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The Talk Discussing Future Housing Arrangements With Older Adults

How to have productive conversations on sensitive topics like aging at home

SDI Productions/Getty Images ​As loved ones age it’s a delicate balance to help them and dignity while ensuring that their living spaces are safe and comfortable.​ Sooner rather than later, it’s important to initiate — or several talks — about planning and paying for where relatives will live as their health or financial needs change. Families often avoid these challenging conversations because they can be uncomfortable and emotional, and good intentions can be misconstrued. But if you delay the discussion until a crisis occurs, such as or early signs of , your options may be limited. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine. ​“So many people wait and react, instead of being proactive,” says Ryan McEniff, owner of Minute Women Home Care, a provider of home health aides in Lexington, Massachusetts, and a board member of the National Aging in Place Council. “You don’t need detailed plans, but have a couple of building blocks in place. … Do your homework.”​ Experts who specialize in aging issues agree that having the right approach is key. Part of that is making sure that aging adults understand that any concerns for their well-being stem from your love. ​Try to see the other person’s perspective, and have a collaborative conversation, says Ali Hall, a San Francisco–based consultant with the Motivational Interviewing Network of Trainers. “Having a hidden agenda or manipulating people to do something is not the way to go about it,” she cautions. “Look for solutions together.”​ First, figure out what worries your loved one the most, Hall says. “Usually, people rant about what they don’t want; the flip side is what they want.” Prioritize autonomy and independence and provide limited, pre-vetted options. Always explain why you’re offering a particular option and ask what the person thinks will work for them. Here are some topics for discussion:​

Aging in place​

One of the most important housing questions to ask your family member, Hall says, is, “Do you want to stay here?” The vast majority of older adults want to live in their homes as long as possible — 77 percent of Americans age 50 and older, according to an ​ If aging in place is the priority, discuss how to make the home safer and more comfortable as needs change, which may require making physical changes and accommodations to the residence. AARP’s survey found that more than a third of Americans envision making simple modifications, such as adding an outdoor ramp or , with a quarter planning a major renovation, such as building an addition.​ Entertainment 30% off a 1-year subscription See more Entertainment offers >

Safety at home​

What if your loved one falls or leaves the stove on? If physical security is a concern, experts recommend focusing the conversation on your shared values: safety, health, independence, joy and comfort. Consider getting a professional assessment to evaluate the home’s aging-in-place readiness and to identify potential safety hazards.​ “Say, ‘Because X is important to you, what can we do right away so you’re safer in your home? We can try [these options] out and see how they work,’ ” Hall suggests. It helps to provide published materials, like a pamphlet about hip fractures you can review and discuss together, she adds. ​In addition, investigate community-based services and home care help that make aging in place safer and easier. How your family members respond to a variety of options may tell you something important about what they’re thinking. ​

Moving out of the home​

One of the most difficult discussions may be about moving an older person out of a longtime home filled with cherished memories and items. It’s a place where they feel comfortable, but at some point it may become practical or even necessary to move into a different living space.​ Having discussions early is key for smooth transitions—whether that involves at-home care, assisted living or memory care, McEniff says. Research what’s available, the differences in living arrangements and levels of care, and costs. In-home nonmedical care is approaching $40 an hour, with weekly minimums, but an overwhelming number of people need only a bit of care, he says.​

Moving in with others​

The number of Americans living in has quadrupled since 1971, largely due to caregiving and financial needs, according to a report by the Pew Research Center.​ LEARN MORE ABOUT AARP MEMBERSHIP. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine. benefits, pension, investments, reverse mortgage, long-term care insurance and life insurance.​ Reid and her husband wanted his father to move from his house on two acres to an independent living community closer to them once his eyesight began to deteriorate and he became unsteady on his feet. But he was worried about finances. “He didn’t have a mortgage, so we talked about how he could pay the monthly fee by selling his house,” Reid says. “You have to start asking questions and revealing the reality.”​ In the end, it comes down to peace of mind, for both of you. “The only way you’re going to get peace of mind when it comes to health care and housing is to look at health and wealth together,” she says. “You cannot look at them separately.”​ Sheryl Jean is a contributing writer who covers aging, business, technology, travel, health and human-interest stories. Her work has appeared in the Chicago Tribune and The Dallas Morning News. MORE FROM AARP AARP NEWSLETTERS %{ newsLetterPromoText }% %{ description }% Subscribe AARP VALUE & MEMBER BENEFITS See more Restaurants offers > See more Travel Planning offers > See more Flowers & Gifts offers > See more Groceries offers > SAVE MONEY WITH THESE LIMITED-TIME OFFERS