How Caregivers Can Maintain Balance and Avoid Guilt Javascript must be enabled to use this site. Please enable Javascript in your browser and try again. × Search search POPULAR SEARCHES SUGGESTED LINKS Join AARP for just $9 per year when you sign up for a 5-year term. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine. Leaving AARP.org Website You are now leaving AARP.org and going to a website that is not operated by AARP. A different privacy policy and terms of service will apply.

Caregivers Living With Guilt

How to keep it in check by tolerating ambivalence maintaining balance and staying realistic

Don't aim for guilt-free caregiving. Guilt is part of who we are. Getty Images , which we think was inadequate. Because we still can function physically and cognitively in ways in which they are no longer capable. A little guilt along these lines probably makes us more sensitive and attentive. But too much of it torments us and saps all possible joy. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine. And guilt usually is joined by other challenging emotions. Caregivers who are harshly self-critical — those who beat themselves up — are more prone to depression. Former caregivers of now-deceased loved ones grieve longer if they second-guess their previous caregiving. And guilt often leads to what I call reactive cycles: I feel guilty. I then feel angry for having been made to feel guilty. I then feel guilty for having felt angry. I then feel angry again for feeling guilty again. And so on. How can we come to terms with guilt and still feel proud to be hard-working, well-meaning caregivers? Here are some ideas: Don't aim for . The feeling that we should do more and better for one another seems to be built into our species as a group survival mechanism. Guilt is part of who we are. So that discrepancy between what you think you should do and what you're willing and able to do may always cause some guilt. Let's accept that as a given, then, and work on tempering the feeling. Flowers & Gifts 25% off sitewide and 30% off select items See more Flowers & Gifts offers > Tolerate ambivalence. Some caregivers experience guilt and harsh self-criticism if they feel at all negatively — anxious, angry — about their caregiving duties. It's as if we think that dreading some aspect of caregiving means we no longer love the care recipient. But having negative feelings is part of normal family life. In the years before old age and illness, our family members were probably sometimes irritable toward one another without so much self-condemnation. Caregiving doesn't make us angels. We're still cranky humans. Find other motivations. Guilt sometimes induces us to do things we really don't want to do. We then become resentful. It is far better for us to act on more noble impulses — wanting to provide care because it is important to us or pleases us. That has been my wife's main point to me. I shouldn't see my mother on some rigid schedule because I would feel guilty otherwise. I should visit her because I want to see her whenever I can. The truth is I do want to see her. I will try to change my schedule to make it happen. , a clinical psychologist, family therapist and healthcare consultant, is the co-author of and (Da Capo, 2016). Follow him on and . MORE FROM AARP AARP NEWSLETTERS %{ newsLetterPromoText }% %{ description }% Subscribe AARP VALUE & MEMBER BENEFITS See more Health & Wellness offers > See more Flights & Vacation Packages offers > See more Finances offers > See more Health & Wellness offers > SAVE MONEY WITH THESE LIMITED-TIME OFFERS