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How to Grandparent a Child With Special Needs

Educate yourself provide support know your limits and find the joy

Paul Fredette and Claudette Weaver have a special bond with grandson Tyler. Courrtesy Deb Booth When Jim Oricchio's grandson Sammy was diagnosed with autism at age 3, his family worried the boy wouldn't make friends, would struggle to communicate and wouldn't do well in school. Instead, Sammy captained his high school bowling team, founded the school's computer club and cohosted a podcast about autism. Now 20, he's into cars and the stock market, and attends college. Along the way, Oricchio and his wife Donna, who have 11 grandchildren, have helped Sammy's parents with the cost of his private school, advocated for services and connected with him through activities like twice-monthly lunches. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine. "I thank God every day that Sammy is who he is; he's a blessing to our family,” says Oricchio, 75, who lives in suburban Minneapolis and owns a business technology company. He is also a volunteer with, a special-needs advocacy and support organization in Minneapolis that, among other programs, runs groups for grandparents. Being the grandparent of a child with special needs can bring incredible joy but is also complicated, say grandparents like Oricchio, as well as advocates and other experts. About 17 percent of children are diagnosed with some kind of disability, says Madonna Harrington Meyer, a university professor in sociology at Syracuse University and coauthor with Ynesse Abdul-Malak of the book Grandparenting Children With Disabilities. While that percentage seems to be increasing, support programs for families are not, she says. That's one reason grandparents are so important. In fact, they are sometimes the first to spot that a child's development is off the established norm, says Harrington Meyer, who interviewed dozens of grandparents for her book. "Sometimes the grandparents are actually out in front,” she says. “But then they learn what it is. They learn what it means. And then they hit the ground running.”

Grandparents play an important role

Paul Fredette, 74, of New Bedford, Massachusetts, says he has a special connection with his grandson Tyler, 20, who has seizures and intellectual impairment as well as social and behavioral challenges. "He just has this bond with us,” Fredette says. “It's wonderful for us and it makes us feel happy that we can connect with him and make him laugh.… He loves us and we love him.” Entertainment $3 off popcorn and soft drink combos See more Entertainment offers > "I don't know how we would have made it this far without their support,” Booth says. “Tyler has just an incredible relationship with my parents, and 99.9 percent of the time, he has never been a behavioral challenge for them.… If he's in a grouchy mood, we do a with ‘Pepere’ and ‘Memere,’ and that can turn him around.” Grandparenting a child with special needs is a journey into unknown territory, says one Massachusetts grandmother of an autistic child who asked to remain anonymous. Like parents, grandparents may feel grief and anger when a child is first diagnosed. Then, as with any grandchild, they have to adjust their dreams to meet a child's own story. "I think we all went through some denial, almost like stages of grief,” the Massachusetts grandmother says. She and her husband, both retired educators, were prone to think they could fix anything but, as she says, “it's nothing like a broken arm.” In her case, grandparents and parents have pulled together to raise a child who struggles with communication and can't be left alone. When her grandchild was younger, . They also have helped financially, and they cook dinner for their grandchild's family once a week. "That's what people need who are in this situation — they need a team of people,” she says.

Advice for grandparents from grandparents

If you are facing the challenge of grandparenting a child with special needs, be assured there are ways to get advice and support that will help you emotionally, physically and financially. Here is some advice from grandparents of children with disabilities and others: AARP NEWSLETTERS %{ newsLetterPromoText }% %{ description }% Subscribe Susan Moeller is a contributing writer who covers lifestyle, health, finance and human-interest topics. A former newspaper reporter and editor, she also writes features and essays for the Boston Globe Magazine and her local NPR station, among other outlets. More on home-family AARP NEWSLETTERS %{ newsLetterPromoText }% %{ description }% Subscribe AARP VALUE & MEMBER BENEFITS See more Health & Wellness offers > See more Flights & Vacation Packages offers > See more Finances offers > See more Health & Wellness offers > SAVE MONEY WITH THESE LIMITED-TIME OFFERS