Rosie Green I have a love rival – his phone - YOU Magazine Fashion Beauty Celebrity Health Life Relationships Horoscopes Food Interiors Travel Sign in Welcome!Log into your account Forgot your password? Password recovery Recover your password Search Sign in Welcome! Log into your account Forgot your password? Get help Password recovery Recover your password A password will be e-mailed to you. YOU Magazine Fashion Beauty Celebrity Health Life Relationships Horoscopes Food Interiors Travel Home Life Relationships Rosie Green I have a love rival – his phone By Rosie Green - September 25, 2022 Views on musicals? Personal hygiene standards? Accepting a Bounty Bar instead of a Snickers when sharing a Celebrations box? When I was dating, these were the pressing questions I asked upon a first meet-up. Enquiring about screen time? Not so much. Well, maybe I should have shown more interest because according to couples therapist Joanna Harrison – who has written a book called Five Arguments all Couples (Need to) Have – phone use is up there with the most contentious issues your union faces. According to her, alongside things like your approach to sex, money, domestic chores and in-laws, there’s a substantial amount of research showing that your scrolling time correlates to how satisfied you are in your relationship. I get it. If you’re telling your partner about the minutiae of your day and they’re glued to their screen it feels like a mini rejection. Those micro resentments build up over time, because giving and getting attention is crucial to a relationship. And, the experts warn, if you are missing it, you might start to look somewhere else. Anyone with above-basic levels of emotional intelligence knows that being present with a partner is imperative. But the pull of the screen is so strong. I have to admit that a 3in x 5in piece of metal rules my world. It’s work, it’s social life, it’s shopping, it’s practicalities such as alarms, maps, diary. It is everything. If I accidentally leave my phone at home I have separation anxiety. I feel all twitchy and unnerved, like I’ve forgotten to wear knickers or lock my front door, and I can’t rest until we are reconnected. It’s hard to remember a time when my mental stability wasn’t dependent on being in reassuringly close proximity to my device. I can see how phones can cause issues. I’m rational enough to accept that my boyfriend and I are equal in our usage (equally bad, that is), but that’s not to say there aren’t times when I’m internally screaming ‘put that down and look at meeeeeee!’ – and I know he sometimes feels the same. So I thought about the ways our phones cement ‒ and challenge ‒ relationships and these are my rules for a smooth connection… Boost your charger etiquette Your attitude to charging can symbolise love and care: ‘I’ve put yours on charge and given you the fast charger.’ Which is the 2022 equivalent of killing a mammoth for dinner. On the flipside, avoid the passive-aggressive conversation (who’s responsible for the one that’s gone awol?). Are you insta compatible A real relationship tester. If you are into the app, as I am, then your partner is inevitably roped into taking photos. And not a simple snap. My boyfriend often has to assume contorted positions to ensure I don’t look like an orc. And in restaurants or hotels he can’t eat the food or lie on the bed until I have the money shot. Avoid losing it If my phone goes missing panic rises and I can’t maintain any level of composure. I’ll frantically shout, ‘Can you ring it?’ then hold my handbag to my ear before throwing everything out of it. Not attractive. Plan a pillow talk Where you stand on bringing phones into the bedroom can be a relationship friction point. Is it an all-out ban or a mutual switch to airplane mode? Or maybe they prefer theirs to ping through the night? My boyfriend likes to listen to sporting podcasts at 3am. I have earplugs for this eventuality. Sync your link-ups I love that phones connect us when we are apart, but audio only, please, rather than an impromptu FaceTime. I don’t want to be seen in a bad light (literally). Who does? I’ve reached the conclusion that when it comes to phones, it’s about resisting the short-term hit of dopamine your device provides for the long-term gain of being present in your relationship. You might be in close proximity to someone physically, but if you’re glued to your screen, you’re disconnected from them mentally. So, from now on, I’m going to look my boyfriend in the eye and fully listen to his chat. And then I’ll put his phone on fast charge. @lifesrosie Read more of Rosie Green’s columns here RELATED ARTICLESMORE FROM AUTHOR Rosie Green Will this be the winter of our discontent Rosie Green Want to find true love Follow your nose What are beige flags The new TikTok dating trend explained DON' T MISS Fiona Bruce Sometimes I struggle not to cry November 14, 2021 17 beautiful 2021 diaries to help you to look forward to December 4, 2020 Why women leave men for women What’ s fuelling the rise of April 28, 2019 Hollywood veteran Laura Linney on plastic surgery friendship and her stellar July 3, 2017 You can shop the khaki jumpsuit from Holly Willoughby’ s new M& S July 17, 2019 The secrets and lies behind this happy family photo April 11, 2021 It’ s cocktail hour Olly Smith’ s cocktail recipes and Eleanor Maidment s canapé November 14, 2021 BBC One has revealed its Christmas TV schedule and there’ s lots December 2, 2020 YOU Beauty Box August Reviews August 1, 2017 Rome has been named the cheapest major city to visit in August 7, 2019 Popular CategoriesFood2704Life2496Fashion2240Beauty1738Celebrity1261Interiors684 Sign up for YOUMail Thanks for subscribing Please check your email to confirm (If you don't see the email, check the spam box) Fashion Beauty Celebrity Life Food Privacy & Cookies T&C Copyright 2022 - YOU Magazine. 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