Rosie Green Is it ever acceptable to have an affair Discuss. Fashion Beauty Celebrity Health Life Relationships Horoscopes Food Interiors Travel Sign in Welcome!Log into your account Forgot your password? Password recovery Recover your password Search Sign in Welcome! Log into your account Forgot your password? Get help Password recovery Recover your password A password will be e-mailed to you. YOU Magazine Fashion Beauty Celebrity Health Life Relationships Horoscopes Food Interiors Travel Home Life Relationships Rosie Green Is it ever acceptable to have an affair Discuss By Rosie Green - September 4, 2022 ‘I don’t think you should demonise people who have affairs.’ This was a message I got via Instagram last week. It was from a woman who explained she had been in a loveless and unhappy marriage. She said that when another man showed her the affection and kindness that had been so lacking in her life, she grabbed it. Her justification was that everyone deserves to be in a happy relationship. She said she doesn’t regret her affair because it meant she extricated herself from a toxic partnership. She follows me on social media, where, after writing about my own break up, I have amassed a legion of (mainly) women healing their broken hearts. She was doing so too, because she had split up with the new man but felt she couldn’t be a fully paid-up member of my gang because she had done the dirty. Image: David Venni Affairs used to be straight-up bad. Breaking one of the ten commandments. Morally repugnant. But they are becoming more socially acceptable. Counter arguments are gaining credence. Mitigating reasons are considered, while TV and movies glamorise them. Marriage counsellors, from my experience and from that of my friends and followers, tend to talk about affairs being symptoms not causes. Famous therapists and relationship gurus such as Esther Perel often discuss them dispassionately, putting forward arguments as to why they are understandable. They say that nobody has an affair if they are happy and they often occur if someone’s needs aren’t being met. When it’s your heart that has been ripped out and stamped on, it’s much harder to be logical but I do understand their point. And, in general, I like the fact that as a society we are more empathetic towards people who do ‘bad’ things. We understand that hurt people hurt people. That the thief was desperate. That the tax dodger really needed that extra yacht. OK, maybe not that one. But how much can we really condone adultery – can it ever be OK? I put this question to my social media followers, the majority of whom have been cheated on, and their responses came in thick and fast. A few understood the woman’s point of view. Some said they had done the same because they ‘felt trapped’ or because their partner ‘had repeatedly stonewalled marriage counselling’ or ‘refused to accept it was over’. But most people told heartbreaking stories of the pain and trauma caused by someone you love cheating on you. Of how their partner had tried to legitimise their affair by saying they were a terrible spouse. One told me that when a professional counsellor appeared to do this too, it was positively crazy-making. Imagine it: you are in that grey room, your world upside down, and it feels as though you are being told the whole sorry affair is your fault. Of course, counsellors just want to help you find a path through. Which means both parties understanding they need to change. But saying ‘it takes two’ can increase the betrayed person’s pain. Some of the reasons my followers were given by their cheating partners would be funny if they weren’t so awful: ‘You were too devoted to the children’, ‘You didn’t earn enough’, ‘This sort of thing happens all the time’. It’s even more blindsiding if you haven’t heard your partner’s ‘complaints’ about you before. The truth is, there is no explaining away the pain of being cheated on. Experts can intellectualise it but when it happens to you, it’s truly excruciating. It slays your sense of self, cuts your confidence off at the knees, breaks you into a million pieces. An affair may be understandable but, to me, it is never acceptable. One woman messaged me yesterday. She told me how her husband had an affair, then she did the same to him ten years later. She said: ‘I didn’t offer him excuses because there were none and there never will be.’ Amen. @lifesrosie Read more of Rosie Green’s columns here RELATED ARTICLESMORE FROM AUTHOR Rosie Green Will this be the winter of our discontent Rosie Green Want to find true love Follow your nose Rosie Green I have a love rival – his phone DON' T MISS Fiona Bruce Sometimes I struggle not to cry November 14, 2021 17 beautiful 2021 diaries to help you to look forward to December 4, 2020 Why women leave men for women What’ s fuelling the rise of April 28, 2019 Hollywood veteran Laura Linney on plastic surgery friendship and her stellar July 3, 2017 You can shop the khaki jumpsuit from Holly Willoughby’ s new M& S July 17, 2019 The secrets and lies behind this happy family photo April 11, 2021 It’ s cocktail hour Olly Smith’ s cocktail recipes and Eleanor Maidment s canapé November 14, 2021 BBC One has revealed its Christmas TV schedule and there’ s lots December 2, 2020 YOU Beauty Box August Reviews August 1, 2017 Rome has been named the cheapest major city to visit in August 7, 2019 Popular CategoriesFood2704Life2496Fashion2240Beauty1738Celebrity1261Interiors684 Sign up for YOUMail Thanks for subscribing Please check your email to confirm (If you don't see the email, check the spam box) Fashion Beauty Celebrity Life Food Privacy & Cookies T&C Copyright 2022 - YOU Magazine. 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