16 Entirely Bollocks Pieces Of Advice About The Edinburgh FestivalSkip To ContentHomepageSign InSearch BuzzFeedSearch BuzzFeedlol Badge Feedwin Badge Feedtrending Badge FeedCalifornia residents can opt out of "sales" of personal data.Do Not Sell My Personal Information 2022 BuzzFeed, Inc PressRSSPrivacyConsent PreferencesUser TermsAd ChoicesHelpContactSitemapPosted on 3 Aug 2017 16 Entirely Bollocks Pieces Of Advice About The Edinburgh Festival Do: Disguise yourself as a castle. Don't: Push tourists under a bus. by Hilary MitchellBuzzFeed StaffFacebookPinterestTwitterMailLink 1 DO Run to the shops on day one and stockpile essential items like petrol water canned goods and houmous Str / AFP / Getty Images / BuzzFeed All of these things will run out almost immediately, especially the houmous. DON T Hoard all the provisions then make tourists fight for them in Mad Max style thunderdomes Warner Bros. / BuzzFeed This is unfair. Although it would make a good Fringe show. 2 DO Disguise yourself as a tourist attraction and then charge visitors money to look at you Ridofranz / commons.wikimedia.org / Creative Commons This hack has been working for Londoners for centuries. Big Ben is actually a tall guy from Enfield called Bigjamin Benjamin. DON T Get carried away and run around heckling bigger more successful attractions Ridofranz / commons.wikimedia.org / Creative Commons / tripadvisor.co.uk This will damage your reputation and affect your Tripadvisor ratings. 3 DO Exchange your normal clothes for a zorb ball commons.wikimedia.org / Creative Commons Travelling will become a breeze once you can bounce aside all the street performers and herds of students publicising their am-dram show about Brexit. DON T Attempt to leave the city it isn t safe AMC / BuzzFeed At this time of year the city's perimeter is ringed by feral ex-reality show contestants trying to get in. If you leave, they'll eat you, or (worse) force you to buy their album. 4 DO Change your Facebook status to dead so acquaintances don t try to crash on your sofa Jpwallet / Getty Images / BuzzFeed Being legally dead also has all kinds of advantages. You pay less tax, for a start. DON T Rent out your house to your favourite comedian Comedy Central / BuzzFeed Remember uni? They'll just use up your shampoo, nick your food, and leave poo in the toilet. You won't be able to watch them on 8 Out Of 10 Cats ever again. 5 DO Give tourists directions to the castle But not Edinburgh Castle Viktorcap / Getty Images Send them all to Stirling Castle instead. Ha, fuck you, Stirling. DON T Get angry with them for not knowing where it is Princigalli / Getty Images / BuzzFeed Making tourists cry is not good for the economy. 6 DO Circle all of the most popular shows in the Fringe guide and make a careful note of their times Twitter: @GilesDeaconMD / BuzzFeed This will help you know which areas in the city to avoid, and when. DON T Be tempted to actually go and see anything Twitter: @AltComMemSoc / BuzzFeed Remember that time Brian from accounts recommended a show and you went to see it? It wasn't good, was it? You won't make that mistake again. Fuck you, Brian. 7 DO Get out your OUT OF THE WAY I FUCKING LIVE HERE badge and push to the front of bus queues Getty Images / BuzzFeed Haven't been issued with your badge yet? That's because they don't exist. Make one for yourself out of an old paper plate, a safety pin, and blood-red ink. DON T Push tourists under a bus Matt Cardy / Getty Images / BuzzFeed This is illegal. 8 DO Dress in a wanky costume everywhere you go so flyerers think you re one of them and avoid you Flickr: mrflip / Creative Commons It helps if you also carry some leaflets with you at all times. In fact, just sign up to become a "promotional marketing distributor". At least then you'll get paid for it. DON T Turn into one of those grumpy sods who just spend all of August complaining about the festival Flickr: asturdesign / Creative Commons / BuzzFeed It’s actually pretty cool when you think about it. So strap on your zorb ball, lie to some tourists, and go and see a terrible Free Fringe show about avocados. Share This ArticleFacebook PinterestTwitterMailLink BuzzFeed DailyKeep up with the latest daily buzz with the BuzzFeed Daily newsletter!This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.