The Ex Factor, How to Handle Your Adult Kids Breakups Javascript must be enabled to use this site. Please enable Javascript in your browser and try again. × Search search POPULAR SEARCHES SUGGESTED LINKS Join AARP for just $9 per year when you sign up for a 5-year term. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine. Leaving AARP.org Website You are now leaving AARP.org and going to a website that is not operated by AARP. A different privacy policy and terms of service will apply.
The Ex Factor
Should you cut ties with your child s former flame
Who gets to keep the exes when your kid breakups with their mate? Getty Images Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine. And sometimes after a breakup, parents worry their child will never find another seemingly perfect partner, says , an author and social psychologist in New Jersey — "especially if they are looking for grandchildren." What's a parent to do? Erase the former partner from memory? Reach out and say goodbye? Tell your child he or she is making a big mistake? "Parents always need to side with and support their child, even if they think they are nuts for breaking up," says Linda Lewis Griffith, a marriage and family therapist in San Luis Obispo, Calif. Griffith, who counsels young adults in her practice, notes that a breakup can be an intense period of sadness, upheaval and adjustment for the couple. If parents want to vent, they should express their feelings with friends and other family members, not with their kids. "Parents need to allow themselves time to grieve, then adapt and move on to make room for the next relationship," Griffith says. While it's not necessary to unfriend the former love on Facebook, she says, don't actively engage with him or her. Continued contact leaves both parent and child in an emotional limbo. If it feels impossible to have no contact at all with the ex, Griffith suggests sending a card with a simple message of best wishes. And if a card seems too cold, Newman offers the following advice: Consult your child. Ask how your son or daughter feels about you continuing the relationship. Explain the difficulty of severing a longtime emotional connection. "Some adult children couldn't care less," Newman says, while others will be upset, "feeling parents have abandoned them."Give it some time. If your adult child reacts negatively, you might wait a month or two until emotions are not so raw. Then ask again about reaching out. But don't push it.Call the ex. If your child doesn't mind, call to express your sadness, how much you will miss the ex and the hope that your paths will cross again. Finally, whatever you do, don't get caught in the middle, Griffith says. If the ex calls and wants you to advocate for him or her with your child, don't. The fallout can get messy. Mary W. Quigley, a journalist and author, has written two books about motherhood and work. A New York University journalism professor, she is the mother of three adult children and blogs at . AARP NEWSLETTERS %{ newsLetterPromoText }% %{ description }% Subscribe AARP VALUE & MEMBER BENEFITS See more Health & Wellness offers > See more Flights & Vacation Packages offers > See more Finances offers > See more Health & Wellness offers > SAVE MONEY WITH THESE LIMITED-TIME OFFERS