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Wife Is Furious After Husband Says He Only Wants To Adopt One Of Her Two Children But The Internet Supports Him

Jonas Grinevičius and
Kotryna Brašiškytė
While most people have the same physical needs-food, shelter, clothing, safety, stability-their emotional needs might differ. And though we all want (and need!) love, respect, and support, the specifics can vary a lot from individual to individual. The same applies to kids. Some might want a closer relationship with their parents; others might want a bit more space. A redditor, who goes by the username u/adopterdaddd1652, wrote up a very powerful post on the AITA subreddit, asking for the community's input about his family situation. The OP is a man who hopes to adopt one of his wife's children-the younger daughter. However, he doesn't want to do the same with the teenage son, and explained exactly why. The internet reacted in a surprising way to the story. Scroll down to read the full post, in the dad's own words. Be sure to share your thoughts and feelings on this in the comments, Pandas. Remember, adoption is a sensitive subject, so be kind.

Developing a relationship with someone who already has children can be rewarding yet challenging

Image credits: Allen Taylor (not the actual photo)

A man shared why he d love to become the stepdad to his wife s daughter but would rather not adopt her teenage son

Image credits: Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas (not the actual photo) Image credits: adopterdaddd1652 The dad explained that he feels a genuine bond with his wife's daughter. He was absolutely delighted when the eight-year-old asked him to adopt her. However, on the flip side, her fifteen-year-old son doesn't see him as a potential stepfather, 'merely' his mom's new husband. "He's never liked me and has no interest in bonding with me. He won't come on one-on-one days out with me and never really has, will barely speak to me, doesn't want me to come to his school sports, doesn't want me to know about his life or his friends or his hobbies, etc. The few times I've managed to convince him to come somewhere with me out of necessity, he seemed like the unhappiest kid ever and so I've stopped forcing it now," the OP writes. The issue is that, according to the post author's wife, he'd have to adopt both kids in the interest of 'fairness.' She doesn't want her kids treated differently or someone being excluded, and doesn't appear to fully understand his position. That's why u/adopterdaddd1652 turned to the AITA community for their advice. And they've been delightfully supportive. Some redditors had truly great pieces of advice. Someone suggested asking the teenager if he'd like to be adopted and telling him that he can always change his mind if he ends up saying 'no.' Someone else pointed out that treating kids fairly can mean meeting their very different needs. The road to happiness might be very different for them: the daughter may prefer adoption; the son might need space and independence. Like in pretty much every area of life, open and honest communication is the best way forward. The first step to solving any complex family issue is to get everyone on the same page. Find out everyone's goals and expectations, and look for some reasonable compromises. Being part of a family usually means that we don't fully get what we want because we have to adapt to the wants and needs of our loved ones. So everyone has to have at least a bit of flexibility. The cold harsh truth is that you can never force someone to love or respect you: that comes over time, naturally. If you put in genuine effort to connect with someone, consistently, but there's no feedback, you simply move on with your life without holding a grudge. Friendships and relationships (whether familial, platonic, or romantic) are two-way streets. And one person can't do all the heavy lifting and be expected to always set aside all of their needs. According to the Australian parenting website 'Raising Children,' becoming a step-parent can give you the chance to play a central role in a child's life and strengthen your relationship with your partner. "To start with, your partner's child might feel shy or even uncomfortable around you. That's OK. It might take a while for you and your partner's child to find ways to relate that feel right to both of you," the website explains that patience is key. "At times, you might also have to deal with negative reactions from the child's other parent. This could affect how your partner's child feels and behaves towards you. Also, you and your partner might have different ideas about raising children, guiding children's behavior, balancing work and family, and so on." Building a genuine relationship with your future step-children will take time and effort. The more time you spend together, the more you're aware of their interests and ambitions, the better you're positioned to give them a helping hand and support them as they grow and develop. Meanwhile, speak to your partner about their kids' (dis)likes, hobbies, and character. Remember: you're supposed to be a team. And don't take it personally if the bonds you'd like to see don't develop as quickly as you'd like. It's a marathon, not a sprint. NPR stresses the fact that you must be patient because it can take a long time for your stepkids to see you as their parent. While you're taking care of your family and remembering to spend quality time with them, remember to keep your own needs in mind as well to avoid exhaustion and burnout. Be sure to eat healthy food, exercise, sleep well, take walks out in nature, and focus on your hobbies and passion projects when you can.

Some internet users had great pieces of advice for the man

Here s what some other members of the AITA community told the author of the post

Anyone can write on Bored Panda. Start writing! Follow Bored Panda on Google News! Follow us on Flipboard.com/@boredpanda! Share on Facebook Jonas Grinevičius Follow Unfollow Jonas Grinevičius Writer, BoredPanda staff Jonas is a Bored Panda writer who previously worked as a world news journalist elsewhere. After getting his bachelor's degree in Politics and International Relations at the University of Manchester, he returned home and graduated from Vilnius University with a master's degree in Comparative Politics. Jonas enjoys writing articles ranging from serious topics like politics and social issues to more lighthearted things like art, pop culture, and nature. In his spare time, Jonas writes books and short stories and likes to draw lighthearted illustrations. A huge fan of literature, films, philosophy, and tabletop games, he also has a special place in his heart for anything related to fantasy or science fiction. Read more » Kotryna Brašiškytė Kotryna Brašiškytė Author, BoredPanda staff Kotryna is a Photo Editor at Bored Panda with a BA in Graphic Design. Before Bored Panda, she worked as a freelance graphic designer and illiustrator. When not editing, she enjoys working with clay, drawing, playing board games and drinking good tea. Read more » Show All Contributors Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! Download Bored Panda app! You May Like MIL Barely Sees Her Grandkids, Lies That Husband Doesn’t Want Them In Their House, Later Gets Exposed In Front Of The Whole Family Monika Pašukonytė 16 Y.O. 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It wasn't part of the deal when both the mom and new husband ALREADY SAID YES. That's just going to mess up the relationship between the 2 kids. Is the mom too embarrassed by the prospect of explaining the dynamic to her friends? 63 63points reply Helena R Helena R Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Also (although I'm not sure which country the OP is based in) if the son is now 15 he would legally be considered an adult in a few years time which would also be something to consider since that would also change the family dynamic 20 20points reply Load More Replies... Aunt Riarch Aunt Riarch Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago I'm hoping that she's just using the threat as a lever to make sure that OP does ask the boy, and if the boy says no, she will allow him to adopt the girl. Hoping. Otherwise she's a massive arsehole 7 7points reply Rissie Rissie Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago This comment is hidden. Click here to view. I totally disagree. Adoption brings with it some very serious legal implications. Things an eight year old doesn't care or think about. Her question was to be in a loving relationship with the new dad figure in the household. Mother however needs to use her words and explain (and understand) why she is against this. Adopting one of her children and not the other will have implications on guardianship and after death how inheritances will be split. If you've gone through one divorce, you know the first part is not an unlikely scenario as to becoming complicated and the latter is just a matter of time. The girl being adopted and the boy not will leave one kid with more than the other. That's not fair at all. Mom is right keeping things fair and these kids have no say in this because they cannot comprehend the implications. And I'm shocked pepe here are thinking otherwise... This is not a fairytale, this is the real world... -9 -9points reply Amy S Amy S Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Could those issues be solved with a will? 4 4points reply Ashley Kay Ashley Kay Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Hate to break it to you, but you're opinion makes it sound like you live in a fairy tale. 1 1point reply Cecily Holland Cecily Holland Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago The wife is the a*****e here using the young daughter to try and manipulate her husband into adopting both kids when the older one is clearly not interested. Sounds like it’s more about the wife’s fantasy vision of her perfect family than genuinely what’s best for them as a family 39 39points reply 7773989 7773989 Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Maybe I’ve watched too many soaps but I smell something in here. It’s quite easy to manipulate a 8-year old to think that it would be so nice to have a real daddy, like adopted dad is. I’m thinking the mother planted that idea in her daughter’s mind to make her make the suggestion. Because it’s so cute that a girl wants a daddy. The ultimate goal, however, is to get a real legal daddy to both kids. The mother knows that her son does not want to be adopted, but she thinks he should be. Thus, the ultimatum: it’s all or nothing. Maybe it’s her dream family fantasy, maybe it’s because she thinks she might die and then her kids would at least have a legal guardian. Or maybe it’s all in my head. 16 16points reply Load More Replies... Helena R Helena R Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Or if you do the maths this guy may be the only father figure she's ever known. He met the mum five years ago so she would've been about three. If the real father had already gone for a while it's entirely possible she was still a baby when he left. It's also possible that if he left when the mother was pregnant she never knew him, meaning OP really is in her eyes 'dad' 8 8points reply just me just me Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago I agree with you. But, in my mind, that would make it less likely that she would ask to be adopted. She would already think of him as 'dad'. Unless someone/something has put the idea in her head that he's not unless he legally adopts her. 0 0points reply Brazen Brazen Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Kids are way smarter than you are giving them credit for. I am adopted and I understood what all that meant by the age of 5. I'm sure this girl understands what she is asking for. It's not like you can't see examples of it all over the internet as well. 4 4points reply Lirael Kl Lirael Kl Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago This comment is hidden. Click here to view. Well, not just a fantasy, but an effort to secure an inheritance for the son as well maybe? If he is legally adopted, he'll have inheritance rights even if the parents end up divorcing. Sooo, it looks like the mom has a bit of a game going on — manipulating the daughter to start the conversation about adoption (knowing tge stepdad is very attached to her) and then bringing the son into it -4 -4points reply ADB ADB Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago This comment is hidden. Click here to view. That's my thought - EVERY woman that had prior kids that went into a marriage that I've known about, made it their life's work to get those kids that new husband's inheritance, even if it meant cutting his own children out of his will. -6 -6points reply Mel The Axolotl Mel The Axolotl Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Honestly, I think this step-dad is doing the best he can. He obv loves his step-son and has put effort into his relationship with him, but is respecting the step-sons boundaries. I actually think it's more unfair to both children that they have to arrive at the same decision. If James said no, Becky would resent him, If James caved he would resent Becky. Forcing them to be the same is gonna create a rift between the kids and ultimately the family. 33 33points reply There Is No Planet B There Is No Planet B Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Exactly! That mom is a bit of an idiot 21 21points reply Load More Replies... Load More Comments POST Seth Seth Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Asking the son makes sense, but not allowing new husband to adopt the daughter if the son says no is an asinine condition. It wasn't part of the deal when both the mom and new husband ALREADY SAID YES. That's just going to mess up the relationship between the 2 kids. Is the mom too embarrassed by the prospect of explaining the dynamic to her friends? 63 63points reply Helena R Helena R Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Also (although I'm not sure which country the OP is based in) if the son is now 15 he would legally be considered an adult in a few years time which would also be something to consider since that would also change the family dynamic 20 20points reply Load More Replies... Aunt Riarch Aunt Riarch Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago I'm hoping that she's just using the threat as a lever to make sure that OP does ask the boy, and if the boy says no, she will allow him to adopt the girl. Hoping. Otherwise she's a massive arsehole 7 7points reply Rissie Rissie Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago This comment is hidden. Click here to view. I totally disagree. Adoption brings with it some very serious legal implications. Things an eight year old doesn't care or think about. Her question was to be in a loving relationship with the new dad figure in the household. Mother however needs to use her words and explain (and understand) why she is against this. Adopting one of her children and not the other will have implications on guardianship and after death how inheritances will be split. If you've gone through one divorce, you know the first part is not an unlikely scenario as to becoming complicated and the latter is just a matter of time. The girl being adopted and the boy not will leave one kid with more than the other. That's not fair at all. Mom is right keeping things fair and these kids have no say in this because they cannot comprehend the implications. And I'm shocked pepe here are thinking otherwise... This is not a fairytale, this is the real world... -9 -9points reply Amy S Amy S Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Could those issues be solved with a will? 4 4points reply Ashley Kay Ashley Kay Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Hate to break it to you, but you're opinion makes it sound like you live in a fairy tale. 1 1point reply Cecily Holland Cecily Holland Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago The wife is the a*****e here using the young daughter to try and manipulate her husband into adopting both kids when the older one is clearly not interested. Sounds like it’s more about the wife’s fantasy vision of her perfect family than genuinely what’s best for them as a family 39 39points reply 7773989 7773989 Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Maybe I’ve watched too many soaps but I smell something in here. It’s quite easy to manipulate a 8-year old to think that it would be so nice to have a real daddy, like adopted dad is. I’m thinking the mother planted that idea in her daughter’s mind to make her make the suggestion. Because it’s so cute that a girl wants a daddy. The ultimate goal, however, is to get a real legal daddy to both kids. The mother knows that her son does not want to be adopted, but she thinks he should be. Thus, the ultimatum: it’s all or nothing. Maybe it’s her dream family fantasy, maybe it’s because she thinks she might die and then her kids would at least have a legal guardian. Or maybe it’s all in my head. 16 16points reply Load More Replies... Helena R Helena R Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Or if you do the maths this guy may be the only father figure she's ever known. He met the mum five years ago so she would've been about three. If the real father had already gone for a while it's entirely possible she was still a baby when he left. It's also possible that if he left when the mother was pregnant she never knew him, meaning OP really is in her eyes 'dad' 8 8points reply just me just me Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago I agree with you. But, in my mind, that would make it less likely that she would ask to be adopted. She would already think of him as 'dad'. Unless someone/something has put the idea in her head that he's not unless he legally adopts her. 0 0points reply Brazen Brazen Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Kids are way smarter than you are giving them credit for. I am adopted and I understood what all that meant by the age of 5. I'm sure this girl understands what she is asking for. It's not like you can't see examples of it all over the internet as well. 4 4points reply Lirael Kl Lirael Kl Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago This comment is hidden. Click here to view. Well, not just a fantasy, but an effort to secure an inheritance for the son as well maybe? If he is legally adopted, he'll have inheritance rights even if the parents end up divorcing. Sooo, it looks like the mom has a bit of a game going on — manipulating the daughter to start the conversation about adoption (knowing tge stepdad is very attached to her) and then bringing the son into it -4 -4points reply ADB ADB Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago This comment is hidden. Click here to view. That's my thought - EVERY woman that had prior kids that went into a marriage that I've known about, made it their life's work to get those kids that new husband's inheritance, even if it meant cutting his own children out of his will. -6 -6points reply Mel The Axolotl Mel The Axolotl Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Honestly, I think this step-dad is doing the best he can. He obv loves his step-son and has put effort into his relationship with him, but is respecting the step-sons boundaries. I actually think it's more unfair to both children that they have to arrive at the same decision. If James said no, Becky would resent him, If James caved he would resent Becky. Forcing them to be the same is gonna create a rift between the kids and ultimately the family. 33 33points reply There Is No Planet B There Is No Planet B Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 weeks ago Exactly! 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