Tips for Caregivers at the Holiday Dinner Table Javascript must be enabled to use this site. Please enable Javascript in your browser and try again. × Search search POPULAR SEARCHES SUGGESTED LINKS Join AARP for just $9 per year when you sign up for a 5-year term. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine. Leaving AARP.org Website You are now leaving AARP.org and going to a website that is not operated by AARP. A different privacy policy and terms of service will apply.

Do s and Don ts for Caregivers at the Holiday Dinner Table

Try to avoid stressful confrontations with family members

Here are some ideas of what family caregivers should and shouldn’t say during the holiday dinner. Gallery Stock as a whole and not just this family meal. Mom looks away uncomfortably. The brother stands suddenly and slaps a piece of ham on to his mother’s plate. There is mostly silence around the table. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine. Perhaps this is many caregivers’ fantasy — to confront those self-justifying and neglectful siblings and other unsupportive family members over crescent rolls and mashed potatoes. It would probably feel good to make them eat crow while they are digesting their meal. It would feel even better if those family members voluntarily got up and pitched in as a gesture of thanks for all the primary caregiver does for their loved one the other 364 days a year. But, as in Harriet’s case, making a scene carries risks. At the least, it might divide the family during a yearly ritual when togetherness is considered paramount. At worst, it might alienate the very family members whose help the caregiver hopes for on a more regular basis. If direct confrontation actually worked, then caregivers need merely demand assistance and a legion of supporters would instantly appear. But usually, not even the holiday spirit generates that much good will. So what should and shouldn’t family caregivers say at the to both keep the peace and make a plea for more help? Here are some ideas: — Don’t say: “Why aren’t you helping out with Mom more?” An axiom of family therapy is that “you” statements (“You don’t treat me well,” for example) have an inherently accusatory tone and are almost always guaranteed to provoke a defensive reaction or host of excuses. Few stubborn brothers will respond positively and step up. At the same time, this question is too broad. Requests should be more specific and tailored to the sibling’s availability and capabilities. Flowers & Gifts 25% off sitewide and 30% off select items See more Flowers & Gifts offers > — Do say: “What changes have you noticed with Mom’s walking, speaking and thinking since you were last here?” It is better to to help him grasp a parent’s decline. Even if that sibling persists in denying that there are any changes, he is likely to pay more attention to the parent’s functioning and eventually get a clue. — Don’t say: “You should visit more often.” As many of us can attest, guilt is a powerful motivator. But it also creates unpleasant feelings. Even if the brothers do come back before the next holiday, they will do so reluctantly — fearful that they’ll get another guilt-inducing lecture. In the end, they will find reasons to stay away. — Do say: “It was great to see you.” To engage unsupportive siblings in the caregiving effort, it is necessary to make it a gratifying experience for them. Having a harmonious holiday dinner, full of laughs and free of acrimony, is an important step in that direction. As the table is being cleared and coats are being retrieved, let them know that you and Mom genuinely enjoyed seeing them and would love for them to be a more integral part of your lives. AARP NEWSLETTERS %{ newsLetterPromoText }% %{ description }% Subscribe AARP VALUE & MEMBER BENEFITS See more Health & Wellness offers > See more Flights & Vacation Packages offers > See more Finances offers > See more Health & Wellness offers > SAVE MONEY WITH THESE LIMITED-TIME OFFERS