33 Tweets That Are So Funny You'll Wish You Wrote ThemSkip To ContentHomepageSign InSearch BuzzFeedSearch BuzzFeedlol Badge Feedwin Badge Feedtrending Badge FeedCalifornia residents can opt out of "sales" of personal data.Do Not Sell My Personal Information 2022 BuzzFeed, Inc PressRSSPrivacyConsent PreferencesUser TermsAd ChoicesHelpContactSitemapPosted on 19 Sept 2017 33 Tweets That Are So Funny You ll Wish You Wrote Them "Hate when people don't believe my exaggerations. Like, yeah I did wait 7 weeks for the bus once just fuck off." by Cassie SmythBuzzFeed StaffFacebookPinterestTwitterMailLink 1 dī(ə)ltōn @lilghosthands every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz baby 02:02 PM - 10 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 2 Lex Croucher @lexcanroar what's up with this dramatic movie poster font choice. how many did he kill on his first day 08:45 PM - 07 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 3 Bear Knee Sanders @LeBearGirdle Me: I think my computer's broken Boss: just give it to the IT guy Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck 02:09 AM - 18 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 4 Twitter: @_Ollie2505 5 Twitter: @CiCiAdams_ 6 Booferoni Pizza @Mala_Moot The rest of the day after someone calls you cute 11:20 PM - 14 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 7 saz @MANARAxx sickest dj feeling is when im making rice and when it boils i turn the hob from highest heat to lowest like yes m8 ave it crowd goes wild 07:42 PM - 12 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 8 Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that's a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right lla… https://t.co/PxPsAZJ5My 05:48 PM - 12 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 9 ‍ Warden @brilokuloj when someone RTs the tweet you tagged them in 10:49 PM - 11 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 10 Joshua Stephenson @G_Joshhh Hate when people don't believe my exaggerations. Like, yeah I did wait 7 weeks for the bus once just fuck off. 03:16 PM - 11 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 11 @oscarewilde Bröther may i have a Töwel 04:04 PM - 07 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 12 k e i t h ? @KeetPotato [restaurant owners meeting] "we should start asking customers if they've been here before" why though? "absolutely no reason at all" ok deal 11:03 AM - 13 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 13 pierre menard @PierreMenard while I respect Dracula's abilities, I can not condone his actions 01:52 AM - 14 Jul 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 14 anna @nutellaANDpizza Me thinking about a joke I told last week 06:14 PM - 14 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 15 Luke Fleming @LukeFleming10 Chocolate digestives are the unsung hero of the biscuit world, no in it for the fame, just keeps its heed down and does the job 08:25 PM - 14 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 16 Deirdre @figgled Before u leave the house, think of the acronym 'WOWEE' Wallet phOne Wkeys Egg Egg (backup) 01:59 AM - 14 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 17 Spooky Dogfriend @GrrlGhost TFW u fave shady tweets from a twitter argument you're not involved in at all 10:38 AM - 09 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 18 Mike Recine @mikerecine I told my girlfriend I wrote her a poem but it was just the theme song to King of Queens. 05:25 PM - 29 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 19 Frank Whitehouse @WheelTod [Funeral] Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?" Widow: "Please do" Me *clears throat: "Plethora!" Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot." 02:01 PM - 03 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 20 Kevin Twohy @kevintwohy Two Ex-Googlers Want To Replace Your Local Ice Cream Parlor With A Shrieking Void That Uses Your Fears As Training Data 11:36 PM - 13 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 21 Twitter: @GucciClout 22 goth turtle @dubstep4dads things have been kinda weird since i moved in with a twitter porn bot 09:36 PM - 26 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 23 Big Uzi Vert @BlvckGrip if my dick small, that's our business. don't bring it up while we play monopoly with my mom, its not my fault you can't manage your money 08:00 PM - 09 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 24 Karrrrrrrrrloskarrrr @techoglot "Orion's Belt is a big waist of space." Terrible joke. Only three stars. 09:58 PM - 17 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 25 im @booboothefooI R.I.P my moms vagina 06:48 PM - 13 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 26 Twitter: @bea_ker 27 a pumpkin spicy boi @syrianbryn Me setting my alarm for every 5 minutes in the morning 03:25 AM - 11 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 28 Twitter: @SpoonsTom 29 Becs @becca_green_ Imagine trying some boots on in topshop and turn round to see a lady walking up and down in YOUR sandles..FUMING 01:44 PM - 16 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 30 Dick Derpin @centrismsucks I have several questions. 03:37 AM - 11 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 31 Twitter: @KopiteLuke1892 32 mir @skarsgart stephen king when he found out millennials wanna fuck a killer clown he created initially for people to fear: 04:18 PM - 16 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 33 future Bachelorette­ @squierzz she wears HIGH HEELS i breed BEAVERS she's cheer captain and i've got all these BEAVERS 01:50 AM - 26 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite Share This ArticleFacebook PinterestTwitterMailLink BuzzFeed DailyKeep up with the latest daily buzz with the BuzzFeed Daily newsletter!This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.