How to Discuss Hot Button Issues Without Destroying Relationships

Stand Your Ground Without Hurting Feelings How to Talk Hot-Button Topics With Friends

Illustration by Gluekit. Photos: Foxnews.com Phil Donahue once calmly said to Fox News' Bill O'Reilly during a debate, "Loud doesn't mean right." There's an old saying: Never discuss or at dinner. I'm not sure where that rule was invented, but it certainly wasn't in my childhood home, where loud conversations were as much a staple at mealtime as salt and pepper. See also: But after a lifetime of heated debate, I've begun to realize that with age comes a kind of temperance, both in how we express ourselves and how we listen to opposing viewpoints. And I've found that we can , provided we follow a few simple rules.

Keep it quiet

Despite the high-decibel exchanges we routinely witness on cable TV, yelling gets you nowhere. Or as my husband, Phil, once calmly said to Fox News' Bill O'Reilly during a debate, "Loud doesn't mean right." Humans are defensive creatures, but if we work to keep the flame on simmer, we can keep the conversation from dangerously boiling over.

Tips to Get Along

— Receive access to exclusive information, benefits and discounts

Don t take the bait

The best arguers know your hot buttons — and exactly how to push them. I'm a devout , yet my cousin Mike is always rhapsodizing to me about his gas-guzzler. I eventually figured out that he does this just to get a rise out of me. Now I don't give him that pleasure.

Stay on task

I was once on a panel about with my pal Gloria Steinem when, out of the blue, our adversary began talking about immigration. Gloria didn't miss a beat. "That's another matter we can talk about later," she said, " but for now, let's get back to why women make only 77 cents for every dollar earned by a man." It was a deft move that you can try — you'll be surprised how quickly your friend will abandon a diversionary ploy when confronted.

Listen as well as you talk

Hard as it is for most of us to believe, we're not the only person who feels passionately about an issue. I remember a dinner party at Barbara Walters' home where I went to the mat with a guest about the Iraq War, which I did not support. But I was spellbound when she began telling me about her family's long . It didn't change my opinion about the war, but it opened my eyes to what it meant to her.

Accept that we re all different

An uncomfortable conversation can make you question your friend's moral fabric and possibly even the friendship itself. "Do I really like him after all?" you think. When faced with that dilemma, I remind myself that none of us is perfect and none of us is always right (despite what we might tell our spouses).

Know when to let go

The headlines may change every day, but friendships——are lifelong. There are relatively few topics that are worth losing a friend over. So if you're out to dinner with a dear pal and you get into a political argument, save yourself the trouble and order dessert. Affairs of state can sometimes wait. Ice cream can't. Actress, author and activist Marlo Thomas blogs at marlothomas.com.

Also of Interest

See the for deals, savings tips, trivia and more
Cancel You are leaving AARP.org and going to the website of our trusted provider. The provider’s terms, conditions and policies apply. Please return to AARP.org to learn more about other benefits. Your email address is now confirmed. You'll start receiving the latest news, benefits, events, and programs related to AARP's mission to empower people to choose how they live as they age. You can also by updating your account at anytime. You will be asked to register or log in. Cancel Offer Details Disclosures

Close In the next 24 hours, you will receive an email to confirm your subscription to receive emails related to AARP volunteering. Once you confirm that subscription, you will regularly receive communications related to AARP volunteering. In the meantime, please feel free to search for ways to make a difference in your community at Javascript must be enabled to use this site. Please enable Javascript in your browser and try again.