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What to Say to Someone Who s Very Sick

Expert advice on finding the right words listening well and getting specific about offers of help

Whether you’re a family member, friend, coworker or even just an acquaintance of someone grappling with a diagnosis of a terminal illness, it can seem difficult to know what to say or do for them. Here, people who address this reality every day — whether they’re psychologists, chaplains or cancer patients — share advice on what helps, and what doesn’t.

Don t say It s going to be OK br

It’s an automatic and well-intended response, but don’t try to reassure a friend or loved one that everything will end up just fine. “When I was diagnosed with breast cancer and well-meaning people would say that to me, I’d just stare at them and think, There’s no possible way that we know that , ” says Breanna Wicker, area vice president of operations for the home health and hospice company Amedisys and herself a breast cancer survivor. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine. Suzanne Maxey, a former hospice nurse who is now battling an aggressive breast cancer, says don't tell someone who is ill that they’ll “beat it.” “That's ridiculous,” she says. “I've been a hospice nurse for years. The I have — triple negative — comes back sooner or later. And I don't want to hear about your mother or close friend with stage one breast cancer who is now fine. That's not what I'm dealing with right now." If you’re struggling for a way to say something meaningful, try the following, advises Liwanag Ojala, chief executive officer of CaringBridge, a nonprofit, online social networking site that helps family and friends communicate with and support loved ones during illness: I wish this wasn’t happening to you. This must be hard news for you to share. I’m here for you.

But do say something

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Do be careful about saying I ll pray for you br

If you both belong to the same church or synagogue, and you know religion is an important part of a friend or acquaintance’s life, that’s one thing. But “it’s a mistake to assume that someone shares your spiritual beliefs,” says Jennifer FitzPatrick, a professor of gerontology at Johns Hopkins University and author of Cruising Through Caregiving: Reducing the Stress of Caring for Your Loved One. This is particularly true if you’re not sure about their views on death and the afterlife. If you’re not sure about their religious beliefs, keep God, heaven, and other spiritual reassurances out of it.

Do try to create a semblance of normalcy

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