Liz Jones: 'In which I embarrass myself' - YOU Magazine Fashion Beauty Celebrity Health Life Relationships Horoscopes Food Interiors Travel Sign in Welcome!Log into your account Forgot your password? Password recovery Recover your password Search Sign in Welcome! Log into your account Forgot your password? Get help Password recovery Recover your password A password will be e-mailed to you. YOU Magazine Fashion Beauty Celebrity Health Life Relationships Horoscopes Food Interiors Travel Home Life Liz Jones Liz Jones ‘ In which I embarrass myself’ By Liz Jones - July 31, 2022 Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. You remember that scene in the first Sex and the City film? The girls are on Carrie’s honeymoon in Mexico, and Charlotte, by mistake, ingests water in the shower. Do you remember what happened? Do you? This was me on Sunday afternoon. I arranged to meet the Rock Star for lunch at a country house hotel. He had finished some gigs and had a couple of days off. I booked a table. I had a bath, washed my hair, put on foundation and a Vivienne Westwood Pirates Tshirt I found on Ebay; the original I’d bought in 1981 ended up as a duster, something I regret to this day. He had once been a punk. I thought he’d appreciate the reference, but he didn’t mention what I was wearing. Tom Peake at Meiklejohn He was already at the table when I got there. The place was packed. A wedding. ‘Idiots,’ he said. He ordered champagne. I had only taken 50 per cent of the collies as it was 30 degrees. They sat under the table in the shade. I poured a bottle of mineral water into a bowl. ‘That’s expensive,’ he said. Beautiful young women kept wafting past, taking selfies. ‘Shall we do one?’ I said. ‘I can take a picture of you,’ he said. ‘You look lovely. Young.’ I always think it strange when someone says I look young. But I suppose all those times I sat on Frinton beach as a child, shielded from a hurricane by a windbreak, wearing sun block and a product called Parasol which was supposed to stop your hair from ageing (didn’t prevent it turning grey, though), was worth it. We ordered. I was starving, as I never eat before I meet a man. To me, a date is like swimming. A full tummy means you will get cramp and drown. Dear reader. I drowned. I gorged on my chips and salad. I felt a strange gurgling. Oh no. It’s happening! A scene from another romcom sprang to mind: Melissa McCarthy sitting in a sink. ‘Look away! Look away!’ Please remember this was the very same venue where Gracie did a runny poo in the bar, and I cleared it up with a linen napkin. It took years before a new manager took over and I was allowed back. And now this. This! It is always useful to have dogs with you, as you can blame everything on them. It was OK, until he said, ‘So, am I coming back to yours?’ My brain computed the logistics. ‘Um.’ ‘You lead the way,’ I said. I was reminded of my estranged sister, who always got the giggles. One day we got off the school bus and she couldn’t help herself. From that moment on, her nickname was The Fountain. I miss her, our history, every single day. I sidled up to the lectern to pay. I tried to stand by the lavender. Gracie was looking inquisitive. This is why I’m so tolerant that she is incontinent and has to sleep on nappy pads. ‘It comes to us all, Gracie,’ I whispered in her pointy ear. I don’t understand why this happens when you are trying to impress a man. He’s not one to laugh it off. He still goes on about the time I sat on his loo and dyed it with my self-tan. He got in his car and I said I would follow after I’d walked the dogs in the forest and did he have a disguise? ‘What?’ ‘I don’t want people gossiping. My neighbour is nosy. The other day she said, “I heard you pop a cork in your garden.” It’s not like London, where no one cares if you spend every night dressed as Margaret Dumont in A Night at the Opera.’ He gave me a blank stare. Who doesn’t love the Marx Brothers? ‘It’s OK, I’ll go,’ he said and I wiped my brow. Back home, I stood in the shower, put the washing machine on. I am, officially, Charlotte on Carrie’s honeymoon. I have turned into Gracie. But as Carrie said wisely, ‘You sh*t your pants this year. Maybe you’re done.’ Jones Moans… What Liz Loathes This Week Anyone who is cryptic. Just tell me! You ask an employee when they’ll be at work and they say, ‘I am leaving shortly.’ Who do they think they are, Liz Truss? Cyclists. Penny-pinching, smug b******s. People who do a weekly food shop. Read more from Liz Jones here RELATED ARTICLESMORE FROM AUTHOR Liz Jones In which I m turfed out on to the street Liz Jones In which I m torn between two men Liz Jones In which I have a birthday date DON' T MISS Fiona Bruce Sometimes I struggle not to cry November 14, 2021 17 beautiful 2021 diaries to help you to look forward to December 4, 2020 Why women leave men for women What’ s fuelling the rise of April 28, 2019 Hollywood veteran Laura Linney on plastic surgery friendship and her stellar July 3, 2017 You can shop the khaki jumpsuit from Holly Willoughby’ s new M& S July 17, 2019 The secrets and lies behind this happy family photo April 11, 2021 It’ s cocktail hour Olly Smith’ s cocktail recipes and Eleanor Maidment s canapé November 14, 2021 BBC One has revealed its Christmas TV schedule and there’ s lots December 2, 2020 YOU Beauty Box August Reviews August 1, 2017 Rome has been named the cheapest major city to visit in August 7, 2019 Popular CategoriesFood2704Life2496Fashion2240Beauty1738Celebrity1261Interiors684 Sign up for YOUMail Thanks for subscribing Please check your email to confirm (If you don't see the email, check the spam box) Fashion Beauty Celebrity Life Food Privacy & Cookies T&C Copyright 2022 - YOU Magazine. All Rights Reserved