People On Reddit Share Their Favorite Jokes (171 Answers) Bored Panda Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app Continue in app Continue in browser Like what you're reading? Subscribe to our top stories Please enter email address By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. We respect your privacy. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. Almost finished... To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Almost finished... To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Are you leaving already? Are you sure you want to post this? We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted this warning is a mistake x x Let's fight boredom together! Continue with Facebook Continue with Google or Log In Don't have an account? Sign Up Forgot your password? Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's Terms of Service 0, text: error()"> Become a member Sign Up Have an account? Login Forgot your password? Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's Terms of Service 0, text: error(), css: errorCssClass"> Password reminder Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. Send Have an account? Login Don't have an account? Sign Up Get our top 10 stories in your inbox: Finish 0, text: error(), css: errorCssClass"> Please enter your email to complete registration Finish 0, text: error(), css: errorCssClass"> Activate to continue Your account is not active. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. I have already activated my account Resend activation link We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide social media features, and analyze our traffic. You can read more about it and change your preferences here. Agree By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. You can change your preferences here. Agree BoredPanda Login Add Post Search ArtPhotographyAnimalsFunnyTravelIllustrationComicsDIYGood NewsParentingChallengeAsk Pandas More Featured Trending Latest Newsletter The Bored Panda iOS app is live! Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. Bored Panda People On Reddit Share Their Favorite Jokes 171 Answers Home Partnership Advertise Success stories Jobs About us Contact 18points x Facebook Pinterest Twitter Funny, Jokes3 days ago

People On Reddit Share Their Favorite Jokes 171 Answers

Eligijus Sinkunas and
Marisha Kazaryan
Publish Not your original work? Add source #1 A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?" To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?" Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer." Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. 6 weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, I've found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together." The couple responds by saying, "We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?" To which Peter replies, "Jesus Christ! It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!" PoetBilly Report 29points POST Iconic Iconic Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago And so you see...... 2 2points reply View more comments #2 Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the p is silent. 10ofClubs Report 28points POST citrus citrus Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago hehehehehehehe 1 1point reply View more comments #3 A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts." gurry Report 19points POST Headless Roach Headless Roach Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago You see, grammar police? There is no difference between "you're" and "your" 4 4points reply View more comments #4 How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a hardware problem. caffiend2 Report 16points POST Headless Roach Headless Roach Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago Have you tried removing the bulb and putting it back in again? 3 3points reply View More Replies... View more comments #5 The Australian Approach. A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! 'What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4' The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' 'No, no, no.. he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.' sheen16 Report 15points POST Iconic Iconic Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago And so you see.... this man was always working hard and someone didn't believe in him 1 1point reply View more comments #6 Two bacteria walk into a bar, the bartender say "We don't serve your kind here." The bacteria respond, "No its okay we're staph." brosefballin Report 15points POST DennyS (denzoren) DennyS (denzoren) Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago I like this one. Lol. Reminds me of our plant biology teacher at uni, before every class he'd share a far side comic. Dr. Barclay, awesome guy. 3 3points reply View More Replies... View more comments #7 A Texan walks into a bar in Ireland and lays down a thousand dollars. He announces to the bar, "Anyone who can drink six pints of Guinness in a row wins the cash." No one responds to the man and says there are no real drinkers in Ireland. One man stands up and leaves the bar and comes back twenty minutes later. He asks the Texan if anyone has completed the challenge and the Texan says no. So he asks the bar tender to set up six pints of Guinness and he downs them one after the other. The Texan pays the man but has to ask, "Where did you go for twenty minutes?" The Irishman replies, "To the pub up the street to see if I could do it, first." ErroneousEric Report 15points POST #8 The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."

A time traveller walks into a bar. Dafman Report 14points POST le_smol_froge le_smol_froge Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 days ago Haha 0 0points reply #9 How many sound engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, two. VinceBlack Report 13points POST memeju1ce memeju1ce Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago ok i’m gonna need an explanation for this one 2 2points reply View More Replies... View more comments #10 "So I went to the doctor last week for a check up, and the doctor was like 'You have GOT to stop masturbating!' And I was like 'Oh no Doc! Why?!?' And he said 'Because I'm trying to examine you!'" clay19 Report 12points POST Iconic Iconic Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago I CAN'T 0 0points reply View more comments #11 One day 3 people were stuck on an island with cannibals. The cannibals said, "If you do what we say, we wont kill you." So the 3 people followed the orders the cannibals. So the cannibals said, "Go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of the first fruit you see." So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. The cannibals said, "Put the apples up your ass without making a facial expression." The person then made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him. The second person came back out of the forest with 10 cherries. The cannibals said, "Put the cherries up your butt without making a facial expression." The person then started laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed him. In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with cherries "Why did you start laughing?" The person replied, "I saw the third person come out with pineapples." racer_ohms Report 12points POST le_smol_froge le_smol_froge Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 days ago (edited) OH NO 0 0points reply View more comments #12 The people of Dubai don't get to watch the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do. badbadman2 Report 11points POST #13 How do you tell the differences between an oral and rectal thermometer?

By the taste. buba1243 Report 11points POST Michael Müller Michael Müller Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago From the movie idiocracy. I love it. So funny and sadly true today. 1 1point reply View more comments #14 One atom says to another, "I think someone stole my electron!" Second atom asks, "Are you sure?" First replies, "Yes! I'm positive!" Tusularah Report 11points POST #15 "My friends think I'm really condescending. That means I talk down to people." ggggbabybabybaby Report 11points POST DennyS (denzoren) DennyS (denzoren) Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago I thought condescending just meant going somewhere without walking down stairs or down hill.....get it....con(spanish)descend.....get it....I'll show myself out. Lol 1 1point reply View more comments #16 Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you're a mile away and you have his shoes. Atarius Report 11points POST #17 What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot! badcomment Report 11points POST Headless Roach Headless Roach Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago You guys can hear carrots? 2 2points reply View More Replies... View more comments #18 Two Newfoundland fishermen, Robert and Peter, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Robert turns to Peter and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.Tomorrow I think I'll go the community college, and sign up for some classes." Peter agrees that it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Robert goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, english, history and logic. "Logic?" Robert says. "What's that?The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a lawn mower?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a lawn mower, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the Dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that, because I have a lawn mower." Excited to take the class now, Robert shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Peter at the bar. He tells Peter about his classes, how he is signed up for math, english, history and logic. "Logic?" Peter says, "What's that?" Robert says, "I'll show you. Do you have a lawn mower?" "No." "Then you're gay." reddit.com Report 10points POST Trophy Husband Trophy Husband Community Member • points posts comments upvotes 2 days ago I don't own a lawn mower, but I do own a house... 1 1point reply View more comments #19 A man is talking to his doctor. Doc says "I'm afraid you have cancer and you have alzheimers." The man replies "Well at least I don't have cancer!" reddit.com Report 10points POST I think I’m hilarious I think I’m hilarious Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 day ago Sad 0 0points reply #20 "An old lady in front of me at the ATM asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over." transmota Report 10points POST DennyS (denzoren) DennyS (denzoren) Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago I'd say she has poor balance. 0 0points reply #21 "Knock Knock."

"Who's there?"

"To."

"To who?"

"To WHOM." ckcornflake Report 10points POST Buren Buren Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 days ago Goddammit, police everywhere. 1 1point reply #22 "I just got a call from a charity asking me if I wanted to donate some of my old clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to go away. Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving." bartstarr Report 10points POST DennyS (denzoren) DennyS (denzoren) Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago Why wouldn't they ask for food instead? 2 2points reply View More Replies... View more comments #23 "When I die, I'd like to go quietly and in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not yelling and screaming like his passengers." h_factor Report 10points POST Vix Spiderthrust Vix Spiderthrust Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago A Bob Monkhouse classic. 2 2points reply #24 An English man, an Irish man and a Scots man walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says "Is this some kind of joke?" Eulenspiegel74 Report 10points POST #25 A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?" jdquinn Report 10points POST Nenya Nenya Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago A dung beetle walks into a bar and says “Is this stool taken?” 3 3points reply #26 How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Microwave it until it's Bill Withers. Dalai_Loafer Report 10points POST JoyfulZebra JoyfulZebra Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 days ago (edited) "Duck sounds good, but I'm not a good cook." "Don't worry, we can make it if we try." 0 0points reply View more comments #27 Child 1: "Dad why did you name me Rose?"

Dad: "When you were a baby a rose fell on your head."

Child 2: "Dad why did you name me Daisy?"

Dad: "When you were a baby a daisy fell on your head."

Child 3: "Urghhhdsargahgr."

Dad: "Shut up Fridge." reddit.com Report 9points POST Tinykame Tinykame Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 days ago Oh no 1 1point reply #28 A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry but we don't serve food here." reddit.com Report 9points POST DennyS (denzoren) DennyS (denzoren) Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago It's alright, he's just a snack. 0 0points reply #29 Why did the alzheimers patient cross the road?

Six. One to hold the lightbulb, and five to rotate the ladder he's standing on. lilgreenrosetta Report 9points POST #30 What's brown and sticky?

A stick. kowabungo Report 9points POST #31 There are two goldfish in a tank; one turns to the other and says "You man the guns and I'll drive." reddit.com Report 9points POST DennyS (denzoren) DennyS (denzoren) Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago (edited) Hahahaha but "you ain't got no legs Lt. Dan" came to mind. 1 1point reply #32 A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!" The boy replied, "No way??? Who did she play for?" OWylde Report 9points POST #33 A fireman runs into a classroom with a screw driver and shouts "Everyone get out, now. This is not a drill" ignoramusaurus Report 9points POST #34 How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightblub?

Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. mrgreenfur Report 9points POST JoyfulZebra JoyfulZebra Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 days ago What does a surrealist magician say after he performs his trick? Dada! 0 0points reply #35 Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says "Hey, did you hear about that outbreak of Mad Cow Disease? I heard that it mainly affects cows and it makes us go insane!" The second cow replies "Good thing I'm a helicopter." crimsonandred88 Report 9points POST DennyS (denzoren) DennyS (denzoren) Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago Reminds me of an old Billy Connolly joke about Wildebeest not knowing they're Wildebeests "for there are no mirrors in the Serengeti" 1 1point reply #36 A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says to the worker "Make me one with everything." TheEliVance Report 9points POST BigMamaDave BigMamaDave Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago Sounds about Wright, Steven. 0 0points reply #37 Guy walks into the docter's office. "Doc, I got an unusual problem," he says. "Well, tell me about it," says the doc. "Doc, I... I have 5 organs..." says the guy. "My God, man," the doctor exclaims, "How do your pants fit?" The guy turns, puts on sunglasses, and says, "Like a glove." jizwham Report 9points POST JB JB Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 days ago YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!!! 0 0points reply #38 A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a mop. buckeyeb Report 9points POST #39 Two nuns are driving down the road when a vampire jumps on the hood of their car. The first nun yells "Quick! Show him your cross!" So the second nun looks at the vampire and then yells "Hey! Get off our car!" laurasaurus Report 8points POST #40 How many alzheimers patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side! tehPwnerer46 Report 8points POST DennyS (denzoren) DennyS (denzoren) Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago Lightbulb who? 2 2points reply View More Replies... View more comments #41 Why does Snoop carry toilet paper?

Fo Shizzle. onthevergejoe Report 8points POST #42 Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him. OWylde Report 8points POST DennyS (denzoren) DennyS (denzoren) Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago Awww...poor doggo. 2 2points reply #43 What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhino?

Elephino. JMWTech Report 8points POST CelticElff CelticElff Community Member • points posts comments upvotes 3 days ago (hint: the answer wounds a lot like "Hell if I know") 2 2points reply View More Replies... View more comments #44 How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

"Um, it's a pretty obscure number, I'm not sure you would know it." kHartos Report 7points POST #45 "A homeless man once said that he would tell me the funniest joke of all time if I gave him a dollar. I gave him one, and he produced this joke. Then I gave him another dollar." reddit.com Report 7points POST #46 What did the fish say when he swam into the cement wall?

"Dam." winterchil Report 7points POST DennyS (denzoren) DennyS (denzoren) Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago (edited) I used to work on a fish farm and we had to harvest the fish from round tanks with nets. So three persons would hold the rectangular next and walk across the tank to corner the fish. No one wanted to be the middle guy because the fishes, which were pretty big, would jump when they saw the net closing in and basically hit you all over the body....even in some unfortunate areas. Not related but just wanted to share that experience if anyone is ever in that situation and can relate. 4 4points reply View More Replies... View more comments #47 A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies: "I did... today I'm taking them to the beach!" reddit.com Report 7points POST #48 "There are 2 things that I regret most in my life. 1. How many times I screwed up. 2. Naming my dog "Up"." yoble101 Report 7points POST le_smol_froge le_smol_froge Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 day ago OH NO OH NO OH NO 0 0points reply #49 A magician was walking down the street. Then he turned into a grocery store. delicious_sandwich Report 7points POST #50 A blond, brunette and red-head are sitting in the waiting area of their OB/GYN's office. As they were making small talk, the brunette says, "I'm going to have a boy because he was on top." The red-head then says, "I'm going to have a girl because I was on top." The blond (mortified) suddenly starts crying. The other women (concerned) ask her what's wrong and through her tears says, "I'm going to have puppies!" TheOffMan Report 7points POST #51 What is E.T. short for?

He's got little tiny legs jesuispie Report 7points POST #52 Has eyes but can't see. Has wings but can't fly. Has a beak but can't sing. What is it?

A dead bird. nikiu Report 7points POST #53 A newspaper asked people around the world, "What is your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?" Western Europe said, "What do you mean by shortage?" Eastern Europe said, "What do you mean by opinion?" Africa said, "What do you mean by food?" The U.S. said, "What do you mean by the rest of the world?" brownboy13 Report 7points POST #54 What did the pig say while standing in the hot sun?

"I'm bacon!" thisischri5 Report 7points POST #55 Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell is on the balcony with Dave?" HypedUp Report 6points POST #56 A nurse walks into a bank to deposit her pay check. She reaches into her purse to pull out a pen to sign her check. To her dismay, she pulls out a rectal thermometer. In frustration, she throws her arms up and shouts, "Oh, great! Someone has my pen!" Murse85 Report 6points POST Vix Spiderthrust Vix Spiderthrust Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago No. The punchline is "Some arsehole has my pen". 11 11points reply View More Replies... View more comments #57 Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome. One says breathlessly, "I've never come this way before!" to which the other replies, "It's the cobblestones." kehrin Report 6points POST le_smol_froge le_smol_froge Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 day ago OH NOOOO 0 0points reply #58 The KGB and CIA get together one day and decide that they will decide the fates of their two agencies with a dogfight. An agreement is made to reconvene in six years with each country's most vicious dog for the decisive fight. The KGB quickly scoured the country for the most vicious and brutal dogs, selectively breeding them into the perfect dog. Rottweilers, pit bulls, mastiffs, they bred them all. At the end of the six years, they ended up with a dog more ferocious than any the world had ever seen - so vicious, that they had to bring it to the fight housed in a steel cage with six-inch thick bars. Imagine the KGB's surprise, then, when the Americans show up with a docile looking dachshund. Laughs are had, and the fight quickly commences, the KGB fully expecting it to be over within a matter of seconds. Sure enough, after the first few seconds, the dachshund opens up an unbelievably massive jaw and swallows the KGB's dog whole. Shocked, one of the KGB bystanders groaned, "We had our best breeders and scientists perfecting that dog for the last six years. It is not possible that there existed a more perfect fighting dog." His CIA counterpart snickered for a moment, then responded, "I know. That's why we had our best plastic surgeons spend the last six years figuring out how to make a crocodile look like a dachshund." swl Report 6points POST #59 Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

For drizzle. reddit.com Report 6points POST #60 Picture England, it's the early evening on a regular muggy day, a light drizzle splashes on the street. A drunkard leans on the gate in front of his house, looking across the street at a dashing young man talking to ladies as they stroll by his home. Sometimes the young man takes the lady upstairs and comes back down smiling with her, other times she becomes offended, he says something else and she smiles and nods understandingly. Eventually the drunkard gets curious and crosses the street to ask him what's going on. "'Hello sir, now wots going on right here?" he asks. The young man smiles and says "Yes, I saw you watching. Well, whenever a lovely young bird comes by, I say to her, 'tickle your butt with a feather?' If she agrees we go upstairs and have some fun. Now if she is offended, I say to her, 'Typical nasty weather.' She assumes she has misheard and goes about her business." Thinking this is brilliant the drunkard goes home to try it out. A voluptuous woman comes by and he leans in and says to her, "Oi, can I stick a feather up yer butt?" Startled she cries, "What!?" He smiles and says, "Freaking rain!" hbeck13 Report 6points POST #61 "Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" and I pushed him over." Hamster_Huey Report 6points POST #62 "Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and you just don't know enough about baseball to finish the metaphor..." skoo Report 6points POST #63 A Burglar breaks into a home at night, it's completely dark, and as he walks down the hall he hear's "Jesus is watching." Stiffening, he remains completely still, and when he hears nothing more, he once again begins sneaking down the hall. After a few steps he again hears, "Jesus is watching," this time he's had enough and snaps on his flashlight. Upon shining it around the room, all he sees is a parrot. Relieved, he walks up to the parrot and says, "What's your name little bird?" The parrot replies, "Moses." "Moses?" says the burglar, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" To which the parrot replies, "The same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus." Ulairi Report 6points POST #64 A horse walks into a bar and the bartender shouts: "Hey, hey you, why the long face?" and the horse says: "I have leukemia." winterchil Report 6points POST Libstak Libstak Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago How is this funny? 2 2points reply View More Replies... View more comments #65 An old man is sitting at a bus stop when a young punk comes up and waits near him, you know the type - leather jacket, spikes, piercings, and to top it off a multicolored triple mohawk. The old man stares at the kid for a while until the kid finally gets uncomfortable and says "What's your problem old man, why are you staring at me, haven't you ever done something crazy before?" The old man replies quickly, "Well, when I was younger I got drunk and make love with a peacock... was just wondering if you were my son." sophic Report 6points POST #66 How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they've invented torches. EH1987 Report 6points POST #67 After finishing cake and ice cream, Obi Wan hands Luke his first birthday gift. Just before he can open it, Vader shouts "It's a Millenium Falcon action figure!" Obi Wan throws a disapproving look at Vader. Luke tears off the wrapping paper to find a Millenium Falcon action figure. He looks to Vader and asks "How did you know?" The sith lord takes two long Vader breaths before replying, "...I felt your presents." fatloui Report 6points POST #68 This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself." "What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated. "Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?" "Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!" Wiebelhaus Report 6points POST #69 What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from jail?

A small medium at large. BigNav Report 6points POST le_smol_froge le_smol_froge Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 day ago Why do I love this so much 0 0points reply #70 Guy walks into his house with a duck under his arm. His wife's standing there.

He says "This is the pig I've been fucking."

His wife says "That's a duck."

Husband says "I wasn't talking to you." adscott1982 Report 5points POST #71 A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her. "Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?" Without skipping a beat she screams "Yes!" The man then asks "What about for $20?" She looks at him sideways and says "What do you think I am, a whore?" The man says "We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating." reddit.com Report 5points POST Vix Spiderthrust Vix Spiderthrust Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago George Bernard Shaw. 0 0points reply View more comments #72 What do you call a nun on a bike?

Virgin Mobile! chrissycapstick Report 5points POST #73 A termite walks into a bar, taps on the counter and says "Hey, where's the bartender?" thiefx Report 5points POST #74 An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, "What is it?" "Well," says his agent, "It’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "You’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening." The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, Hark, I hear the cannons roar, Hark, I hear the cannons roar." He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!" So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m Hark I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re Hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on." He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m Hark, I hear the cannons roar." "You’re Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up." He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FREAK WAS THAT?" Thornsten Report 5points POST #75 The FBI, CIA, and LAPD are having a contest to see who the best agency is. their plan is to release a white rabbit into the forest and whoever catches it the fastest is declared the winner. The CIA goes in 1st and is in the forest for 2 weeks and when they come out they dont have the rabbit, they say the rabbit doesnt exist. The FBI go in next, they are in there for 3 days and they burn half the forest down in the process and when they come out without the rabbit they say "The rabbit is dead and he deserved it." So the LAPD are last up and they are in the forest for 3 hours but they come back dragging a brown bear all beat up and bloodied screaming "All right, all right I'm rabbit, I'm rabbit!" chknh8r Report 5points POST #76 What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

What's grey? A melted penguin.

What's green and fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table. winterchil Report 5points POST #77 What did 50 Cent say when his grandma gave him a sweater?

"Gee, you knit?!" freakball Report 5points POST Tinykame Tinykame Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 days ago I don't get it 1 1point reply #78 There were three men out sailing, a Japanese, a Hawaiian and a Portuguese. They get shipwrecked on this uncharted island. Shortly after climbing onto the beach they are surrounded by hostile cannibals. The chief conveys to them that the cannibals intend to kill them and eat them. Then they will use their skin to make a canoe. But each man will be able to choose how he dies. The chief will give them that dignity. The Japanese man goes first. He exclaims "Give me a sword!" They find a sword and the Japanese man has them chop his head off as he writes a haiku in the sand. The cannibals strip his flesh to cook and take his skin to use for a canoe. The Hawaiian volunteers to go next. He asks the chief to use a coconut and bash his head in. The cannibals comply and bash him in the head with a coconut until he dies. They strip his flesh and take his skin for a canoe. Now only the Portuguese man remains. He tells the chief "Give me a fork." The cannibals are confused and tell him that he must choose a method of death. He still insists "Give me a fork!". Finally the chief gives in and lets the man have a fork. The portuguese man starts repeatedly stabbing himself all over yelling "Here's to your canoe!" Kryptus Report 5points POST #79 When the titanic sank, each lifeboat could hold 50 people. On one lifeboat, there were 53. The survivors do a headcount and figure out 3 people needs to sacrifice themselves so everyone else can live. First, a British guy stands up, makes a passionate speech, and jumps off. Next, a French guy stands up, kisses his wife passionately, and without a word jumps off. Watching this, the American can't sit still. He swaggers up, rushes to the other side of the boat. And throws the little Mexican guy over. babyreborn Report 5points POST #80 Two muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Boy, it sure is hot in here." The other screams "EEEK! A talking muffin!" zaq1 Report 5points POST #81 A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." Grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?" marviemundullo Report 5points POST #82 A jewish boy goes to his father and asks to borrow 5 dollars. His father replies, "4 dollars?! What in the hell do you need 3 dollars for?! Here's 2, split it with your brother." euoberts Report 5points POST Ethel M Ethel M Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 days ago Would you think this was funny if it was a 10 year old kid instead of a Jewish boy?? 0 0points reply #83 Mickey Mouse is in the process of divorcing Minnie Mouse. As they sit in the courtroom, the judge says to Mickey, "Mr. Mouse, you claim the reason for your divorce is primarily based on the fact that your wife is crazy?" Mickey responds, "No, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was Goofy!" Legendary_Linux Report 5points POST CelticElff CelticElff Community Member • points posts comments upvotes 3 days ago I feel like this is missing a word, as in, "...the reason for your divorce is primarily based on the fact that your wife is f**king crazy?" - "No, I said she was f**king Goofy!" 8 8points reply View More Replies... View more comments #84 "I've got a great knock-knock joke, but you have to start it."

"OK. Knock-knock."

"Who's there?"

"... ..." propagationofsound Report 5points POST #85 A guy runs into a bar and says, "I need nine shots of tequila! Hurry!" The bartender hops to, pouring out nine shots of tequila. The guy downs them all, one after the other. The bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that!" The guy says, "You'd drink like that if you had what I have." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "Twenty-five cents." dirtside Report 5points POST #86 2 old men were walking down the street when they see a dog licking his own butt. One old man looks at the other and says "Damn, I wish that I could do that!" The other old man looks back and says "That dog would bite you!" davie6 Report 5points POST #87 Superman is flying around one day and he’s feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn’t do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he’s swinging and asks him who the best piece is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she’ll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and in 4 seconds he’s back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says “What was that?” Invisible Man says: “I don’t know but my butt hurts!” pushingforward Report 5points POST See Also on Bored Panda Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics) 50 ‘Weird Facts’ About The World That Might Give You A Fresh Perspective #88 A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are put in a room together. Their girlfriends are then placed 6 feet away from them and they are told they can cross half the distance with each step. The mathematician exclaims "It will never happen!". The physicist replies "Well it will, but it would take you infinitely long". The engineer just smirks and says "Well in a couple minutes I'll be within 6 inches of her, and that's close enough for all practical purposes." vaikak Report 5points POST #89 René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Would you like a drink?" Descartes answers, "I think not" and disappears. youright Report 5points POST Ross Warren Ross Warren Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 days ago "I think: therefore I am". 0 0points reply #90 A man walks into a bar with a monkey in tow. The man sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him a beer and watches the man's monkey run around along the bar. The monkey grabs a peanut and swallows it whole, then grabs a slice a lime and swallows that whole. Finally, the monkey jumps onto a pool table, grabs the cue ball and manages to shove it in his mouth then swallow it whole as well. The bartender asks the man, "You see what your monkey's done?" The man looks up from his beer and says, "No... what's he done now?" The bartender tells the man and the man apologizes, pays for the damage done and leaves with his monkey. The bartender doesn't see the man at the bar for a month, but the man does return with the same monkey in tow. The man asks for a beer, and the bartender obliges. The monkey proceeds to jump up on the bar, grabs a cherry, shoves it up his butt then takes it out and swallows it whole. The bartender says to the man, "You see what your monkey's done?!" The man looks up from his beer and says, "No... what's he done now?" The bartender tells him and the man replies, "Yeah, he does that now... after the cue ball he checks to make sure he can get it out before he swallows it." reylor Report 5points POST #91 Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!" sicpshader Report 5points POST #92 Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?" The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime." The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up." The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels." The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry! GhstTracker Report 5points POST #93 What do you call a short/small Mexican?

A paragraph cuz he's too short to be a real Essay. ProffesorBongsworth Report 5points POST #94 Jesus walk into an Inn, puts a few nails on the counter and asks 'Can you put me up for the night?' vornan19 Report 5points POST Paul Pallansch Paul Pallansch Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 2 days ago That one made me cross. 1 1point reply View More Replies... View more comments #95 Why does a Scotsman wear a kilt?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away. reddit.com Report 5points POST #96 Two vicars pass by each other on their bikes every Sunday headed for their sermons. One Sunday, the first vicar sees the other one without his bike. "Where is your bike?" asks the first vicar. "I fear one of the members of my congregation may have stolen it and I don't know what to do." replies the second. "I'll tell you what to do" offers the first vicar. "Give your sermon on the Ten Commandments and, when you get to 'Thou shalt not steal', look around your flock and you'll find your thief." "That sounds like a plan." Concludes the second. The two vicars part ways and next Sunday, the two vicars meet again, both with their bikes. "I see you have your bike back." Says the first vicar. "Did you take my advice?" he asks. "I certainly did." Informs the second. "Did you find your thief when you got to 'Thou shalt not steal'?" asks the first. "I didn't make it that far." Says the second vicar. "I made it to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' and I remembered where I left my bike." Grave_Rose Report 5points POST #97 Want to hear the joke about the broken pencil?

Nevermind, it's pointless. reddit.com Report 5points POST See Also on Bored Panda Overworked Employee Quits Because He Wasn't Getting A Fair Wage, Costs The Company $40 Million 40 Embarrassing Moments People Didn't Know Who They Were Talking To And Made A Fool Of Themselves #98 Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one of them was a salted. kabukistar Report 5points POST #99 What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, the other's a pause at the end of a clause. g1nko Report 5points POST #100 3 guys went to an interview for a job at the CIA, the first one was 25 years old, the second was 35 years old, the third guy was 45 years old and they all had to bring their wives. So the first one went in and the CIA agent said as a test of loyalty he had to go into the room his wife was in and shoot her with the CIA agents gun. So he takes the gun and goes and about a minute later he comes back and explains how much he loves her so he leaves. The second one came in and was asked to do the same thing. So he takes the gun and about 15 minutes later comes back and explains how she is the mother of his children and he can't do it. Then the last guy comes in and was asked to do the same thing, so he goes and a few seconds later the CIA agent hears a BANG!! And after that he hears windows breaking and a whole bunch of racket. So he goes to the room and kicks the door down and there is the man standing there with his dead wife at his feet and the CIA agent yells "What have you done?" The man says, "Some idiot put blanks in the gun so i had to beat her to death with the chair!" compugraphx Report 5points POST #101 What did the verb say to the noun?

"I'd ask you to conjugate, but I'm afraid you'd decline." Willis13579 Report 5points POST le_smol_froge le_smol_froge Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 day ago As a Latin student, this one is painful 0 0points reply #102 A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first boy came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?'' "No," the farmer said. The second boy came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?'' "No." The third boy came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.'' The farmer shot Chuck. bagofdouche Report 5points POST le_smol_froge le_smol_froge Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 day ago Hmm yes 0 0points reply #103 A Scientist, a Businessman, a Preacher and a boyscout are on a plane. The plane begins to go down and the pilots take two of the five parachutes. The Buisnessman jumps out of his seat, grabs a parachute and screams, "I manage the world's economy, the world needs me" before bailing out of the plane. The Scientist then jumps up, shouting, "I'm the smartest man in the world, the world needs me" before bailing out of the plane. The preacher turns to the boyscout saying, "I've lived a long and fruitful life son, I want you to take the last parachute." Smiling, the boyscout says, "That's ok, the smartest man in the world just took my boyscout backpack." Ulairi Report 5points POST #104 How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but it has to really WANT to change. ParadoxicalPenguin Report 5points POST #105 A guy walks into a bar with his pet giraffe and they start having a few drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool table and the man decides its time to go home. As the man is leaving, hes apporached by the bartender who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?" "Hmph," says the man, "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe." reno1051 Report 5points POST #106 An octopus walks into a bar and see's a band playing in the corner. He walks up and says "I'm the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like." So the English guy goes "Alright then. Play this" and hands him a guitar. The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar. The Irishman says "Okay, how about this?" and shows him to the piano. The octopus sits down and plays it like never before - Better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever. Finally, a Scotsman says "Alright, let's see ya play this then" and hands him a set of bagpipes. The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them. Couple more minutes and he's still struggling and there's no sound coming out. Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says "Oh, so can you not play it then?" And the octopus says "Play it? I'm gonna fuck her when I get her pyjamas off." melaquiades Report 4points POST #107 Phone rings.

"Herp-a-derp police department, can I help you?"

"Hello? Well, I just hit a pig with my car, what should I do?"

"Just shove it in the ditch, sir."

"Okay, and what do I do with the motorcycle??? Do you guys want it back?" jeannaimard Report 4points POST See Also on Bored Panda 30 Of The Most Hectic Homes As Shared On 'The Broke Agent' Instagram Account Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out #108 The day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Smith a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr. Smith, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr Smith asked for the bad news first. "We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "We found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning." "Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Smith. "What's the good news?" "When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "She had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her." "What?" a confused Mr Smith exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?" The officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow." monkeytorture Report 4points POST #109 Alright, so these two whales walk into a bar. The first whale says to the bartender: "OOOOOOOOaaaaaaaaaaaaaaOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." The second whale says, "Shut up, Fred. You're drunk." reddit.com Report 4points POST #110 A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference between hypothetically and realistically. He asked his dad for help. "Go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mailman for $1,000,000," his Dad said. He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes". "Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question." He did and came back and said, "She said yes too". So dad said, "Hypothetically we're millionaires, realistically we're living with two whores." monkeytorture Report 4points POST #111 An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have one half of a beer." The third says, "I'll have one fourth of a beer." The bartender pulls out two bottles and says, "Go away you guys." BradC Report 4points POST #112 Why was Heisenberg's wife unsatisfied?

Because when he had the time he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position he didn't have the momentum. LowLevelRebel Report 4points POST #113 An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black." "No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are black." The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears to be black from here." Ikasatu Report 4points POST #114 Two nuns are in a bathtub. One says "Where's the soap?", to which the other replies "Yup." frewitsofthedeveel Report 4points POST le_smol_froge le_smol_froge Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 day ago I don’t get it 1 1point reply #115 Three fathers are waiting in the hallway of a maternity ward as their wives are in their respective rooms, in labor. After a few minutes, a nurse comes out of one room and turns to the first man and says "Congratulations! Your wife gave birth to lovely, healthy twins!" The man is overjoyed and laughs and says "What a coincidence! My wife and work in the twin city." A minute or two later another nurse comes out, turns to the second man and says "Congratulations! Your wife just gave birth to lovely, healthy triplets!" The man is shocked, but pleased and laughs and says, "That's funny! I work for AAA!" The third man looks terribly pale, stands up, starts to walk towards the door and faints. Doctors run over to him. He comes to and they ask what's wrong, and he says "Dear God! I work for 7-up!!" guavainindia Report 4points POST #116 A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender brings the beer and the neutron goes to pay him, but the bartender stops him and says, "For you? No charge." tyrannosaurus_sex Report 4points POST #117 A rabbi retires from his long career which involved performing circumcisions. Throughout his career he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir. He takes his specimens to a leathersmith and asks him to make something out of them. A week later the rabbi returns and the leathersmith presents him with a wallet. "All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?" exclaims the rabbi. The leathersmith replies, "Yes, but if you stroke it real nice, it becomes a briefcase." opuswater Report 4points POST See Also on Bored Panda I Used AI To See What These 23 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life 30 Y.O. Woman Takes DNA Test For Fun Only To Discover Her Long-Term Boyfriend Is Her Full Sibling #118 A superconductor enters a bar, the bartender says "Superconductors aren't welcome here". The superconductor leaves without any resistance. Sallix Report 4points POST #119 So this old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn. He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his mouth as fast a possible. The man walks up to the boy and says "You know son, its really not healthy to eat all that candy." The kid looks up at him and says, "You know my grandfather lived to be 97 years old." The man replies "Oh and did he eat a lot of candy?" The kid looks at him and says "No, but he minded his own fucking business." dudleymooresbooze Report 4points POST #120 An Irishman walks out of a bar. aenigma42 Report 4points POST #121 A bear walks into a bar and orders "A pint of....... lager please", the bar man replies "Why the big pause?" queBurro Report 4points POST #122 A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue." Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange." The second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK. Then I DEFINITELY pooped my pants." huck08 Report 4points POST #123 What did the egg say to the boiling water?

"It's gonna take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by this chick." talkingwires Report 4points POST #124 A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight... let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow!…that’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed. “Good,” she replied…. “So get your own blanket.”

After a moment of silence… he farted. ToDropOutOrNot Report 4points POST #125 A penguin was driving along through the desert when his car broke down. He got it towed to a garage. The mechanic told him that there is a couple of people ahead of him and it might take some time. So the penguin goes across the street to a corner store and gets himself a vanilla ice cream cone. He eats it outside, but it's hot, and all he has are those little flippers. He ends up getting vanilla ice cream all over his face, chest, and even on his feet. He waddles back to the garage, wishing he had hands or, failing that, napkins. The mechanic sees him coming and walks over. "Looks like you blew a seal," he said. "No, no! It's just ice cream!" whowantstoknow Report 4points POST #126 Old Paddy is at the bar and he's in one of his drink until everything is forgotten stages. The bartender continually tells him he's had enough and to go home. Finally after several last calls, Paddy declares "I'm going home", promptly falls off his high bar stool and drags himself to the door. He hails a cab while face down on the curb, manages to open the door and drag himself from his sprawled position into the backseat. The cabby drives him home with Paddy singing nonsensical music to himself the whole way. Paddy rolls out of the cab manages to drunkenly flop his way across the lawn, gets the front door half open and passes out. The next day because the bartender is also a good friend he checks on Paddy, and seeing him lying on his back in the doorway says, "Paddy, you were drunk last night weren't you?" Paddy replies, "Yes, but I didn't think I was that drunk, how did you know?" To which the bartender replies, "You left your wheelchair at the bar". reddingAtHome Report 4points POST #127 What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre. Konceptz Report 4points POST le_smol_froge le_smol_froge Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 day ago Wow 0 0points reply See Also on Bored Panda "I Just Said Thank You And Left": Man’s Nice Gesture Is Praised After Pizza Hut Driver Got A $20 Tip On A $938 Order Woman Flabbergasted At Thrift Store's Prices, Calls Them Out By Sharing 14 Examples #128 What's pink and slippery?

A slipper. hotdogcolors Report 4points POST #129 What does Snoop Dogg use to clean his laundry?

Bleotch! Demaroth Report 4points POST #130 A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I've got a tapeworm up my bunghole." The doctor says, "No problem. Come back tomorrow with two apples and a cookie and I'll take care of it." The man complies, so the doctor puts on his gloves and asks the man to take down his trousers. The doctor then inserts the two apples and the cookie into the man's rectum, then asks him to do the same again the next day. The man winces in pain, but again complies the next day, and the doctor again puts two apples and a cookie into the man's butt. This goes on for a week. "Doc, how long do we have to do this?!" The doctor replies, "Don't worry. Tomorrow come back with two apples and a hammer." The next day the man returns with two apples and a hammer. The doctor inserts the two apples in the man's rectum, picks up the hammer, and waits. A few minutes later a tapeworm sticks his head out of the guy's butt and says, "Where the hell is my cookie?" reddit.com Report 4points POST #131 So a German guy named Hans, a Polack named Paul and a Russian named Boris go to hell. Satan was bored, so he said he has a special opportunity for them, if they pass one challenge they will go back to earth. The first step of the challenge is to go to earth and come back to hell with a vehicle which was made in their country. The Polish guy comes back first, driving a old fiat. Satan says: "Now your challenge is to completely destroy this car without using any tools." The polish guy kicks is it a few times, bangs on the roof, and the car is completely in ruins, he is set free. Shortly there after, Hans pulls up in a brand new 750 BMW. He is presented with the same challenge so he keeps kicking and banging the BMW until his arms and legs are too bruised to continue and the BMW is barely damaged. At this, he starts laughing maniacally. Satan and Polish guy look at him confused and Satan says: "Why are you laughing?" The German guy responds: "Turn around, Boris is pulling up in a tank!" lenniu Report 4points POST #132 A blonde is sick of all the blonde jokes, so she gets her hair dyed black. On the way back home she passes a farm where a big crowd has gathered. The farmer is having a competition to guess how many sheep are on his farm, winner gets a free sheep. She enters her guess, and comes closest to the actual number. Farmer congratulates her, a deal is a deal, and shows her where the sheep are kept. Fifteen minutes later she comes back out with her choice, but the farmer runs after her and stops her. "If I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?" babyreborn Report 4points POST #133 Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more. The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.” Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and the other in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.” The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way… ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me… I’ve quit drinking!” kneehee Report 4points POST #134 Mary Mcready was at home boiling potatoes for dinner, and one of her neighbors came up to the window. "Mary," he said, "I've got horrible news about your husband Seamus. He's dead." "Oh lord, my Seamus, how did it happen?" said Mary. "Well," the neighbor said, "We went on a tour of the Guinness brewery, and Seamus fell into one of the vats and drowned." "Did he at least go quickly?" asked Mary, looking for some degree of solace. "I'm afraid not, Mary. He got out three times to pee". aphasic Report 4points POST #135 How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero. VoxPrinceps17 Report 4points POST CelticElff CelticElff Community Member • points posts comments upvotes 3 days ago (edited) . -1 -1point reply #136 A jewish boy goes to his father and asks to borrow fifty bucks, his father replies, "Forty bucks?!?! What do you need thirty bucks for?" James1991 Report 4points POST CelticElff CelticElff Community Member • points posts comments upvotes 3 days ago repeated joke 0 0points reply #137 "My wife had the star sign of Cancer. Which makes it kinda ironic how she died. Yep, killed by a massive crab." propagationofsound Report 4points POST See Also on Bored Panda 50 Parents Having A Pretty Miserable Day Photoshop Troll Who Takes Photo Requests Too Literally Strikes Again, And The Result Is Hilarious (17 Pics) #138 Guy walks into a bar and says, "Quick, give me three martinis!" The bartender gives him the drinks and the guy quickly gulps them down. He says, "Give me three more!" The bartender pours the martinis and says, "What's the occasion?" The guy slams the next three drinks and says, "My first blo****." The bartender says, "Well, in that case, I'll treat you to the next round. Want another martini?" Guy says, "No thanks, if six martinis won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will." AMcNair Report 4points POST #139 What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red Paint. Konceptz Report 4points POST #140 A man walks into bar and sees that there is a tiny gnome playing the piano on the counter. He asks the bartender about it. "Well", says the bartender as he points to a shiny metal object next to the gnome, "I got it thanks to this magic lamp". The man excitedly rubs the lamp himself and out pops a genie. "I will grant you a wish and one wish only." says the genie. The man, beside himself with excitement, asks for a million bucks. The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the bar is infested with a swarm of little ducks. "What the hell!?" angrily shouts the man. "This genie must be deaf. I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks instead." "Yeah, I know" said the bartender. "Did you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" reddit.com Report 4points POST #141 I was at a wedding, and I was a last minute invite so I got stuck at the weird people table. I'm next to some 95 year old lady in a wheelchair, and she leans over to me and says, "Wanna see my tattoo?" I say, "Sure, why not?" The lady grabs the waistband on her pants and slides it down slightly, off of her bony hip. Somehow without wretching, I peer down and say, "I don't see it," because I don't. She goes, "Oh, okay," and slides her waistband a little lower. "See, it's a little mousey right there on my hip?" she says, and I go, foolishly, "Still don't see it, ma'am." The lady snaps her waistband up and says, "Oh, I guess my cat ate it," and then knocks back a glass of champagne. noctrnalsymphony Report 4points POST Vix Spiderthrust Vix Spiderthrust Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago I assume this is meant to be "I guess my pusssy ate it" 2 2points reply #142 A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table. craven005 Report 4points POST #143 Two bears, one black, one white, are on an island. They both jump into the water. Which one dissolves?

The white one, because it's polar. super_ag Report 4points POST #144 Why can't jesus eat M&Ms?

Because they fall through the holes in his hands. reddit.com Report 4points POST #145 Ok so a punk walks into a bar and sits down. The guy next to him asks the punk if he would like a beer. Of course the punk wants a beer so the guy buys him a beer and the punk slams it. The guy buys him another beer, punk slams it. This goes on for about 5 more drinks and the guy buying the beers says, "You know I've bought you all these beers why don't we go into the bathroom and you give me a something?" The punk goes "Dam". Grabs the guy by the collar swings the guy up and down the bar knocking everything off and eventually tosses him out on to the street. When he sits down at the bar again the bar tender asks "You know what'd that guy say that made you so angry man. The punk replies, "I don't know something about taking a bath and getting a job." Beerdedone6675 Report 4points POST Vix Spiderthrust Vix Spiderthrust Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago Censorship has ruined this joke as well. 1 1point reply #146 So a guy goes to the doctors because he's not feeling too hot. The doctor gives him some pills and instructs him to take it twice daily, not orally but anally and administers the first dose for the man. The man gets home and attempts sticking a pill up his butt by himself but he just can't seem to do it. Anyone who has attempted this feat on their own knows the difficulty this poor poor man was experiencing. After 30 minutes of struggling he decides to concede defeat and decides to call his wife for help. His wife waddles over and agrees to help. She tells her husband to lean over slightly, puts one hand on his shoulder and gently pushes the pill up his butt. All of a sudden the husband starts screaming at the top of his lungs. The wife who was quite startled asks "Honey, what's wrong? Did I hurt you?" To which the man responds "No but I just realized when the doctor did it he had both hands on my shoulders." un_leche Report 4points POST le_smol_froge le_smol_froge Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 day ago OH NO 0 0points reply #147 A man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a Johnnie Walker Black and the bartender says "That'll be three cents." The man replies "Only 3 cents?! Amazing! Well then how much for a filet mignon and a baked potato?" The bartender tells him "10 cents." "10 cents?! And a piece of chocolate cake for dessert?" "2 cents." says the barkeep. Astonished, the man asks "Say, where's your boss? Does he know about all this?" And the bartender says "He's upstairs with my wife." "What's he doing with your wife?" "Same thing I'm doing to his business." reddit.com Report 4points POST See Also on Bored Panda 50 People Who Are Having A Terrible Day At Work 30 Mistakes Made By Designers And Architects Who Didn’t Think Of The Person Who’d Be Using Their Designs #148 English Professor: "In English you can have a double-negative. This becomes a positive, but one can never have a double-positive become a negative."

Kid in the back: "Yeah, right." PapaAlphaTango Report 4points POST #149 Chicken walks into a library, goes up to the librarian and says, "Bokkk Bokkk." The librarian looks at the chicken for a few seconds then hands it a book. The chicken grabs the book and leaves. The next day the chicken returns, "Bokkk.... Bookkk bokkk." The librarian hands the chicken another book and watches him grab the book and leave. This goes on for two weeks until finally the Librarian gets curious and follows the chicken. He walks for hours until finally the chicken walks up to a frog and says, "Bookkk bokkkk." VeniVidiUpVoti Report 4points POST Vix Spiderthrust Vix Spiderthrust Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago Missing punchline: the frog says "reddit, reddit" 1 1point reply View more comments #150 Romeo&Juliet.docx is a play on word. Choo41 Report 4points POST #151 There is an Islander guy standing outside his house, just chilling out. A rubbish truck driver is driving down the street and he yells out to the Islander, "Hey bro, where's your bin?" The Islander, a little fresh, replies "I's bin in Australia bro." The rubbish truck driver shakes his head and says "No, no no, where's your wheelie bin?" The Islander guy looks a little sheepish and replies "Awww. I's wheelie bin in jail, I just tell people I's bin in Australia." noface Report 4points POST #152 Have you heard about the new male birth control pill?

You take it the morning after and it changes your blood type. novenator Report 4points POST #153 So Helium walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here. Helium doesn't react." themostrad Report 3points POST Vix Spiderthrust Vix Spiderthrust Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago The second quote mark should be after the full stop. 1 1point reply #154 An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a young boy walking down the street dragging something behind him. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you got there?" to which the boy replies, "It's duct tape, I'm gonna go catch me some ducks." The old man laughs and he calls out, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The little boy laughs and continues on his way, returning a few short hours later, and behind him, he is dragging 8 ducks, all wrapped up in the duct tape. The old man can't believe his eyes. The next day, the old man is sitting on his porch again and along comes the little boy dragging something behind him. When the old man asks what he's got this time, the boy replies, "It's a spool of chicken wire, I'm going to catch some chickens in it." Well the old man begins to laugh quite hard, telling the boy, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." The boy laughs himself, and says back, "That's what you said about the duct tape," and he continues on his way, with the old man laughing like crazy. A few hours later the old man is surprised to see the boy coming back, and even more shocked to see that behind him he is dragging 10 chickens, all tangled up in the chicken wire, he can't believe his eyes again. The next day, the old man is sitting there wondering what the little boy will be up to next, and sure enough he sees him coming down the street with something in his hand. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you go there today?" The boy responds, "It's a cats willow." The man then replies, "Hang on son, I'll get my hat!" project_valient Report 3points POST Vix Spiderthrust Vix Spiderthrust Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago A pussywillow. You've ruined half these jokes with your overzealous editing 2 2points reply View More Replies... View more comments #155 A baby seal walks into a club. jesterwoods Report 3points POST le_smol_froge le_smol_froge Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 day ago NOOOOOOO -1 -1point reply #156 Little johnny is riding his bike when a mounted police officer stops him. The police officer tells him : "Hey, that's a nice bike. Did Santa bring that to you?" Little Johnny : "Yeah, he did." Police officer replies "Well next year, tell him to put some reflective panels on it" while handing little johnny a 50 dollar fine. Little Johnny, angry, asks the police officer: "Hey, that's a nice horse. Did Santa bring that to you?" Amused, the police officer replies that Santa did indeed bring him that horse, to which little Johnny replies: "Well next year, tell Santa to put the organ underneath the horse." KoalaBomb Report 3points POST le_smol_froge le_smol_froge Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 1 day ago Organ? 0 0points reply #157 Double punchline? OH DARN. 35nnnn Report 3points POST #158 How many ADD sufferers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"Wanna go ride bikes?" ignignokt Report 3points POST CelticElff CelticElff Community Member • points posts comments upvotes 3 days ago Squirrel! 1 1point reply #159 The mechanic laughs and then tells the penguin that the repair is complete and it's gonna cost him $500 dollars. Taken aside by the absurd price, the penguin grumbles and mumbles some obscenities to which the mechanic replies, "Come again?" reddittttttttttt Report 3points POST #160 "Knock Knock."

"Who's there?"

"9/11."

"9/11 who?"

"YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!!!!" DisregardMyComment Report 3points POST #161 What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they were both stuck up. hoochi Report 3points POST #162 What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball. deflorist Report 3points POST #163 What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero, the other is a simple command. wtfil Report 3points POST #164 What do a walrus and tupperware have in common?

They both enjoy a tight seal. beerbaronstatic Report 3points POST #165 A nun is walking back from church in the dark, when suddenly a man attacks and rapes her. Afterwards, she cries, saying "How am I ever going to tell the priest I was raped twice??" The attacker says "...Twice?" "Well," the nun says, "You're going to do it again, aren't you?" cabothief Report 0points POST Headless Roach Headless Roach Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago I'd downvote this to oblivion if I could 1 1point reply View More Replies... View more comments #166 Three pregnant women are waiting in the doctor's office waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for there babies. Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one... "What was that?", the other two ask, curiously. "Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby", she replies, patting her stomach affectionately. Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting... 5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.. "What was that?", the other two enquire. "Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby" and she pats her stomach affectionately. All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting... 5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.. "What was that?" ask the other two. "Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves..." MattJ016 Report 0points POST #167 A teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'cigarette' in a sentence?" Amy stands up and says "Cigarettes are bad for you!" "Well done Amy!" says the teacher. Billy stands up and says "I stole my fathers cigarettes and he gave me a hiding!" "Ahhh... good work there Billy." Says the teacher "Who's next?" Filipo stands up and says "Last night my uncle came into my room, climbed under my blankets with me and touched me. He told me to keep it a cigarette eh!" Sensei_Aspire Report 0points POST #168 "Who here wants to play a game of rape?"

"No?"

"That's the spirit!" TheCLITcommander Report 0points POST #169 "I went to a restaurant the other day and I noticed that my waitress had a black eye. I made sure I spoke loud and clear when ordering my food because she obviously had trouble listening." GiantCrazyOctopus Report 0points POST #170 What's better than winning the para-olympics?

Having legs. basstacular Report -1point POST #171 What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gangrape. reddit.com Report -1point POST Anyone can write on Bored Panda. Start writing! Follow Bored Panda on Google News! Follow us on Flipboard.com/@boredpanda! Add Your Answer! Not your original work? Add source Publish Change image Upload Photo Ooops! Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. Upload Upload Edit Image Error occurred when generating embed. Please check link and try again. Render conversation
Use html version
Generate not embedded version

Add watermark Show Image Only
Hide Caption
Crop
Add watermark Add watermark Source
Title Update Eligijus Sinkunas Eligijus Sinkunas Author, BoredPanda staff Eligijus is a SEO listicles curator. Eligijus is trying to give his time to make best content for readers. Also Eligijus likes to play sports like karate and play guitar. Read more » Marisha Kazaryan Marisha Kazaryan Writer, BoredPanda staff I knew I wanted to be a storyteller ever since I learned to read and write. Fulfilled this dream when I became a content creator and a filmmaker. Also got a degree in English language and literature because grammar is important!

Good coffee and good music make everything better. When I’m not telling stories, you’ll find me studying foreign languages (currently, Korean), fangirling over my guinea pig Pepperboy, watching TV shows, and learning to play the drums. Read more » Show All Contributors Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! Download Bored Panda app! You May Like It’s Time For The Best Parenting Tweets Of The Month, And Here Are 35 That Might Crack You Up Ieva Pečiulytė 100 Country Jokes To Kindle Your Wanderlust Saimonas Lukošius 50 Times People Saw Hilarious Puns And Just Had To Share Them On This Dedicated Online Group Austėja Akavickaitė Popular on Bored Panda Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics) 50 ‘Weird Facts’ About The World That Might Give You A Fresh Perspective Overworked Employee Quits Because He Wasn't Getting A Fair Wage, Costs The Company $40 Million 40 Embarrassing Moments People Didn't Know Who They Were Talking To And Made A Fool Of Themselves 30 Of The Most Hectic Homes As Shared On 'The Broke Agent' Instagram Account Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out European Is Shocked To Learn How American Suburbs Work, Goes Online To Ask Some Accurate Questions "Never Come Back To My Restaurant": Chef Bans Rude Restaurant Patrons And Gives $1,350 Bill To 22 Y.O. Employee They Disrespected I Used AI To See What These 30 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life, And Here's The Result (New Pics) Leave a comment POST DennyS (denzoren) DennyS (denzoren) Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago Two giraffes walk into a bar, one falls asleep, bartender asks "hey, who's that lyin' over there?", giraffe turns to him and says "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe". This is my all time favorite joke and also "knock knock" "come in". 2 2points reply RH-8514 RH-8514 Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago (edited) Three guys walk in to a skyscraper, you'd think one of them would have seen it. 1 1point reply POST DennyS (denzoren) DennyS (denzoren) Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago Two giraffes walk into a bar, one falls asleep, bartender asks "hey, who's that lyin' over there?", giraffe turns to him and says "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe". This is my all time favorite joke and also "knock knock" "come in". 2 2points reply RH-8514 RH-8514 Community Member • points posts comments upvotes FollowUnfollow 3 days ago (edited) Three guys walk in to a skyscraper, you'd think one of them would have seen it. 1 1point reply Popular on Bored Panda I Used AI To See What These 23 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life 30 Y.O. Woman Takes DNA Test For Fun Only To Discover Her Long-Term Boyfriend Is Her Full Sibling "I Just Said Thank You And Left": Man’s Nice Gesture Is Praised After Pizza Hut Driver Got A $20 Tip On A $938 Order Woman Flabbergasted At Thrift Store's Prices, Calls Them Out By Sharing 14 Examples 50 Parents Having A Pretty Miserable Day Photoshop Troll Who Takes Photo Requests Too Literally Strikes Again, And The Result Is Hilarious (17 Pics) Popular on Bored Panda Employee Laughs In Boss' Face For Saying It's "Unethical" To Make Plans After Work, Takes The Case To The Director People Are Roasting Airbnb For Getting Completely Out Of Hand, Here Are 30 Of The Most Savage Tweets "Lost In History": 50 Pictures That Shed A New Light On Our Past Management Introduces Disciplinary Rules To Make Most Of Employees, Freaks Out When They Turn The Rules Against Them 32-Year-Old Independent Modern Woman Draws Comics On Her Observations About Society (30 New Pics) Employee Gets Told They're "Replaceable", So They Play Along And It Ruins The Company User Submissions The Best Microscopic Photos From The Nikon Small World Photomicrography Competition 2022 (92 Pics) I Am So Passionate About Creating Mystical Art, Here Are Some Of The Magical Notebooks I Have Made (23 New Pics) 30 Comics About Making It Through Life While Fighting Mental Health Issues By This Artist “I Own An Official Nanosecond”: 35 Rare Items Owned By Our Community I Photographed This Ukrainian Village Because It Is My Solace That Inspires Me (38 pics) By Changing His Lifestyle And Eating Habits At Age 60, Steve Ramsden Has Successfully Lost Over 60 Lbs And Now Has A Body Of A Bodybuilder Almost finished... To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Like what you're reading? Subscribe to our top stories Subscribe Please enter email address Also on Bored Panda I Used AI To See What These 30 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life, And Here's The Result (New Pics) Management Introduces Disciplinary Rules To Make Most Of Employees, Freaks Out When They Turn The Rules Against Them Chefs Are Sharing 30 Common Cooking Mistakes We Need To Avoid European Is Shocked To Learn How American Suburbs Work, Goes Online To Ask Some Accurate Questions "Lost In History": 50 Pictures That Shed A New Light On Our Past 23 Y.O. Son Tells His Parents He’ll Never Speak To Them Again After Finding Out They’re Paying For Sister’s Education Yet Didn’t Pay For His 30 Mistakes Made By Designers And Architects Who Didn’t Think Of The Person Who’d Be Using Their Designs The Best And Worst Transformations Seen During School Reunions, As Shared By These 30 Internet Users Employee Maliciously Complies To Work Only His 8 1/2 Hours, Makes The Company Lose $85k Per Year 50 Times Signs Were So Funny, People Had To Share Them On This Facebook Page 50 People Who Are Having A Terrible Day At Work Dad Overhears A Conversation Between His New Wife And His Son, Cancels The Mother’s Day Celebration He’d Planned “I Felt So Shaken Up”: Woman Leaves Family Trip After Eavesdropping On Husband’s Conversation With Mother-In-Law "An Entitled Mother Insists That I 'Share' My Nintendo Switch With Her Child On My Flight" People Are Roasting Airbnb For Getting Completely Out Of Hand, Here Are 30 Of The Most Savage Tweets "Never Come Back To My Restaurant": Chef Bans Rude Restaurant Patrons And Gives $1,350 Bill To 22 Y.O. Employee They Disrespected 50 Times Teachers Hung The Funniest Signs In Their Classrooms And They Ended Up Being Praised Online 32-Year-Old Independent Modern Woman Draws Comics On Her Observations About Society (30 New Pics) Woman Goes Viral With 7.7M Views When She Shares That Her Date Called Her An Uber To Go Home After He Saw How She Was Dressed 50 Times People Spotted Stupid Design Decisions In Public Places And Just Had To Share Employee Gets Told They're "Replaceable", So They Play Along And It Ruins The Company This Online Group Is Dedicated To Things That Are Inexplicably Satisfying, Here Are 50 Of The Best Ones (New Pics) Woman Buys Ex-Hoarder's Home With All Of Their Belongings, Spends 4 Years Cleaning When Relatives Start Demanding Heirlooms They Didn't Want Employee Laughs In Boss' Face For Saying It's "Unethical" To Make Plans After Work, Takes The Case To The Director Also on Bored Panda 50 Times Signs Were So Funny, People Had To Share Them On This Facebook Page ‘Old Photos In Real Life’: 35 Pics That Show How Much Time Affects Everything (New Pics) The Best And Worst Transformations Seen During School Reunions, As Shared By These 30 Internet Users Woman Buys Ex-Hoarder's Home With All Of Their Belongings, Spends 4 Years Cleaning When Relatives Start Demanding Heirlooms They Didn't Want "An Entitled Mother Insists That I 'Share' My Nintendo Switch With Her Child On My Flight" 30 Informative And Fun Food Charts For Anyone Trying To Eat Smarter Artist Creates Fun Comics With Unpredictable Endings That Poke Fun At Our Society (30 New Pics) 50 Times People Spotted Stupid Design Decisions In Public Places And Just Had To Share Woman On TikTok Calls Out Airbnb Tenant's Entitlement When She Realizes That She Has To Do Chores Despite $125 Cleaning Fee Woman Goes Viral With 7.7M Views When She Shares That Her Date Called Her An Uber To Go Home After He Saw How She Was Dressed Chefs Are Sharing 30 Common Cooking Mistakes We Need To Avoid After 2.5-Week ‘War’ With 3 Cats, Woman Contacts Vitamix Asking For Empty Boxes To Replace The One Her Cats Took Over With New Blender Inside Clueless Director Calls For A Meeting Over Mass Resignation After Company Cancels WFH, Employee Explains It In A Way He Would Understand “I Felt So Shaken Up”: Woman Leaves Family Trip After Eavesdropping On Husband’s Conversation With Mother-In-Law Dad Overhears A Conversation Between His New Wife And His Son, Cancels The Mother’s Day Celebration He’d Planned 23 Y.O. Son Tells His Parents He’ll Never Speak To Them Again After Finding Out They’re Paying For Sister’s Education Yet Didn’t Pay For His 50 Times Teachers Hung The Funniest Signs In Their Classrooms And They Ended Up Being Praised Online Employee Maliciously Complies To Work Only His 8 1/2 Hours, Makes The Company Lose $85k Per Year This Online Group Is Dedicated To Things That Are Inexplicably Satisfying, Here Are 50 Of The Best Ones (New Pics) Someone Asks "What Makes You Not Want To Have Kids?" And 30 People Deliver Sincere Answers "You Are So Beaut-OHGOD!": 40 Hilarious Before-And-After Pictures, As Shared By These Women With A Sense Of Humor (New Pics) 30 People Who Quit Their Jobs With Style (New Pics) 30 Of The Most Spine-Chilling Things Kids Have Ever Said, As Shared In This Viral Twitter Thread “AITA? I Went On Vacation With My Friend And Her Family, They Kicked Me Out So I Got My Own Room And Stayed On” Follow We're also on Instagram and tumblr App Store App Store User Submissions Hey Pandas, How Often Do You Forget Something Important, And What Was The Result? 35replies 21 points Hey Pandas, Share Pics Of Your Halloween Decorations 4comments 22 points This Artist Continues To Create Amazing Logic-Challenging Photo Manipulations (70 New Pics) 5comments 33 points Hey Pandas, What's Something You've Made Yourself? (Closed) 6comments 29 points I Created My Own Dark Tarot Deck Featuring Creepy Creatures And Demons (78 Pics) 16comments 53 points This Artist Reimagines Brazilian States As Video Game Characters (22 Pics) 9comments 30 points Hairstylist Shares 30 Women Who Took The Risk Of Cutting Their Hair Short And Got Awesome Results (New Pics) 75comments 51 points Hey Pandas, What Is The Weirdest Name For A Human You've Ever Heard? (Closed) 80replies 21 points Artist Creates Adorable Images Of Dressed-Up Animals With References To Star Wars, The Hobbit And More (44 Pics) 23comments 61 points "An Amazing World Right Under Your Nose": 24 Pictures Of Nature That I Took With A Macro Lens 7comments 43 points Get the App App Store App Store Google News © 2022 Bored Panda