 Order Woman Flabbergasted At Thrift Store's Prices, Calls Them Out By Sharing 14 Examples #99 "I was watching an elderly gentleman buying lottery tickets and I thought to myself... "Ha, this poor fool. What are the chances that's ever gonna work out?" Anyways, this is my 362nd stand-up shot." - Antonio Report 18points POST #100 "I'm a nerd. Not like, "I like Star Wars I'm such a nerd." I'm a real nerd. I've been to the Magic the Gathering pro tour... as a fan. - Eric Navarro Report 17points POST insert name here insert name here Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Good on you! 0 0points reply View more comments #101 “With kids it’s so funny because they’re not strong enough to kill you. But they want to kill you so bad.” — Tina Fey Report 17points POST Ashley Schriber Ashley Schriber Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I feel this could use some context...? 3 3points reply View More Replies... View more comments #102 "If you text 'I love you' and the person writes back an emoji - no matter what that emoji is. They don't love you back." - Chelsea Peretti Report 16points POST *Displayname*=idk *Displayname*=idk Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago That is sad... 1 1point reply #103 “I’m good at hello, I’m not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. Every time I say goodbye I sound like an idiot. You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you’re on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation. ‘Of course I’ll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I’ll say a few words… Byeeeeee!’ Why am I doing that?” - Michael McIntyre’s Report 16points POST The pizza girl is here! The pizza girl is here! Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I think this is something you have to hear him for, but I get the joke 5 5points reply #104 “How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell Report 15points POST #105 “It’s unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minutes, three minutes… this means nothing to people. As soon as you get on the platform it’s a level playing field. ‘I don’t care when you arrived, I’m getting on this train’.” - Michael McIntyre’s Report 15points POST #106 "Gamblers Anonymous: how do they know where to send your winnings?" - Harry Hill Report 14points POST Curly potato Curly potato Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I Love Harry hill, I also thought he made a great presenter on the children's bake off. I recommend to anyone who hasn't seen it 1 1point reply #107 “If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push ’em closer.” — Lewis Black Report 13points POST Daniel Medela Trigoso Daniel Medela Trigoso Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Leave that to Mother Earth... Slowly 1 1point reply View more comments #108 “You don’t get that much fun when you’re an adult, do you? The most fun we get is revolving doors.” - Michael McIntyre’s Report 13points POST See Also on Bored Panda 50 Parents Having A Pretty Miserable Day Photoshop Troll Who Takes Photo Requests Too Literally Strikes Again, And The Result Is Hilarious (17 Pics) #109 “It’s never enough to say you’re from London, people want to know exactly where you’re from. They see it as more of a test of their own geographical knowledge. You say, ‘I’m from London’ people go, ‘Where abouts, where abouts, where abouts, where abouts exactly, where abouts?’ ‘Uh… North London.’ If they know it they get more excited. ‘Where abouts, where abouts, where abouts?’ ‘Muswell Hill’ ‘Where abouts? Where abouts?!’ ‘Do you know Sainsbury’s?’ ‘Yeeeeeeessssssssss!'” - Michael McIntyre’s Report 13points POST Curly potato Curly potato Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Lol so true 3 3points reply View more comments #110 “You can’t be on the tube without reading, reading is very important. You get on on the morning and every single person is reading the Metro. Everyone, everyone. Why doesn’t one person just read it to the carriage?” - Michael McIntyre’s Report 13points POST #111 “I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for 'flu'. So I went, and I got it.” - Tommy Cooper Report 12points POST #112 “There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.” — Chelsea Handler Report 12points POST Will Young Will Young Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I like stickers O_o 3 3points reply View more comments #113 “People have absolutely no idea how to access water from modern taps. You have lines of people doing tai chi trying to work it out.” - Michael McIntyre’s Report 11points POST DDmaybeandor DDmaybeandor Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago This is hilarious. Try swinging your baby’s arms about trying to activate the thing, all while perched on one leg to give him somewhere to sit or stand? God, that’s a nightmare. 0 0points reply View more comments #114 "I went to a stand up about mountain climbing. I was skeptical at first but, I have to admit when the routine reached its peak there was some high level jokes." Report 10points POST Anyone can write on Bored Panda. Start writing! Follow Bored Panda on Google News! Follow us on Flipboard.com/@boredpanda! Add Your Answer! Not your original work? Add source Publish Change image Upload Photo Ooops! Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. Upload Upload Edit Image Error occurred when generating embed. Please check link and try again. Render conversation
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Title Update Žydrūnė Trukanavičiūtė Žydrūnė Trukanavičiūtė Author, BoredPanda staff Žydrūnė is a SEO listicles curator. She is a dreamer who likes active free time, nature, loves her friends, books and chips. She like to create surrealistic visual art, so she often watches Photoshop tutorials instead of movies. Also, Žydrūnė can't imagine life without her bicycle. "I am the person who will go to the store by bicycle, even though the distance to it is only 100m." Hates Coca-Cola and Mcdonalds. Read more » Justė Kairytė - Barkauskienė Justė Kairytė - Barkauskienė Writer, BoredPanda staff Justė is a copywriter here at Bored Panda, and though her studies at the Veterinary Academy seemingly have nothing to do with writing, the passion for animals and nature helps in creating the most interesting and engaging posts. She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier.

Justė's not only an avid equestrian, but she's also a walking encyclopedia. Ask her anything! Read more » Show All Contributors Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! Download Bored Panda app! You May Like 100 Country Jokes To Kindle Your Wanderlust Saimonas Lukošius 80 Of The Funniest Puns Ever Akvile Petraityte 50 Of The Most Ironic Images That Show The Universe Has A Great Sense Of Humor (New Pics) Audrius P. Popular on Bored Panda Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics) 50 ‘Weird Facts’ About The World That Might Give You A Fresh Perspective Overworked Employee Quits Because He Wasn't Getting A Fair Wage, Costs The Company $40 Million 40 Embarrassing Moments People Didn't Know Who They Were Talking To And Made A Fool Of Themselves 30 Of The Most Hectic Homes As Shared On 'The Broke Agent' Instagram Account Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out 50 People Who Are Having A Terrible Day At Work 30 Mistakes Made By Designers And Architects Who Didn’t Think Of The Person Who’d Be Using Their Designs European Is Shocked To Learn How American Suburbs Work, Goes Online To Ask Some Accurate Questions Share your thoughts POST Curly potato Curly potato Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago All very funny! Shame not to see any of Lee Mack's jokes on here 0 0points reply Junior Farrell Junior Farrell Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I was hoping to find some by Tim Hawkins. 2 2points reply Load More Replies... SoozeeQ SoozeeQ Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Love Tim Hawkins! 0 0points reply POST Curly potato Curly potato Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago All very funny! Shame not to see any of Lee Mack's jokes on here 0 0points reply Junior Farrell Junior Farrell Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago I was hoping to find some by Tim Hawkins. 2 2points reply Load More Replies... SoozeeQ SoozeeQ Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 months ago Love Tim Hawkins! 0 0points reply Popular on Bored Panda I Used AI To See What These 23 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life 30 Y.O. Woman Takes DNA Test For Fun Only To Discover Her Long-Term Boyfriend Is Her Full Sibling "I Just Said Thank You And Left": Man’s Nice Gesture Is Praised After Pizza Hut Driver Got A $20 Tip On A $938 Order Woman Flabbergasted At Thrift Store's Prices, Calls Them Out By Sharing 14 Examples 50 Parents Having A Pretty Miserable Day Photoshop Troll Who Takes Photo Requests Too Literally Strikes Again, And The Result Is Hilarious (17 Pics) Popular on Bored Panda "Never Come Back To My Restaurant": Chef Bans Rude Restaurant Patrons And Gives $1,350 Bill To 22 Y.O. 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To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Like what you're reading? Subscribe to our top stories Subscribe Please enter email address Also on Bored Panda European Is Shocked To Learn How American Suburbs Work, Goes Online To Ask Some Accurate Questions "Never Come Back To My Restaurant": Chef Bans Rude Restaurant Patrons And Gives $1,350 Bill To 22 Y.O. 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