The Secret Caregiver: Why I Hide Mom's Cancer Diagnosis Javascript must be enabled to use this site. Please enable Javascript in your browser and try again. × Search search POPULAR SEARCHES SUGGESTED LINKS Join AARP for just $9 per year when you sign up for a 5-year term. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine. Leaving AARP.org Website You are now leaving AARP.org and going to a website that is not operated by AARP. A different privacy policy and terms of service will apply.

Self-Care for the Secret Caregiver

Why I am keeping quiet about my mother s cancer diagnosis

iconics/a.collectionRF/Getty Images I am a secret caregiver. I'm a caregiver because I care for my aging mother; secret, because no one knows she is fighting for her life. Like many immigrant Asians from an earlier generation, the word “cancer” strikes fear. It's bad luck to even say the word. You would think that since my mother went to medical school, she could speak openly, candidly and rationally about it, and she can — when it's someone else's. Friends seek her medical advice, but she still has not told anyone outside of her primary caregivers (doctors and children) that she herself is preparing for chemotherapy after many surgeries and different types of radiation treatment. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine. Becoming a caregiver was a sneaky process for me. It began with minor tasks: helping with some translations, making doctor's appointments and dealing with the pharmacy. Then she realized there was something serious going on, but she would only drop hints cryptically in Mandarin Chinese, such as “wǒ juédé yǒudiǎn qíguài” (我覺得有點奇怪), ("I feel a little strange.") After several months of my trying to understand what was happening, I got frustrated and angrily demanded that she allow me to accompany her to her next doctor's visit. She argued with me for a while before she finally relented. Her doctor (also her medical school classmate) took one look at me and said in Chinese: “nǐ de māmā bù tīng wǒ de huà” (你的媽媽不聽我的話), ("Your mother doesn't listen to me.") He showed me test and biopsy results, lab reports and images that were startling even for someone like me, with no medical background. Flowers & Gifts 25% off sitewide and 30% off select items See more Flowers & Gifts offers > I now realize that my mom knew on some level she had something serious. After all, it was she who discovered the suspicious lump. It was she who demanded the labs and tests showing something to be concerned about. Yet as the facts flooded in, her training switched off and her humanity switched on: Fear overtook her, and she was too emotionally paralyzed to follow her own advice. A couple of years ago, I became a parent. I took on the role of caregiver for an infant with joy and eager anticipation. Little did I know that pretty soon I would be (much less joyously and not-at-all eagerly) caring for my mother as well. I unwittingly became a member of the sandwich generation: responsible for bringing up our own children and caring for aging parents. I sometimes joke that it's easier to care for a 2-year-old than for a 72-year-old, but it's actually the truth. For one thing, you just can't make an adult do what you want her to do. For another, not only are there various options for child care, but others know how hard it is and offer to help. When your mother doesn't even tell her sister or best friend she is sick, the burden of care (and worry) falls squarely on you. It falls on me, her secret caregiver. I let my mom tell her friends she spends so much time with me because she is helping out with my toddler. And while that is true some of the time, one look at our secret shared calendar would tell you that the bulk of our time together is for her health care needs. AARP NEWSLETTERS %{ newsLetterPromoText }% %{ description }% Subscribe >>
* Chris Lee is a pseudonym used to protect the identity of the writer's mother. AARP NEWSLETTERS %{ newsLetterPromoText }% %{ description }% Subscribe AARP VALUE & MEMBER BENEFITS See more Health & Wellness offers > See more Flights & Vacation Packages offers > See more Finances offers > See more Health & Wellness offers > SAVE MONEY WITH THESE LIMITED-TIME OFFERS