29 Jokes That Made Twitter Almost Bearable In 2017Skip To ContentHomepageSign InSearch BuzzFeedSearch BuzzFeedlol Badge Feedwin Badge Feedtrending Badge FeedCalifornia residents can opt out of "sales" of personal data.Do Not Sell My Personal Information 2022 BuzzFeed, Inc PressRSSPrivacyConsent PreferencesUser TermsAd ChoicesHelpContactSitemap Posted on 22 Dec 2017 29 Jokes That Made Twitter Almost Bearable In 2017Almost. by Robin EddsBuzzFeed StaffFacebookPinterestTwitterMailLink 1 A Ray in a Manger @SirEviscerate GOD: You have probably 70-80 years at most before you die, ideally. MAN: oh. well, i'll make the most of- GOD: You'… https://t.co/QrYHZuOGnE 03:16 PM - 19 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 2 asexual like christ @junieboony judge: you’re charged with jaywalking how do you plead? me: *leans into mic* i’ll take the death penalty 12:47 AM - 18 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 3 Not Sara @smithsara79 Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand* haha stop hitting yourself, why are you hitting yours… https://t.co/jdvm5N7fQM 04:31 PM - 11 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 4 cory from tweeter @coryrichardson_ [movie date] me: i snuck in some snacks her: omg!! me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water 04:05 AM - 18 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 5 Parker @panoparker Friend 1: "Where's the best place to stand during an earthquake?" Friend 2: "A doorway, a car, under the bed?" Me… https://t.co/43nOMh5WmD 08:21 PM - 14 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 6 Gracie McIntosh @Gracietosh i just drove through Harvard’s campus and asked these dudes if they went to Harvard they said yes i said oh ya then… https://t.co/xscg3Ppfbk 11:10 PM - 11 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 7 ?Mistle-no Marti @MartiSchodt What do we want? DRESSES WITH POCKETS! How do we want them? FILLED WITH SNACKS! What kind of snacks? PREFERABL… https://t.co/oEZFpUK9za 11:00 PM - 08 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 8 haroun @hqdada what if the FBI agent monitoring my laptop activity falls in love with me 01:14 PM - 08 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 9 k e i t h ? @KeetPotato me: [pointing gun in air] "EVERYBODY LISTEN UP THIS IS A ROBBERY" girl: "dude, this is a library" me: "oh" [screwin… https://t.co/Ct5UX8dDTU 02:43 PM - 28 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 10 Probability The Rapper @random_weighs Just so we’re clear, The Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair. 12:41 AM - 25 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 11 Tom @SydneyTom_ Biden: Imma ring him and pretend I'm from Time magazine. Obama: Joe, please don't d... Biden: 02:44 AM - 25 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 12 Cohenis a Ghost of Christmas @skullmandible long ago the four nations lived in harmony 01:54 AM - 25 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 13 Hippo @InternetHippo julius caesar (dying after being stabbed 23 times): please…name a salad after me 11:38 PM - 21 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 14 Ciara @Ciara_Knight .@FoxNews WHEN ARE YOU GONNA TELL US HOW THE FOXES ARE 08:05 PM - 04 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 15 David Hughes @david8hughes [sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap] Me: dude that thing's for bears 04:34 PM - 17 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 16 eric turtle @dubstep4dads me: what do u mean my friend cant come in bouncer: theres no way hes 21 me: but- stuart little: dude its fine lets just go 02:05 AM - 11 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 17 Michelle Lee @heymichellelee from left to right: me on twitter, facebook, tumblr, instagram, and linkedin 07:20 PM - 26 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 18 the library goth @BozeReads MARRIAGE IS BETWEEN A WOMAN AND WHOEVER GUESSES HER THREE RIDDLES 05:57 AM - 25 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 19 Ygrinch @Ygrene [Alien family passing Earth] *door lock noise* 10:53 PM - 09 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 20 brandon sheffield @necrosofty Q: What's Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination? A: HAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYE 01:14 AM - 03 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 21 Alex with an ex @psybermonkey David: *plays secret chord* The Lord: Nice. 09:44 PM - 13 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 22 Tom Neenan @TNeenan PUBLISHER: I hope this is better than your last book idea about a murderer called Hurderer THOMAS HARRIS: Its about a cannibal P: Go on 09:23 AM - 31 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 23 Marf @MarfSalvador Me: I need a doctor's appointment Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow? Me: No I don't need that many 12:42 PM - 01 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 24 manytypesoftea @manytypesoftea CHANGING YOUR DUVET COVER -remember to use your energy sparingly. It's a marathon, not a sprint -make sure you stay hydrated -don't panic 10:53 AM - 15 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 25 Flora underscore underscore Flora ? @Flora__Flora How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra 07:01 PM - 29 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 26 vineyille @vineyille “Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly. 02:32 PM - 21 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 27 joe-gle bells @mutablejoe mary: you sorted that hotel out joseph: yes, obviously, of course, stop going on about it, god 08:08 PM - 20 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 28 Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov [concert] SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight CROWD: woo ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months 05:02 AM - 09 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 29 childish sadbino @datassque yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later. 02:47 AM - 30 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite Share This ArticleFacebook PinterestTwitterMailLink BuzzFeed DailyKeep up with the latest daily buzz with the BuzzFeed Daily newsletter!This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.