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Navigate Pandemic Social Life Without Fracturing Friendships

Find new ways to communicate about gatherings mask wearing and more

Getty Images What happens when close friends invite you to join them on a vacation, but you're not comfortable with their quarantine protocols? How about if a pal asks you over for a home-cooked dinner at the kitchen table, but you're sticking to al fresco socializing? What if you ask your buddy to but she wants you to wear a mask in the car? The question is how to navigate — or even turn down — these pleasant offers without offending anyone or damaging friendships. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine. , including how we socialize. When people have different comfort levels with everything from masks to group outings, keeping friends from feeling insulted or judged can be a challenge, says Gayle Whitlock, a marriage and family therapist in Santa Rosa, California. Varied requirements around social distancing from state to state and even among regions have prompted many people to develop their own “boundaries and comfort levels,” Whitlock says. “Some people are more risk adverse and some are rule followers, and that's going to seep into relationships." Jim Owen and his wife, Stanya, both 79, recently moved from Austin, Texas, to San Diego. Their closest friends, both in their 80s, wanted to host a going-away meal at a restaurant, something Owen insisted was too risky. The friends were “indescribably hurt by this, because in their minds, we're as close as family, so we would be safe,” says Owen, an author and producer of the coming documentary The Art of Aging Well. “We said, ‘We promise we will see you again. We just cannot see you now.'" Julie and her daughter Magdalyn on the camping trip. Courtesy of Julie Rowley

Brainstorm together to reach consensus

To prevent hurt feelings or to negotiate terms everyone is comfortable with, focus on the relationship and not the specific activity being suggested, says Shasta Nelson, a friendship expert in San Francisco and author of The Business of Friendship. "The goal is not the cottage or the restaurant or the party. The goal is the relationships you foster in those settings,” Nelson says. If you're the host or initiating a visit, it's your responsibility to cater to the needs of everybody you're reaching out to, she says. Make sure you are up front about who is likely to attend — don't invite surprise guests. "Treat it the way you would with friends that don't have the same amount of money,” Nelson says. “You wouldn't talk somebody into something that was beyond their financial ability, so offer up options to make this work and express acceptance.” , indoor and outdoor interactions, and . Be transparent: If a teen in your house was tangentially exposed to someone who might have the coronavirus, for example, be up front about it and let the friend decide on their risk tolerance. “Don't feel bad about it. Brainstorm together, and put it on everybody to make this as safe as possible,” Nelson says. That's what Donna Walls, 69, has been doing with her circle of friends. Entertainment $3 off popcorn and soft drink combos See more Entertainment offers > "I'm not shy at all about asking friends what they're comfortable with,” says Walls, a nurse and lactation consultant in Dayton, Ohio. For years, Walls and six other women met monthly for lunch. Then COVID-19 hit. At first, they all stayed home. Then they agreed as a group that , far apart at a table, might be OK. "One of us has health issues, and we want her to be around for many more lunches, so we brought it up: Who's comfortable? Who's not?” Walls says. “Being able to say, ‘This is where I draw the line’ helps."

Virus risk tolerance differs

In Milwaukee, Julie Rowley, 53, embraced a heightened level of safety after a young family member tested positive for She does curbside pickup when shopping, wears a mask, doesn't host friends over or visit others’ homes. And yet, during a recent camping trip, two other families decided her standards were too relaxed: Despite the fact that each family had its own campsite and the groups didn't share food, Rowley's friends worried that the teenagers in the group wouldn't keep their distance while hiking. "I suggested we talk about what we felt was safe, and we decided they just needed to be checked on once in a while,” says Rowley.
But what if there's no middle ground? Because Sally Rosenthal's 70-year-old husband has a heart condition, she's been extremely vigilant since the pandemic surfaced. "I'm so afraid that I am on perpetual guard, and I'm inflexible when it comes to masks, social distancing and sharing meals,” says Rosenthal, a writer in Boston. AARP NEWSLETTERS %{ newsLetterPromoText }% %{ description }% Subscribe More on home-family AARP NEWSLETTERS %{ newsLetterPromoText }% %{ description }% Subscribe AARP VALUE & MEMBER BENEFITS See more Health & Wellness offers > See more Flights & Vacation Packages offers > See more Finances offers > See more Health & Wellness offers > SAVE MONEY WITH THESE LIMITED-TIME OFFERS