Take a knight for a hop in Hoppenhelm Eurogamer.net If you click on a link and make a purchase we may receive a small commission. Read our editorial policy. Take a knight for a hop in Hoppenhelm Prance a lot. Feature by Robert Purchese Senior Staff Writer Updated on 9 Jul 2019 7 comments I don't believe the fable about the tortoise and the hare. Every time I read it I'm like, "Nope, wouldn't happen - the hare would smash it." It's a tortoise! I had a tortoise growing up and it was really slow. I had rabbits too - not hares, admittedly, who has hares? - and they can shift if they want to. Actually we had this really brilliant rescue rabbit called Kevin - good name isn't it? - who used to pick fights with the neighbourhood cats. It's how he met his end, Kevin - he had a running feud with the street's hardest cat. The tortoise never did anything like that, just dragged himself around eating cucumber. Really slowly. Maybe that's why I can't take it easy in video games. I can't go slowly because I don't want to, it's boring. And I feel like those cheeky game developers bloody know it, and play on it. They know that if they give me the keys to a game's speed, I'll trip myself up far more than they ever could. Come on, beat me if you can! Hoppenhelm does this - it's what got me thinking about it. Hoppenhelm is a mobile game by Swedish team Bun Gun. It's a 'one life, see how far you can get' game with high scores. All you do is hop a knight sideways one space at a time, and your hops are your score. It's up to you when you move and there's no time pressure beyond lava slowly rising (and lowering each hop forward you make). Enemies generally wait where they are, and traps and crumbly platforms you can see in advance. In other words, when you lose a heart of health, it's down to your unforced error. Slow and steady wins the race, then. I can almost see the developers mouthing it. But they're mouthing it while grinning. Maybe it's the game's music. Maybe it's the coercing plod of the Hoppenhelm beat urging me forward, playing on my desire to tap along in time. Maybe it's the lure of constant motion. Or maybe it's because I look at the health hearts, and bats and snakes, and weapons and chests, and think 'Oh I know this' and decide I really ought to be running, not walking, because I've played this kind of game a hundred times before thank you very much. Whatever it is, I cannot stay slow and steady for long. Each run, I speed up and take a chance I shouldn't, and I die, and a piece of patience floats away. And now I'm also contending with a desire to rush back to where I died in order to push further this time. I spiral, in other words. My patience runs out, my concentration goes, and I throw my phone in the sea. The more I think about it, the more I believe your first few goes are the ones you'll score highly on - before the mind games kick in. Give it a go - Hoppenhelm is free. Try to beat my 514 high score. Have you got the patience for it? Tortoise, or hare? Become a Eurogamer subscriber and get your first month for £1 Get your first month for £1 (normally £3.99) when you buy a Standard Eurogamer subscription. Enjoy ad-free browsing, merch discounts, our monthly letter from the editor, and show your support with a supporter-exclusive comment flair! Support us View supporter archive More Features Digital Foundry Nvidia GeForce RTX 4090: a new level in graphics performance The Digital Foundry video review - and how the new GPU champion delivers for 4K 120fps gaming. 15 Feature Evercore Heroes wants to wind people up the right way "There's less rage at them, because they didn't end your fun." Feature What games get wrong about horses And what they could do about it. 34 Feature Shout out to all the Overwatch supports - where would we be without you? Merci. 55 Latest Articles Digital Foundry Sennheiser's legendary HD 599 open-back headphones are just £70 at Amazon in the Prime Early Access Sale Comfortable with neutral sound and a wide sound stage. Preview Football Manager's new Console edition is the best you'll get without a PC Getting Touch-right. 1 Splatoon 3 Amiibos will be out next month Ink-coming! 3 Fans think Phil Spencer's shelf is teasing the Xbox Game Pass streaming box UPDATE: Xbox confirms old Keystone prototype. 61 Supporters Only Premium only Off Topic: Take a minute to appreciate Cookin' with Coolio's incredible scallops recipe. What a great book. Premium only Off Topic: Reading City of Glass in comic form "Where exactly am I going?" Premium only Off Topic: Il Buco is a transporting film about a really big hole Underlands. Off-Topic Netflix handled Sandman brilliantly It was Dreamy. 9 Buy things with globes on them And other lovely Eurogamer merch in our official store! Explore our store