19 Weirdly Funny Tweets That Will Probably Make You Piss YourselfSkip To ContentHomepageSign InSearch BuzzFeedSearch BuzzFeedlol Badge Feedwin Badge Feedtrending Badge FeedCalifornia residents can opt out of "sales" of personal data.Do Not Sell My Personal Information 2022 BuzzFeed, Inc PressRSSPrivacyConsent PreferencesUser TermsAd ChoicesHelpContactSitemapPosted on 4 Sept 2017 19 Weirdly Funny Tweets That Will Probably Make You Piss Yourself "me: [leans in for kiss] robber: quickly but then money" by Remee PatelBuzzFeed StaffFacebookPinterestTwitterMailLink 1 Frank Whitehouse @WheelTod [Funeral] Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?" Widow: "Please do" Me *clears throat: "Plethora!" Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot." 02:01 PM - 03 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 2 Todd 'Papi' Carlos @TheToddWilliams [spelling bee] "Your word is stupid" ME: Well give me a different one then "No, that's your word…stupid" ME: Maybe you're the stupid one 10:41 PM - 01 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 3 Line Art Lionheart @notalogin Wife: You're shirtless? *nods* W: And covered in...oil? -Well, you know how you always say I never glisten? W: Listen. You never listen. -Oh 10:32 PM - 02 Sep 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 4 Ygrene @Ygrene [my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don't tell him, he's never known the truth [me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL 01:39 AM - 02 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 5 andrew chamings @AndrewChamings [shark tank] me: ridiculously wide sunglasses shark 1: i'm out shark 2: i'm out hammerhead shark: i'm listening 04:34 PM - 01 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 6 duumb @duumb me: [leans in for kiss] robber: quickly but then money 03:39 PM - 30 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 7 The Dogfather @matt___nelson BODY: i'm exhausted BRAIN: neat BODY: let's sleep BRAIN: nah BODY: c'mon BRAIN: a dog named Ralph BODY: BRAIN: can almost say his own name 03:05 AM - 31 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 8 Michael, still here @Home_Halfway BARISTA: I have a latte ready for "Give me all your money?" ROBBER: Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing, I see there's been some confusion 06:18 PM - 22 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 9 y.a.b.k.a.t @ohen39 wife: I am having an affair me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well 12:27 PM - 20 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 10 Mark Magark @markedly You're darn right I abuse drugs. I see a drug, I punch the crap out of it. Get lost, drugs. 06:31 PM - 03 May 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 11 David Hughes @david8hughes [wife drops me at the airport] Wife: have a safe flight Me: I have no say in the matter Wife [already driving off]: die then 03:32 AM - 06 Sep 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 12 i'm a good boy! @iamburtjarvis [moving her panties to the side] HEY MAA, I'M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER. 03:20 PM - 02 Aug 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 13 Raspberry Jam @Jenny4ashley [leaving store without bag] Cashier: Forgetting something? "Oh wow, how embarrassing" *walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips* 05:28 PM - 20 Aug 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 14 kel @baddiekel imagine having sex and he says "say my name baby" but his name is gilbert 04:11 AM - 01 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 15 Big Uzi Vert @BlvckGrip "Look at me, im de captain now" 06:31 PM - 02 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 16 Mowgli @Holy_Mowgli ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB 05:34 PM - 28 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 17 Llama In A Tux @LlamaInaTux *Goldfish 911* Goldfish: What's your emergency? Goldfish: I don't remember Goldfish: Don't remember what? Goldfish: What? Goldfish: What? 09:36 PM - 23 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 18 Jon @ArfMeasures [Creating humans] GOD: Make them strong ANGEL: Ok G: smart A: got it G: powerful A: yes G: but terrified of tiny wasps A: love it lol G: lol 04:42 PM - 10 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 19 Hippo @InternetHippo [upbeat commercial] Mom: My kids used to give me *quite* the headache! [sets down groceries] Mom: That's why I gave them away 07:33 PM - 02 Aug 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite Share This ArticleFacebook PinterestTwitterMailLink BuzzFeed DailyKeep up with the latest daily buzz with the BuzzFeed Daily newsletter!This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.