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How to Work With Aging Parents When They Resist Help

Experts offer advice on negotiating tension-filled decisions with loved ones

laflor/Getty Images Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine. “In her mind, she considered it a disgrace to have anybody in her home,” Solie said. “This was her domain for over 50 years, a place where she did everything by herself and in her own way.” Conflicts of this sort often between aging parents and their adult children just when understanding and support are most needed. Instead of working together to solve problems, families often find themselves feuding and driven by feelings of resentment and distress. Solie considered going to court to ask for a — a legal arrangement that would have given him control over his mother’s affairs. But his lawyer advised that this course of action would destroy Solie’s relationship with his mother. Solie is now a health care consultant who helps other adult children make decisions about caring for their parents. Make preserving trust and keeping your relationship intact — not winning arguments — a priority, he suggests. What your parents most need is confidence that you’ll listen to them, take their concerns seriously and stay by their side no matter what happens, he says. How adult children communicate with their parents can go a long way toward easing tensions, Solie says. Instead of , ask how they’d prefer to solve problems. Elicit their priorities and recognize their values when making suggestions. Give them choices whenever possible. Be attuned to their unexpressed needs and fears. When Lee Lindquist, chief of geriatrics at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine, asked 68 older adults in eight focus groups , the answers varied. They said they were afraid of losing their independence, becoming a burden on loved ones, being taken advantage of and relinquishing control over their lives. Asked what might make a difference, the older adults said they liked the idea of “interdependence” ­— acknowledging that people need one another from childhood to older age. Here are some tips to help navigate a loved one’s final years:

Be patient Give your parents time to adjust

called with concerns about their ability to live independently. After discussing the situation with their physician, Frances approached her mother again. A move to assisted living would be a fresh start and allow the family to spend more time together, she said. After several conversations, her mother finally agreed. Entertainment $3 off popcorn and soft drink combos See more Entertainment offers > Frances, a psychologist, has some suggestions for parenting one’s parents. For example, stay calm when disagreements arise with your elderly parents and tamp down your emotional reactions. Listen carefully to their concerns and let them know you’re trying to help them accomplish their goals, not impose your agenda.

Let them know you re on their side

Denise Brown was convinced her parents, Roger and Sally Loeffler, were making a terrible mistake. Roger, 84, had been diagnosed with bladder and prostate cancer and had undergone extensive surgery. Sally, 81, had suffered three internal bleeds and had one-third of her stomach removed. Brown didn’t think they could live on their own anymore, and her parents had moved into a retirement community upon her recommendation. But then, at a family meeting, her mother stood up and said, “I’m not dying in this dump. ” As Brown and her siblings turned to their father, he said, “I’ll do whatever your mom wants.” When her parents decided to move to an apartment, Brown confronted them. “I raised my voice and said, ‘This is not good, this is terrible,’” she said. “They said: ‘It doesn’t matter; this is what we’re going to do.’” Although Brown thought her parents would be safer and have a more “gentle” death in the retirement community, “it occurred to me this wasn’t what my parents wanted. They valued their independence. It’s their decision about how the end of life plays out.” Brown let her parents know she’d respect their wishes but would need to set limits. Her work — Brown is the founder of — had to be a priority, and her parents would need to arrange other assistance if she couldn’t be available. (Brown’s two brothers and sister help out.) What doesn’t work: trying to communicate when any one of them is tired or angry. AARP NEWSLETTERS %{ newsLetterPromoText }% %{ description }% Subscribe MORE FROM AARP AARP NEWSLETTERS %{ newsLetterPromoText }% %{ description }% Subscribe AARP VALUE & MEMBER BENEFITS See more Health & Wellness offers > See more Flights & Vacation Packages offers > See more Finances offers > See more Health & Wellness offers > SAVE MONEY WITH THESE LIMITED-TIME OFFERS