43 Jokes That Deserve A Place In The Twitter Hall Of FameSkip To ContentHomepageSign InSearch BuzzFeedSearch BuzzFeedlol Badge Feedwin Badge Feedtrending Badge FeedCalifornia residents can opt out of "sales" of personal data.Do Not Sell My Personal Information 2022 BuzzFeed, Inc PressRSSPrivacyConsent PreferencesUser TermsAd ChoicesHelpContactSitemapPosted on 21 Sept 2017 43 Jokes That Deserve A Place In The Twitter Hall Of Fame Funny people on Twitter: making the internet bearable since 2006. by Robin EddsBuzzFeed StaffFacebookPinterestTwitterMailLink 1 Cohen is a ghost @skullmandible most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns 11:50 PM - 12 Dec 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 2 Elle Emmenopee @ElleOhHell I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler." 02:50 PM - 01 May 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 3 Alex with an ex @psybermonkey David: *plays secret chord* The Lord: Nice. 09:44 PM - 13 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 4 Sean Leahy @thepunningman "The bond's Name. James Name" Pleased to... what? "Bond Name's the james" Are you alright? "Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance" 09:33 AM - 02 Dec 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 5 Tom Neenan @TNeenan PUBLISHER: I hope this is better than your last book idea about a murderer called Hurderer THOMAS HARRIS: Its about a cannibal P: Go on 09:23 AM - 31 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 6 Audrey Porne @AudreyPorne hate when people say "if u think this is better than sex, u haven't had good sex!", like no, maybe you've just never had good lasagna, Carol 08:49 AM - 04 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 7 Michael Spicer @MrMichaelSpicer That's me in the corner That's me in the spotlight That's me on the balcony That's me with our rep Carol -Michael Stipe's holiday photos 07:14 AM - 04 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 8 Mat @MatCro GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way. 01:11 PM - 26 Jul 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 9 David Hughes @david8hughes [inventing dogs] God: ur mans best friend Dog: pretty sexist God: no, man as in every-fuck it u can't talk Dog: ... God: & chocolate kills u 02:54 PM - 04 Aug 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 10 Momma Becca @HBecca2017 High school teachers: I'm MRS. HARDASS and you will take me SERIOUSLY College profs: what up I'm Josh and class is cancelled cuz I'm tired 02:50 PM - 05 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 11 Marf @MarfSalvador Me: I need a doctor's appointment Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow? Me: No I don't need that many 12:42 PM - 01 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 12 Rad Kyle @KyleMcDowell86 HER: Im breaking up with u ME: Is it because I say "Uh Oh Spaghetti O's" when things go wrong? HER: Ya ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O's 12:08 AM - 10 Feb 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 13 кєи∂яιк @BIacknmild Why name hurricanes soft names like jose? Name that shit hurricane death megatron 300 and i gurentee everyone will evacuate immediately 03:52 PM - 05 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 14 andrew chamings @AndrewChamings [shark tank] me: ridiculously wide sunglasses shark 1: i'm out shark 2: i'm out hammerhead shark: i'm listening 04:34 PM - 01 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 15 REW @therealeatwood What’s with this dude that keeps saying “Turn around” in “Total Eclipse of the Heart”? Man, shut the fuck up, she’s trying to sing a song. 12:49 AM - 14 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 16 Megan Amram @meganamram I call my vagina "New Yorker cartoon" because it's dry and a handful of people have laughed at it 11:35 PM - 16 Oct 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 17 beth has had it @bourgeoisalien if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won't bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot 07:31 PM - 07 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 18 Tami Cru @TamiCru genie: please no millipede: more legs 03:50 AM - 29 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 19 brent @murrman5 [walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium] wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent 02:10 AM - 24 Nov 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 20 josh nalven @JNalv I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy 09:42 PM - 20 Feb 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 21 Danielle Grace @danimgrace Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now. 07:14 PM - 12 May 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 22 David Hughes @david8hughes [sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye." 03:41 PM - 01 Jun 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 23 Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov [concert] SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight CROWD: woo ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months 05:02 AM - 09 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 24 Ranjit Bhatnagar @ranjit Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question. 08:00 PM - 21 Dec 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 25 Alice Sanders @wernerspenguin I'm just a girl, standing in front of a straight, white boy, telling him I know more about the subject than him because it's my actual job. 10:09 AM - 07 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 26 Kashana @kashanacauley Can't believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle. 04:54 PM - 11 May 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 27 rory @rorynotroy “Um.” - 1st horse that got ridden 04:45 PM - 23 Jun 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 28 rudy mustang @rudy_mustang Me: could i have a pepsi Waiter: is pepsi ok- OMG *eyes getting watery* finally Me: *smiling through tears* yeah *we kiss* 11:39 PM - 02 Jun 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 29 Amanda @Pandamoanimum The inventor of the anagram has died. May he erect a penis. 10:50 PM - 09 Sep 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 30 Mike Primavera @primawesome Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words. 06:55 PM - 04 Dec 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 31 Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there. 12:43 AM - 29 Jan 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 32 beth has had it @bourgeoisalien If I could have dinner with anybody living or dead I'd pick the dead guy. Then I'd order two dinners and eat both. Fuck that guy. He's dead 01:48 AM - 31 Aug 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 33 k e i t h ? @KeetPotato me: "we commemorate the day you died every year" jesus: "thats nice, what's the day called?" me: jesus: me: jesus: "keith?" me: "bad friday" 06:45 PM - 24 Mar 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 34 manytypesoftea @manytypesoftea CHANGING YOUR DUVET COVER -remember to use your energy sparingly. It's a marathon, not a sprint -make sure you stay hydrated -don't panic 10:53 AM - 15 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 35 Ristolable @Ristolable What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts. 11:01 PM - 13 Aug 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 36 Flora Flora ? @Flora__Flora How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra 07:01 PM - 29 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 37 callie @CallieDoucet DRIVERS! PLEASE BE COURTEOUS TO STUDENT PEDESTRIANS AND hit us going full speed please 05:15 PM - 11 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 38 Beverlicious @blade_funner [GOD INVENTING THE WEASEL] You know what we need? An otter you can't fucking trust. 01:54 AM - 07 Sep 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 39 Marty Lawrence @TeaAndCopy ME: I'll see you in a month WIFE: Don't forget to write ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon 04:31 PM - 26 Jul 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 40 Mr Roger Quimbly @RogerQuimbly Does 'heinous' rhyme with 'penis' or 'anus'? To win a prize, send your one word answer to Piers Morgan. Good luck! 09:15 PM - 05 Mar 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 41 vineyille @vineyille “Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly. 02:32 PM - 21 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 42 Bea_ker @bea_ker [in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope 03:25 AM - 29 Nov 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 43 Matt Tobey @mtobey "Anybody here named Jeff?" Jeff: "Yes" Geoff: "Yeos" 12:02 AM - 21 Jan 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite Share This ArticleFacebook PinterestTwitterMailLink BuzzFeed DailyKeep up with the latest daily buzz with the BuzzFeed Daily newsletter!This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.