22 Brutally Honest Confessions From A Massage TherapistSkip To ContentHomepageSign InSearch BuzzFeedSearch BuzzFeedlol Badge Feedwin Badge Feedtrending Badge FeedCalifornia residents can opt out of "sales" of personal data.Do Not Sell My Personal Information 2022 BuzzFeed, Inc PressRSSPrivacyConsent PreferencesUser TermsAd ChoicesHelpContactSitemapPosted on 28 Jul 2017 22 Brutally Honest Confessions From A Massage Therapist Please stop asking for hand jobs, guys. It's not going to happen. by Hilary MitchellBuzzFeed StaffFacebookPinterestTwitterMailLink 1 Never ever call us a masseuse or masseur View this photo on Instagram instagram.com These French words were hijacked in the 1950s and quickly became a euphemism for sex work. To cut a long story short, we find the term a bit outdated. It's a bit like calling a flight attendant a stewardess. 2 We absolutely don t do sex stuff so stop asking imgur.com So-called "massage" parlours only tend to massage dicks, which gives real massage therapists a bad name. It also means we're always having to deal with guys who expect a hand job during a session. If they ask for a "happy ending", we show them the door. 3 But patients sometimes get a bit handsy anyway Tap to play GIF Tap to play GIF Warner Bros. / Giphy No matter how clear we are with clients, some still decide to try their luck. Being grabbed, masturbated in front of, or propositioned is something that happens far too often, but we can (and do) blacklist and share details of "bad" clients. 4 We don t care if you haven t shaved imgur.com Women often apologise if they have hairy pits or legs, but it doesn't bother us. We see so many bodies that we tend to be more "natural-minded", meaning we view hair, cellulite, scars, bumps, moles, and birthmarks as normal and unremarkable. 5 Please don t feel self-conscious about your weight acidicice @acidicice Starting to think about my massage, always feel self conscious about someone having to rub my fat. Gross. 03:56 PM - 30 Jul 2009 Reply Retweet Favorite Every person to us is really a collection of muscles and knots we need to work on. We’re not judging you, we just want to help make your body feel at its best. 6 We re not too bothered by zits either imgur.com A lot of people cancel appointments if they have "bacne". But that's not really necessary. If your entire back is sore it won't be very comfortable for you, but if it's a normal breakout we can make up a soothing massage oil using tea tree or lavender. 7 People assume it s a very easy job but it isn t View this photo on Instagram instagram.com It's incredibly physically demanding, especially if we work in a spa or somewhere else with back-to-back clients all day. Could you spend 10 consecutive hours on your feet while simultaneously doing a heavy-duty arm workout? No. So shush. 8 In fact we wish we could massage ourselves Tap to play GIF Tap to play GIF MLB / Giphy Our backs, wrists, and shoulders take so much strain that a lot of us end up having to go to sports injury clinics, and some of us develop arthritis. Plenty of us have dislocated our own thumbs or shoulder at some point, which is crazy. 9 It can be emotionally draining as well Tap to play GIF Tap to play GIF Warner Bros. / Giphy Some people talk a lot during a massage, and often tell us everything about their lives. And it's not like we can stop listening. We always sympathise and give advice, but we often can't solve our clients' problems, which can be hard. 10 A lot of clients aren t exactly fresh-smelling Tap to play GIF Tap to play GIF Warner Bros. / Giphy We know you might feel sore after a run, but please at least shower before coming to get a massage. Or just run a wet wipe over your most sweaty parts, at least. We don't really want to touch someone who's covered in grease or grime. 11 People fart all the time Twitter: @AKARicoSmooth It usually just means they're relaxed. One or two little poots is fine, but it's not cool to thunderously fart for the entire session. Therapy rooms are pretty small, and not always well ventilated. 12 People moan and grunt And yes it s awkward Tap to play GIF Tap to play GIF CBS / Giphy Guys, we know we're awesome and do good work, but it's not cool to make really loud sex noises while we're doing our job. We don't come to your place of work and pretend to have an orgasm while you're doing your expenses, do we? 13 Then there are ones who forget their wallet Tap to play GIF Tap to play GIF AMC / Giphy Also, guys sometimes get mad and refuse to pay if we don't give them a "happy ending", claiming that's what they thought they were paying for. Sorry, guys, we can (and will) call the police if you won't pay. And tell them you were soliciting too. 14 We have to make sure our nails are super short View this photo on Instagram instagram.com Scratching a client is a serious no-no. We're always chewing mints to make sure our breath doesn't smell, too, and reapplying deodorant. If we smell even slightly, people complain, so we have to be squeaky clean and well-groomed at all times. 15 A little cut on our hand can ruin our whole week View this photo on Instagram Instagram: @brandon291987 We use our hands constantly, so a cut or a scratch is constantly being stretched and irritated. Plus the oils we use make the cut sting like hell. It's no fun at all. 16 It s not exactly a stable or reliable job Tap to play GIF Tap to play GIF CBS / Giphy Massage therapists don't tend to make a lot of money, even more so since the 2008 financial crisis, with wages on the decline. People tend to "treat" themselves to a massage, and it's usually the first treat they cut out to save cash. 17 Please just tell us if you don t like something imgur.com So many patients just will not speak up when they need something, or if something is painful to them. Then we ask them at the end if they enjoyed it and they say "no". We're not psychic – you need to give us feedback. 18 Our friends are always mooching for free massages Tap to play GIF Tap to play GIF Warner Bros. / Giphy They rarely come out and ask directly; instead they tend to say things like "Oh, my neck is so stiff today" and give us a hopeful look. Guys, would you want to work on your day off? No, neither do we, so maybe just find a spa to go to. 19 And we spend way too much time doing laundry View this photo on Instagram instagram.com This is not why we went through three (or more) years of intensive training. But we do need to make sure our sheets and towels are fresh for each new client. 20 We sometimes uncover serious health complaints View this photo on Instagram instagram.com People often come to us saying their doctor has dismissed their pain and told them to "learn to relax", but occasionally we feel something troubling. Back pain can sometimes signal more serious issues, like lung problems, or even cancer. We always insist people go back to their doctor if we have any concerns. 21 People who don t relax or sit still drive us crazy Tap to play GIF Tap to play GIF ABC / Giphy You honestly don't need to "help" us by moving around, lifting your arms or legs, or shifting on the table. It just distracts us and means you're not relaxing. Stop it. 22 But at the end of the day we love what we do Twitter: @akneadedrelief We love our jobs, and we love knowing that we're helping people to relax, work through their issues, improve their general quality of life, and reduce their pain. We'd really appreciate it if you could stop getting your dicks out, though. Thanks. This post was compiled with the help of a licensed massage therapist in Scotland with 12 years' experience, and who currently runs their own business. 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